Movie that almost killed me - SS Doomtrooper

I was deathly sick for a few days. I suspect that it is because I played 27 holes of golf under the blazing sun on Saturday and then thought that it was a good idea to go jogging in the gym after golf. The sudden change of temperature from the scorching sun to the gym's air-con environment probably shut down my body's immune system for good. I like to think that my body's immune system is pretty tough; afterall it is successful in withstanding Lao food for almost 4 years. But when it comes to simple temperature change, my body suddenly turns into a pussy.


During the last four days, I went through the usual fever, cold and now, viscious cough cycle which I guess everyone is probably familiar with. My friend is kind enough to buy two PS2 games for me to play while I struggle with the virus. Which is awesome of him. He also called me to watch a sci-fi horror movie on TV, knowing that I like to watch such cheap budget movies. Which is EVIL of him since watching the movie almost killed me since it is so awesomely bad.


This sci-fi movie that you can catch on HBO (no less) is called SS Doomtrooper. Now, I don't know why HBO has degenerated itself to the level that it has to show low budget sci-fi movies especially during its 8pm prime time slot. But lo and behold, I switched on HBO and immediately had to digest this incredible shit sandwich know as SS Doomtrooper.








The story line cannot get simpler (or sillier) than this. During WWII, the US and Nazis pursued nuclear technology. The US tried to make a nuclear bomb. The Nazis tried to create a super hulk-like monster who drools, scratches his armpits and grunts around a lot. God knows, why the Nazis even bother. No wonder Hitler committed suicide. Anyway, according to the universally accepted cheap sci-fi movie logic, monster got out of control and an international team of soldiers (led by an American of course) had to find a way to kill the Nazi monster and all the Nazis in their way.

The whole movie is in a mess. All the lead characters are idiots. When you run across a 10 foot blue monster built like a panzer tank, what do you do? Most people like you and me just run for it. These so called heroes, French resistance fighters and Nazis (all idiots by the way, regardless of nationalities) just stood there and fire their puny WWII guns, fire, fire, fire and watch as bullets after bullets ricochet off the monster's armour and kept yelling, "it cannot be killed! Help!" No shit, Sherlock. And they do this like 5 times. You would think that all these genuises get the general idea after the 1st battle that oh, I don't know . . . THAT BULLETS DON'T WORK SO QUIT FIRING AT THAT MONSTER AND JUST RUN?!!

And the monster looks so silly - like some blue monkey in an helmet. It looks like it will dance happily if you offer it a banana. And it walks around, electrocuting people into dust. No style at all. My own nieces can draw scarier monkeys than that. If this story is real, Hitler would have just surrendered immediately if he saw that his scientists created a blue monkey out of state funds.

Nazi scientists : Hail Hitler!

Hitler : So, my obedient scientists of the Third Reich, children of the Aryan Nation. What super soldier have you created for me which would help me win the war against the sinners and the evil alliance of the US and Britain?

Nazi scientists : Oh great leader! I give you the Nazi SS Doomtrooper!

SS Doomtrooper : Oook! Ook!

Hitler : . . . . . . .

SS Doomtrooper : Ook?

Hitler : It is a monkey.

Nazi Scientists : Yes, great leader.

Hitler : It is a blue monkey.

Nazi Scientists : Yes, the blue colour is due to radiation from the nuclear rays. We are hoping that it will be pink.

Hitler : It is a blue monkey that wears a helmet and goes "ook".

SS Doomtrooper : Ook.

Hitler : Someone gets me a banana.

I didn't even stick around to see the ending. Since the whole movie involves bad actors running around shooting bullets at an indestructible blue monkey in helmet who looks quite bemused, I think it is pretty safe to say that this is not an Oscar quality movie. Not to mention that there are no hot girls around for the blue monkey to stomp. At least the three headed dog in Cerebus got to kill some hot Romanian girls. They should call this movie SS Blue Monkey Trooper instead.