Hey, Daniel Wu and Louis Khoo are dumbasses too!

It would seem that Singapore is going through somewhat of a drought in terms of movies. Simply put, they would have to pay me money to watch some of the crap on offer. The Matrimony? I don’t know what it is but any movie with that lame of a title deserved a pass. The Unseeable? Wow, the movie takes the words out of my mouth. What next? The Unseeable II : The Unwatchable? Or The Unseeable III: Totally Un “qua” able?

So it was over to the Protégé with special appearances by Daniel Wu and Louis Khoo at at the special charity screening at Vivocity on 12 Feb 07. Which was a complete bust, pardon the drug pun. At the charity screening premier, I recalled thinking to myself why did Daniel Wu and Louis Khoo look so embarrassed in front of their screaming legions of fans? I mean, if I am rich and handsome like Wu and Khoo, I will be flexing my muscles in front of my screaming girl fans and basically acting like a jackass while thinking who should I bring home to have a good shag with. Instead, these two were giving everyone an embarrassed grin, looking very much like a couple of dumbasses who wandered into Lawrys and only got money for water and free bread.

He only said one word.

The answer hit me halfway through the movie like a ton of cheap drugs injected into a homeless bum. They looked so embarrassed because they knew they just cheated everyone’s money with this show (cos it was so bad) and they can’t wait to get the hell out of Vivocity before someone opened a can of whoop-ass on their manicured asses. Really. Louis Khoo was so ashamed of this movie that when he was asked to say a few words to his fans, he merely said “Bye” and got the fuck out of the theatre faster than a fat man going for the buffet line at Goodwood Park or before you could even say methamphetamine. You got to give it to Louis Khoo. His acting might have sucked in every movie to date but at least he had the smarts not to hang around ground zero of this atomic bomb of a movie. Yang Guo couldn’t have run faster. Andy Lau and Anita Yuen, being old hands in this business, were even smarter. They didn’t even bother stepping foot in Singapore knowing that they would be pestered by 500 emails asking for refunds.

You also got to give it to Daniel Wu. Knowing that his acting in the movie sucks harder than a baby sucking a wooden spoon, Daniel Wu still had the balls to make small talk to us before the movie and wished everyone “good fortune” after watching it. Oh yeah, good fortune. The only good fortune I want after the movie is to have the good fortune to meet Daniel Wu later in a dark alley so that I could beat my S$35 dollars out of his ass as reimbursement for two hours of enduring his wooden spoon acting and a storyline/dialogue that literally went nowhere. “People take drugs because they are lonely. So, is loneliness or drugs the greater threat?” Hey, tell you what – with dialogue like that, my foot up Daniel Wu’s ass would be a greater threat.

And to think that the dynamic duo of Wu and Khoo actually managed to further cheat some girl out of S$388 when they auctioned off an autographed jacket before the screening. The shame.

To call this “movie”, movie, is somewhat of a misnomer. Like some disasters I have watched, the Protégé suffered from a classic case of identity crisis. It couldn’t decide what the F it should be. A cops/robber action movie or a society drama on drugs or a Discovery Channel documentary on drug trade in IndoChina? All in all, I want my money back from Daniel Wu and Louis Khoo. And also from Andy Lau, since I watched more crap gambling movies from Andy Lau than most people on this planet.