Ode to KFC (in Thailand)

Today is a bad day. Bad golf day yesterday which have several "unspeakable" holes. I hit everything that a golfer could possibly hit; trees, sand bunkers and even stray goats that were grazing peacefully until my golf ball whizzed past their ears. Needless to say, hilarity did not ensue. By the way, which dim-wit would plant so many trees in the middle of the golf course anyway? Are we supposed to play golf or play Woody Woodpecker? I felt like a Super Mario Brother trying to save his princess whenever I tried to navigate through the forests during golf play.

Usually when something that embarrassing happens to me, I visit a fast food restaurant. Normally, this mean forking out S$1 (or is it S$1.20) for an apple pie at McDonalds at Clementi Interchange as I munched on my way back. When it is a really bad day, it would be a box of 6 pieces of Chicken McNuggets from KFC. When it is a truly forgettable day, well . . . . let's just say that I usually walked home with a bucket.

However, being in Laos have made me realised one home truth, namely;

KFC in Singapore sucks.

Btw, there is no fast food restaurants in Laos. Before anyone gasped and dropped their coffee latte in shock (which pussy Singaporean pay S$5 for their coffee?), please remember that Laos is still a communist country in name and the people here earn US$20 a month. An LV bag is easily a policeman's two years salary. Do you really think that a Lao person could therefore afford US$2 to buy a cheeseburger with coke? These people here survive on $0.05 a meal which consists largely of home-cook rice (over a simple charcoal pot), some chilies and whatever stuff they could pluck from trees or from the Mekong river.

(Try coming to set up a fast food shop here, Ronald McDonald or Colonel Sanders)

I usually have to cross the border every two weeks to do grocery shopping in Thailand since everything in Laos is imported and is just too expensive. A Haagen-Daz ice-cream cost an arm and a leg - which is about US$20 in Laos. I usually take the opportunity to eat at KFC every two weeks when I visit Nongkhai - the nearest Thai town over the border.

And KFC in Thailand is fantastic. It is old style KFC establishment which means:

(a) your fried chicken come on a beautiful ceramic plate;

(b) bottles of chili sauce and ketchup on the table itself. So that is no need to go on your knees begging to the counter staff or trying to prostitute yourself to get a few more packets of ketchup. Go ahead, knock yourself out.

(c) it comes with metal knife and fork. Yeah, beat that, Singapore.

(d) there is free refill of water anytime. Jugs of ice water are sitting everywhere so there is no need to pace yourself sipping your coke or trying to eat ice to quench your thirst. Thai KFC staff patiently walk around refilling everyone's glasses with ice water. I mean, is that good customer service or what?

All these for 99 baht which is about S$4 for a two-piece meal. Can anyone beat that in terms of value for money? The only way to top that is to screen porn movies for free at KFC restaurants. Just kidding. Porn movies will distract me too much from the fried chicken.

KFC Singapore sucks. It used to be that KFC in Singapore was like those in Thailand. I should know - I used to work part time at KFC long time ago. Now we have long replaced ceramic plates with cheap paper boxes and the metal cutlery had since disappeared. You practically has to do a ninja-style hijacking run to get some servettes or extra packets of ketchup/chili sauce. I mean, can we become more cheapskate or what? And why does those dumbasses behind the counter in Singapore kept giving me the evil eye look everytime I want some extra chili sauce? Holy shit, I am just asking for extra chili sauce and not asking for sex. You practically have to beg those dumbasses to get some service. And God forbid, if you ask them for thighs and drumsticks only (gasp, the horror). Oh, and while I am at it, which dumbass only eat breast meat anyway? Aargh.

And what's with using paper boxes or plates for fried chicken? I get turned off just watching the oil from fried chicken soaking through the paper plates and that transparent piece of paper they put at the bottom of boxes - which remains a mystery to this day why they even bother. I wish I have thought of taking pictures of the KFC restaurant in Thailand but I was busily doing my once-every-two-weeks fast food binging thingy.

I used to think that Singapore is the best in everything. Fast food, cinemas etc. No more. KFC in Thailand = paradise. Don't even get me started on comparing the cinemas in Singapore and Thailand.