Shakira - Back to English classes!

I was trying to get into Xmas mood by listening to some soothing melodies. The place I am in is like Xmas-free zone. One of the few places on Earth that Santa has to look closely at an atlas for a couple of minutes to find its location. Afterwhich, he will call Fedex to deliver his presents instead as it is not worth sending his reindeers down.

There I was, minding my own business when I heard this song which many would have already known the words by heart. It was Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever".

Does anyone else think the lyrics are absolute rubbish? Not to mention that she was positively mumbling so much in the first few stanzas that I thought she was speaking a different dialect - probably Klingon language from Star Trek universe.

Now before anyone throw mud at me, Captain Obvious understand that I am making fun (or going to) of a successful 28 year old which has sold over 30 million copies and was named as UNICEF ambassador. I also admit that her songs have a nice beat and she had managed to combine Latin beat, rock, pop and discography into one pretty palatable spanish tortilla. Bienvenidos!

"SO WHY ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF THE SONG?" Some might ask. Simply because I know rubbish lyrics when I hear it. Take this obvious lyrical disaster for example.

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
So you don't confuse them with mountains.

WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. THAT.

When I heard that, I almost fell out of my chair and hit my head on the keyboard, possibly losing enough blood to pass out and miss the whole holiday season.

There is no meaning to the lyrics. How could any man confuse her breasts with mountains? HOW? Unless her boyfriend is blind or is an obsessive mountain climber which likes to come to the bed with a couple of grappling hooks. Even if her boyfriend is blind, is it even possible to confuse the two things. Unless mountains in Colombia traditionally have nipples.

And the first stanza constitutes a disaster by the standard set by Queen's English:

Lucky that that you're born that far away so, we could both make fun of distance.
Lucky for my love of a foreign land for, the lucky fact of your exsistance.

I know Shakira is trying to rhyme "distance" and "existence" but this is just weak. Not to mention making fun of distance is just . . . silly. What did kilometres and miles ever do to Shakira that she has to make fun of metric units? And what does love for a foreign land got to do with fact of her boyfriend's existence? Wow, I fortunately like Spain so lucky for Fann Wong's existence???? Someone kill me now.

Friend told me that this was an English song and not one of her spanish songs translated into English. If this is true, it is even more unforgivable. At least, if this is a translation, I could blame her translator. Hey Shakira, spend some of those millions, and get someone to proof read your weak-ass lyrics. Sheesh.

And I will change her chorus from:

Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together. I'll be there and you'll be near and thats the deal my dear.

to

However, don't matter, I could only do bread and butter. I can't cook and the steak is raw and that's your meal my dear.

Merry frigging Xmas, Shakira. Stick to Spanish Songs.