5 women every guy's gotta date (rubbish sprouted by MSN)

I saw this article on MSN.com during Xmas. MSN.com is my default internet browser which means that everytime I try to surf the internet, I get swamped with articles like "Woman marries dolphin" or "Top ten tips to lose weight" or "Where the sexiest bartenders work". Hey MSN, how about an article on "How to irritate everybody by clogging up the page with useless articles and tips which caters only to Americans and nobody cares"? Aargh.

Right, so there was an article during Xmas which caught my eye although I was trying hard to skip the page altogether. It is called "5 woman every guy's gotta date" written by a guy called Jonathan Small, a free lance journalist from LA. The article's introduction stated that before settling down, these are (I quote) "the gals every man should date. Why? For the connection you two feel, of course, but also for the relationship lessons each one will teach you."

Ooh, fantastic, I thought. Nevermind that the title of the article is grammatically incorrect (hint : Mr Small, learn how to use the apostrophe). I am going to learn the art of dating from a lifeless website and a small-time stranger / bit-part journalist from LA. Joy!

I shall quote some parts of his article and provide my own translation (in italics) of what Mr Small is really trying to convey.

Type #1: The Older Woman
If you haven’t tried dating up the age chain, you don’t know what you’ve been missing. Mature women have been places, seen things, and have a sophistication and wisdom that you, my young friend, can—and should—soak up like a sponge. Older women know who they are and what they want,” explains Dr. Gilda. Spend time with one and you’ll gain a terrific perspective on life, and realize that being a desirable woman doesn’t mean being a woman younger than you are.

CO's translation : Congratulations, you are going to be a slave to the older woman! Welcome Igor, to your new mistress. Some Igors (credit to Terry Pratchett) has vampires as masters. Your new mistress walked around with a chip on her shoulder, thinking why life is so unfair that a gorgeous and successful woman like her couldn't get hitched. Better get used to bursting your wallet to eat with her at expensive places likes Lawrys. No McDonalds or Kenny Rogers for her, no siree! The older woman did not climb their corporate ladder to eat at a hawker centre or use the public transport either. Terrific perspective? More like a horrific perspective and a devil's contract to listen to her angst and bitching. That said, fetch me a napkin Igor!


Type #2: The Guy’s Girl
Every guy needs to experience that rare breed of gal who looks and talks like a woman, but loves sports, beer, and action flicks—in short, who acts like a guy.

CO's translation : There is a word for girls who loves sports, beer and action flicks and acts like a guy. The word is "ugly" or possibly "lesbian". Which planet did Mr Small live in? It sure ain't Earth! Maybe LA is filled with ugly skanks running around, barfing and digging their noses while dousing down copious amounts of beer and screaming at the TV whenever the LA Lakers loses (which is a lot nowadays). Bring this girl home if you want your parents to disown you.

Type #3: The Free Spirit
This girl always stops to smell the roses. She’s totally creative, spiritual, spontaneous—maybe a tad ditzy—and she relies more on instinct and inspiration than reason and good planning.

CO's translation : This is the kind of girl that insists you to walk with her in the rain without an umbrella and thinks it is romantic for a man to piggyback her down orchard road. This is also the kind of girl who watches Titanic at least 5 times (I am flying, Jack!), loves arts, watches artsy and expensive dramas at the Esplanade and keep telling you to be spontaneous. Surprise me, she says. I love such girls, if only to spontaneously powerbomb her and surprisingly ditch her on the spot.

Type #4: The Brainy Chick
Michael of Austin, TX, recalls his brainy ex-girlfriend this way: “She taught me how to debate with the best of them. I had to bring something to the table or she’d get bored. She challenged me in a way I wasn’t used to and that felt great.

CO's translation : You said brainy ex-girlfriend. Prosecution rests its case.


Type #5: The Seductress
It’s not for the reason you might think. Says Dr. Gilda, “Every guy needs to get this type of girl out of his system. Because he’ll quickly realize that sex alone cannot sustain a relationship".

CO's translation : You know, this is what pisses me off. It is like a rich guy ditching his Mercedes and has the hypocrisy to tell the poor guy that "you are so lucky, you don't have money so you have no choice but to take public transportation. Me? I am so rich that I have a headache choosing between a Mercedes or a BMW. What I should do ar? Why can't I be like you?" The next thing you know he is driving around in a Lexus.

To top it off, Mr Small has the arrogance to say that he has dated each of the above women—and vouches for them all. Thank you for your useless insight, Mr Small. By the way, having a surname called Small really sucks. You might have dated many women, but you still couldn't hold down a proper job in LA. Before anyone retorts that he is a journalist, free lance journalist is located at the bottom of the food chain of journalism i.e. somewhere at bacteria level. Show some integrity and determination, loser. Maybe then you could see through a proper relationship and get a proper job. Thank you for ruining Xmas. Shut up before I clothesline you already.