The Kingmaker should be called How not to be a Stupid King

Before anyone questions why I keep watching crappy, low-budget movies, let's just say that:

(a) I actually enjoy watching crappy-low budget movies because it is interesting to see what the director could do with a super-limited budget;

(b) I watch any crap involving men in armour fighting with swords or big-breasted bimbos running away from monsters or best; big-breasted bimbos in armour dropping their swords when running away from monsters and getting eaten;

(c) Kingmaker is not a crappy, low-budget movie from Thailand. It costs 250 million baht which is about S$10 million. Thus it is not low-budget. It is of course, still crappy.

It is seldom I watch Thai movies. A few Thai movies are ok, most are bad. Even the Thai people think most of their movies are pretty crappy - the same way we Singaporeans think Singaporean movies are cliched and crappy. Kingmaker seem to be among the worse movies you can find around here.

There is nothing terribly wrong with the Kingmaker. The problem is also that there is also nothing exciting about it either. Within 5 minutes of watching the movie, I decided to turn to ESPN and watch Americans play baseball. And I hate baseball. The movie was that fucking boring. The movie is something about a Portugese mercenary ending up in Thailand after a shipwreck off the Siam coast in 1547. He was captured by Arab slave traders, fought Thai northern rebels, saved the Thai King from Japanese ninjas (I am not shitting you! Japanese ninjas with shurikens some more), romanced a Portugese lady, captured a witch (a laughable bomoh) and uncovered the truth behind the queen's plot to assassinate the king. Some Chinese merchants also made an appearance, hawking some wares in the middle of Siam. There is also a subplot somewhere that the hero fell in love with the daugther of his father's murderer but this was conveniently forgotten after a while. I tell you, this movie has odd-ball foreigners popping up everywhere. The queen even had an tall, African Zulu guard with a nasty spear doing her personal biding. This movie is shit weird! In the one and only decent battle scene in the movie, the Ayutthaya King's army looked like a United Nations Peacekeeping Force comprising of Thai guards, Japanese Samurais and Portugese Riflemen, with a few bored looking elephants. Holy Shit.

I guess this movie tries its best to tell everyone what a prosperous, international seaport Ayutthaya (ancient capital of Siam) was during the 16th century - where Japanese, Chinese and Westerners came and work together (besides trying to cut people's heads off with their swords). Unfortunately, the movie sucks as a whole. Everyone was speaking in English. Yeah, the setting was in the 16th century but every fucker could speak English - from the King to the priest; Japanese Samurai to the Thai maid; crazy Thai bomoh witch to six year-old kids playing on the streets. And they speak bad English. WTF? I thought this movie was based on Siam in the 16th century?

The plot was also unbelievable and far fetched. The queen first plotted to kill the King because he was too busy with work and could not have dinner and sex with her. WTF? Not only did she kill the king, she also stabbed her own son to death. I think most people would agreed that killing your husband and son because you are not getting sex might be a little overboard.

And I have no idea why the movie is called Kingmaker. The King spent most of his time ordering his underlings around, sleeping in his tent and NOT having sex with his wife. No one became King in the end of this terrible movie which by then, I had already fallen into a deep sleep.

A movie that is absolutely must-miss.