The Worst Movie of All Times - Skeleton Man
Hold the press and the champagne. I have finally discovered a movie that is possibly, the worst movie of all time. This is major news considering that I watched plenty of cinematic turkeys in my time. This is one movie which made me wanted to call the police because I felt strangely molested after watching it. In terms of flat-out stupidity and disjointed plot and transition, this movie takes the entire strawberry shit cake.
Welcome to the latest shit offering from Cinemax - "The Skeleton Man". In the US, it is also known as "Cotton Mouth Joe". Yeah, real scary (insert sarcasm here). I watched this "movie", and I used the word loosely as this is not so much a movie than an excruciating piece of celluloid designed to maim and harm all who watches it, last night and my sickness was instantly cured. Yeah, the movie was that potent.
Where do I start in explaining this movie? Well, maybe I would start by explaining the general storyline, or in this case, complete lack of it. Started off with two archaeologists messing around in a forest and then bam! . . . a figure walked out shakily through the fog with a sword. The monster is of course, skeleton man which looked like a guy wearing a really cheap skeletal mask from 7-11 (the kind you buy in dozens for Halloween or company's D&D for S$10) and get this, the monster is wearing a raincoat. Wow, scary. The idiot monster/spirit walked around in his cheap Singapore SAF poncho and tried to skewer the two sad archaeologists. Some bullshit chase started which ended up in some power factory (in the middle of the forests???!) and Skeleton Man basically stabbed every sucker there with his sword. Oh, joy. Maybe Skeleton Man is an environmentalist and works for SPCA. Ladies and Gentleman, I just found the lamest monster in the history of the horror movies universe.
Cut to the present. A group of special forces soldiers is assembled to find this lame monster in the forest (why bother?). They are supposed to disguise themselves as innocent trekkers. When I saw them on screen, I know they have a "small problem" with their disguises as innocent civilian trekkers. Their small problem is . . . . civilian trekkers don't walk around with M-16 and all sorts of sniper assault rifles strapped on their back, stupid. Worst disguise of all time.
Needless to say, our "heroes" are so stupid that they commit the worst mistake in B-Grade horror movies - i.e. THEY SPLIT UP. I mean, what's up with that? You are hunting a monster in the forest and the last thing they should do is to split up. Split up for what? WHY???
Female commando : Sir, I think I should go that way alone to track this monster. Yes, all alone and vulnerable.
Captain : Now, why the hell you want to go that way alone? Don't you know people who are spit up from the main group would be killed by the monster almost immediately?
Female commando : Dunno. Maybe because I am a stupid woman and enjoy being killed first?
So it goes on and on. Dumbass got seperated from the group and of course, got picked off first.
At this point, let me talked a bit about our friend, the Skeleton Man. Since skewering everyone at the power factory like mutton satays, our friend has somehow gotten himself a black horse. Don't ask me where the shit the live horse comes from. Skeleton Man also got himself a spear and a bow. Let me describe how a typical battle is conducted:
(a) Heroes looked around nervously as they hear a stupid horse trottling somewhere in the fog;
(b) Skeleton man and his horse walk out of the fog, waving his sword and spear like a dumbass.
(c) Heroes panicked and shoot wildly at Skeleton man and his horse.
(d) All of them missed and hit the trees instead. Let me repeat, ALL OF THEM MISSED DESPITE BRINGING ENOUGH MACHINE GUNS AND AMMO TO START WWIII. All the poor trees kena-ed from the bullets which somehow caused sparks (???!!) on impact.
(e) Not satisfied with hiting the trees, some heroes jumped in front of the horse for no particular reason. Really, no particular reason at all.
(f) Skeleton man impales the dumbass hero in front of him with a spear. Captain of heroes will yell, "Nooooo!!!!"
I am sure you get the point now.
Other What The Fuck (WTF) moments include the following:
(a) So this merry band of soldiers spent like 80% of the movie walking around in circles in the forest while this dumbass monster also kept riding around with a horse (maybe everyone is lost?), when this helicopter appeared in the sky. Skeleton Man took one look at the helicopter, reached into his pocket and . . . .
SHOT THE HELICOPTER DOWN WITH A WOODEN ARROW FROM HIS BOW!
HOLY SHIT! Rambo will be proud! My intelligence just got insulted. Got more stupid one or not?
(b) Our heroes, while walking around in the forest like dumbasses, stumbled upon a mystical, mumbling Indian. The Indian is obviously there as a shaman to try to warn the heroes against trespassing on holy Indian soil. Do you know what the creepy, Indian shaman wants before he started talking?
Beans.
Yeah, beans as in Heinze beans. He kept mumbling "Beans are good . . . you just hit them up and they are ready to go."
MUWAHAHAHAHAHA. What the Fish is going on? At this point, I suspect even the director and actors have no clude what they are doing.
(c) Group of special forces include an underwater demolition specialist. Why the fuck would you need an underwater demolition specialist when you are in a forest? WHY??!
When I finished watching this movie, I swear I almost crapped blood. Don't watch this movie, EVER.
Welcome to the latest shit offering from Cinemax - "The Skeleton Man". In the US, it is also known as "Cotton Mouth Joe". Yeah, real scary (insert sarcasm here). I watched this "movie", and I used the word loosely as this is not so much a movie than an excruciating piece of celluloid designed to maim and harm all who watches it, last night and my sickness was instantly cured. Yeah, the movie was that potent.
