Fairy Stupid Tale - Three Little Pigs and the Big, Bad and Frankly Worthless Moral Message

I have a thing for fairy tales. I think I read pretty much all the fairy tales written by Grimms and Hans Christian Andersen one time or the other. I did an informal survey using a sample size of two (just me and a Korean friend at lunch) on fairy tales and something odd struck me. I can assure everyone that the findings are acurate and scientific. All "brilliant scientists" out there will agree that with a grand sample size of two, how can my survey findings not be accurate and worthy enough to be published in a scientific journal?

Well, it seems that the very first fairy tale told to us by our teachers and parents is always the story of the "Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf".

Now, nobody know for sure why our parents or teachers read this story first to us and not other tales like say Little Match Girl, or even more exciting stuff such as He-Man vs Skeletor on Snake Mountain (ha-ha) where He-Man kicked Skeletor, Beast Man and Trap-Jaw's asses and asked hot Evil-Lyn for a date. Now that is a fairy tale to charm the kids.

In all probabilities, our parents / teachers are trying to keep the screaming kids quiet by huffing and puffing like a wolf (in other words act like a dumbass) and saying cute things like "not on the hair of my chinny chin chin". Most teachers don't look anywhere near like He-Man or She-Ra (in case you don't know, she is He-Man's sister, the sexy one but with a rubbish pony as a war horse) anyway. Reading Little Red Riding Hood might also not be advisable as explaining to the kids why a wolf could cross dress into a kinky grandma's outfit might scare the kids or at least confuse their sexual orientation in the future.

Everybody, and I do mean everybody, knows how this one goes. Big bad wolf blew down two houses made of straw and sticks and ate the two pigs. The third brother built a house of bricks and the wolf obviously could not blow it down (duh - why did wolf even bother trying). Wolf then tried climbing the chimney, fall into a pot of hot water and became dinner for the third intelligent pig. All the children cheered, thinking the forces of evil has been defeated by intelligence, cunning and hardwork and went home to play with their playstations. The teachers cheered too, relieved that the class is over and they could now go to Clark Quay and drink their sorrows of being stuck in this job away.

Ok, the fairy tale blows. Screw the hidden meaning of the third pig defeating evil using intelligence and hard work.

Firstly, pigs don't have hair on their chin (?) so where does the "hair on the chinny chin chin comes" from? I am sure James Orchard Halliwell Philips when compiling all these nursery tales in 1843 would never make that mistake. Any dumbass who say pigs have hairs on their chin should really go take a long hard look of himself in a mirror.

Secondly, I don't understand the concept of blowing down a house of sticks and straw (?). I mean someone kick the door down and eat the ham dinner already. How strong could a straw or stick door be? You have lungs strong enough to blow down a whole house but has to ask for permission to enter and not able to kick down a sticks/straw door? Pussy. You might as well get Wile. E. Coyote to help, you stupid wolf.

Thirdly, if children follow the example of the third pig and become book smart, hardworking students who don't play and just spend time studying, he is just going to be one sad pig. It will be his two brothers who have fun, networked and made friends who will become more successful in life- likely to be businessmen. Whatever happened to more rounded individuals (pigs) which our government wanted our kids to be? The first and second pigs are "happening" pigs who could sing and dance. The third pig will become another engineer or BEM grad (horrors) who collects bricks. Zzzzzz. The first two pigs will soon become entrepenurs and upgrade from stick/straw houses to condominium and employ pandas (bamboo chewing mean asses-I like them) to guard the gates against maurauding wolves. So teachers, don't tell your kids to be like the third pig who don't play and just collect bricks. These kids get a "F" in life.

You want a fairy tale that kids could learn from? Then relate the Transformers' story of Decepticon Starscream (which is the coolest transformer of all time). Anybody who doesn't know Transformers ought to take a step back now and evaluate his pointless existence. Starscream's story is a story of ambition and betrayal. In other words, he is cool.

He is ruthless, cold-blooded and cruel, but is also possessed of a cowardly streak. He will kick you when you're down, but is unlikely to take any direct action without backup (credit to answers.com for the insightful take on a badass character). He betrayed his boss Decepticon leader Megatron many times and even created Bruticus to fight his colleagues. He made a fatal mistake of assuming leadership thinking Megatron was destroyed. When Megatron returned as Galvatron, he finally got tired of the backstabbing Starscream and ass-kicked him to oblivion.

Moral of the story to kids: Don't trust anybody. If you want to backstab someone, make sure he is really dead before assuming total control.

By the way, Transformers rule!