Thursday, March 02, 2006

Lonely Planet


All these time I yakked about the places I have seen, people I have met and awful food which I have eaten, I just realised that I am not as seasoned as a traveller as I thought. Thanks to the creators of http://douweosinga.com, I got myself the above map which illustrates the countries which I have been (red denotes the countries which I have travelled to). 16 countries and only 7 % of the world. I haven't put a foot into Europe yet unless you count European Turkey, the west side of the Bosphorous. 7% of the world - that is nothing. There are so many things I have yet to see or experience e.g. looking at the Northern Lights, taking the Trans-Siberian Line from Moscow to Beijing via Mongolia or going to see to Austrian town of Fucking (not swearing here but a real town name in Austria). Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps.

At this note, let me say something on Lonely Planet.

Many people considered themselves "Lonely Planeteers" in the sense that they won't travel to a new country without first going to your nearest Borders to get a copy of the Lonely Planet on the said country. I know that "Lonely Planeteers" are possibly as dorky as a name as I could imagine but hey, I used to be one of those legions of dorks. I have quite a collection of Lonely Planet books from Turkey to Taiwan. In the past, I almost always stupidly went to Borders to get a copy of the Lonely Planet for a incredulous price of S$51.95 before I travel. Side note : Why are books in Singapore so expensive? - one would think that there are free porn coupons within the pages. Ooh look, it might be S$51.95 for that lousy book but if you whisper a secret codeword to the Borders staff at the counter, she will pass you the latest Playboy magazine! What a deal! Stupid Singapore custom taxes. It is as if we are discouraging our own people to read and encouraging them to play Playstation instead.

Below is a email which I am about to send to Lonely Planet Editors.

- - - - -

Dear Lonely Planet Editor,

I used to be one of the legion of dorks which called themselves "Lonely Planeteers" and wouldn't step out of my country without the appropriate Lonely Planet guidebook. I found your guidebooks to be informative, detailed and generally useful for a wanderer like myself. Useful information include tips like opening/closing hoursof tourist attractions, various scams which I should be aware of and general social norms. It is with deep regret therefore I inform you that your Lonely Planet Taiwan sucks monkey balls and gave me so much misinformation that I would happily strangle all those editors on your front page.

May I ask who wrote these book and what are your target audience? It is as if the book is written by dumbasses who only been there for a couple of days and know the country only superficially (i.e. myself). If this is the current standard your company aspires to, give me your pay cheque and I will write a better guide on all Asian countries then the whole lot of you dumbassess put together. Some faux pas your book made:

(a) When you tell people to go seek friendly help at the Taipei Tourism Bureau (opens from 8am to 7pm), it would be most helpful to your readers if you add that, oh I don't know, THAT IT DOESN'T FREAKING OPEN ON A SUNDAY; and

(b) When you are gushing superlatives on Beitou Geothermal Valley as to how nice it is, the Crown Prince of Japan had visited, blah blah, and make people travel over an hour to see the place, it is also helpful to add that THE STUPID PLACE IS CLOSED ON MONDAYS FOR CLEANING. Do you know how many dumbasses like myself were standing outside the stupid gate on 13 Feb (Monday) and how many of us are holding a freaking Lonely Planet Taiwan book?

To say that I am not amused is to say that Hitler doesn't think much of Jews.

Oh, and may I suggest that your books stop being politically correct and start telling the truth about every country's people? I know you have to say nice things about every country's people but some of the political statements your books have made are outright lies and make my eyes bleed. I provide the below table of translation of standard Lonely Planet's description for your convenience:

(a) Lonely Planet
The people are warm and hospitable.
Obvious Translation
The people are not trying to steal you blind . . . yet. However, you should know that walking down a dark alley is still considered legalised suicide in these hospitable lands.

(b) Lonely Planet
The people are fairly helpful.
Obvious Translation
These "helpful" people will not call the ambulance if you are laying on the gound and bleeding to death. Please use the "money in your passport" routine to get some service.

(c) Lonely Planet
The people pride themselves in being a good host and will go out of their way to help foreigners feel at ease.
Obvious Translation
They will answer your queries for directions in a good-natured manner and then lured you to their shops to buy carpets and 10,001 souvenirs which you don't need. They want your money, get it?

(d) Lonely Planet
The people from the countryside are simple and nice folk.
Obvious Translation
They still want your money.

(e) Lonely Planet
The people from this country have often been characterised as some of the friendliest people in the world. Most travellers find this to be true.
Obvious Translation
HA HA HA.

To summarise, I am disappointed to note that your books seem to cater more and more to rich Tais Tais who travel with their LV luggage bags and always with a horde of tourist guides at evey step. Whatever happen to the original idea of Lonely Planets for the lonely backpacker?

Yours in disappointment,
Captain Obvious.

1 Comments:

Blogger vanilla said...

7% is good. My holidays is always in KL.

I wonder what Lonely Planet Singapore says about us?

4:44 AM  

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