Where do I start in explaining this movie? Well, maybe I would start by explaining the general storyline, or in this case, complete lack of it. Started off with two archaeologists messing around in a forest and then bam! . . . a figure walked out shakily through the fog with a sword. The monster is of course, skeleton man which looked like a guy wearing a really cheap skeletal mask from 7-11 (the kind you buy in dozens for Halloween or company's D&D for S$10) and get this, the monster is wearing a raincoat. Wow, scary. The idiot monster/spirit walked around in his cheap Singapore SAF poncho and tried to skewer the two sad archaeologists. Some bullshit chase started which ended up in some power factory (in the middle of the forests???!) and Skeleton Man basically stabbed every sucker there with his sword. Oh, joy. Maybe Skeleton Man is an environmentalist and works for SPCA. Ladies and Gentleman, I just found the lamest monster in the history of the horror movies universe.
Cut to the present. A group of special forces soldiers is assembled to find this lame monster in the forest (why bother?). They are supposed to disguise themselves as innocent trekkers. When I saw them on screen, I know they have a "small problem" with their disguises as innocent civilian trekkers. Their small problem is . . . . civilian trekkers don't walk around with M-16 and all sorts of sniper assault rifles strapped on their back, stupid. Worst disguise of all time.
Needless to say, our "heroes" are so stupid that they commit the worst mistake in B-Grade horror movies - i.e. THEY SPLIT UP. I mean, what's up with that? You are hunting a monster in the forest and the last thing they should do is to split up. Split up for what? WHY???
Female commando : Sir, I think I should go that way alone to track this monster. Yes, all alone and vulnerable.
Captain : Now, why the hell you want to go that way alone? Don't you know people who are spit up from the main group would be killed by the monster almost immediately?
Female commando : Dunno. Maybe because I am a stupid woman and enjoy being killed first?
So it goes on and on. Dumbass got seperated from the group and of course, got picked off first.
At this point, let me talked a bit about our friend, the Skeleton Man. Since skewering everyone at the power factory like mutton satays, our friend has somehow gotten himself a black horse. Don't ask me where the shit the live horse comes from. Skeleton Man also got himself a spear and a bow. Let me describe how a typical battle is conducted:
(a) Heroes looked around nervously as they hear a stupid horse trottling somewhere in the fog;
(b) Skeleton man and his horse walk out of the fog, waving his sword and spear like a dumbass.
(c) Heroes panicked and shoot wildly at Skeleton man and his horse.
(d) All of them missed and hit the trees instead. Let me repeat, ALL OF THEM MISSED DESPITE BRINGING ENOUGH MACHINE GUNS AND AMMO TO START WWIII. All the poor trees kena-ed from the bullets which somehow caused sparks (???!!) on impact.
(e) Not satisfied with hiting the trees, some heroes jumped in front of the horse for no particular reason. Really, no particular reason at all.
(f) Skeleton man impales the dumbass hero in front of him with a spear. Captain of heroes will yell, "Nooooo!!!!"
I am sure you get the point now.
Other What The Fuck (WTF) moments include the following:
(a) So this merry band of soldiers spent like 80% of the movie walking around in circles in the forest while this dumbass monster also kept riding around with a horse (maybe everyone is lost?), when this helicopter appeared in the sky. Skeleton Man took one look at the helicopter, reached into his pocket and . . . .
SHOT THE HELICOPTER DOWN WITH A WOODEN ARROW FROM HIS BOW!
HOLY SHIT! Rambo will be proud! My intelligence just got insulted. Got more stupid one or not?
(b) Our heroes, while walking around in the forest like dumbasses, stumbled upon a mystical, mumbling Indian. The Indian is obviously there as a shaman to try to warn the heroes against trespassing on holy Indian soil. Do you know what the creepy, Indian shaman wants before he started talking?
Beans.
Yeah, beans as in Heinze beans. He kept mumbling "Beans are good . . . you just hit them up and they are ready to go."
MUWAHAHAHAHAHA. What the Fish is going on? At this point, I suspect even the director and actors have no clude what they are doing.
(c) Group of special forces include an underwater demolition specialist. Why the fuck would you need an underwater demolition specialist when you are in a forest? WHY??!
When I finished watching this movie, I swear I almost crapped blood. Don't watch this movie, EVER.
posted by Captain Obvious at 12:04 AM
2 Comments:
How the hell do you always end up with such lousy movies?
Sigh... we'll catch a movie when you are back mid April. You deserve a proper movie before you head back with more nonsense movie.
By the way, shouldn't skeleton man be in only bones? How did the skeleton man come about?
Aargh. Now I have to recall the details of the movie.
Yeah, Skeleton Man supposed to be all bones. But the director probably decided that an all bones character is not frightening enough. So he had the guy wear a skeletal mask (implying that he is all bones) but draped a poncho over his skeletal frame.
How the skeleton man came about is a mystery to everyone concerned (including the director and writer, I think). Remember the mystical Indian that wants beans (ha ha)? After he got the beans, he mumbled something about a tragedy in some red Indian tribe in the past. Some guys went berserk and killed everyone and therefore cursed to always walked the forests as Skeleton Man (?1)
If you are still lucid after trying to follow the awful storyline, you will see one big hole in the storyline:
If Skeleton Man is supposed to be a Red Indian spirit, why does he look nothing like a Red Indian and walked around with a poncho on a horse using a sword of all things? Last time i checked, red indians don't have murderous long swords as weapons.
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