Curse of Jay Chou

Forget about Chow Yun Fatt and Fatty Gong Li, the star of the movie "Curse of the Golden Flower" is clearly Jay Chou. Come on! The man is awesome in the movie! By awesome, I mean abysmally awful.

I can't even begin to describe Jay Chou's acting in the movie except to say that a dead horse can come up with more expressions than him. Seriously, tell me - how many expressions he showed in the movie?

Activity / Supposed emotional State / Jay Chou's expression

Duelling with Father / Tensed / Blank (huh?)

Seeing brothers for 1st time / Elated / Blank and confused

Learning that mother is dying/ Anguished / Still blank (hmmm?!)

Leading rebellion in palace / Determined / Idiot staring in front

Fighting a hopeless battle / Roaring with defiance / Idiot running into a wall

Committing suicide / Heartbreaking / Go back to blank look

Jay Chou's character is a heroic and fillial prince. This role is fucking easy. I could do it. You could do it. My mother + some make up + golden armour could do it. How should we act? You show some intensity. You act all heroic in the final battle with tears welling up your eyes. You gripped the table in anguish when you are told that your mother is being poisoned. And above all, your eyes dart left and right when enemies are rushing you from everywhere.

Jay Chou approached all this different but easy scenes with all the intensity of a kitten drinking milk. And when things required him to be passionate and defiant (like the hopeless solitary battle), he approached it with the same intensity of a retarded kid banging his head on the pavement. The intensity is there but way out of place, stupid.

Don't believe me? Let's see his dialogue.

Empress Fatty Gong Li : Son, my medicine has been poisoned by your father for the last two years.

Prince Jay Chou : No. Why would father do that? (blank look)

Empress Fatty : I would tell you later. I would end this at the festival.

Prince Jay Chou : Does my brothers know? (blank look)

Empress Fatty : No.

Prince Jay Chou : A son cannot raise his sword against his father. (blank look)

Empress Fatty : I understand. You don't have to do anything. (Grimace as she takes her hourly dose of poision).

Prince Jay Chou : (staring up the ceiling trying to act all pained and anguished). Mother, I have decided. I will help you. (still blank look)

I guarantee you Jay Chou will give the same acting intensity if we change the dialogue to Empress Fatty Gong Li asking Jay Chou to buy food.

Empress Gong Li : Son, I am sick of eating nasi lemak made by your father. Can you buy me chicken rice?

Prince Jay Chou: No. Why would you want that? (Blank look)

Empress Gong Li : I would tell you later. I intend to serve chicken rice with garlic chili sauce tonight.

Prince Jay Chou : Does my brothers know that they are going to have chicken rice? (blank look)

Empress Gong Li: No. Can you buy me chicken rice with roasted chicken leg, less rice but with more cucumbers?

Prince Jay Chou : A son cannot raise his chopsticks against his father even though his nasi lemak is not nice (blank look).

Empress Gong Li : I understand. You don't have to do anything. (Grimace as she eats a spoonful of nasi lemak with ikan bilis).

Prince Jay Chou : (stares at the ceiling trying to act pained and anguished). Mother, I have decided. I will help you. Do you want more rice in your packet? (blank look)

I double guarantee you whether it is leading a rebellion against his father or buying chicken rice with more cucumbers for her mother, Jay Chou will have the same expression.

(Mother, do you want more cucumbers and more rice in your chicken rice?)