Fairy Stupid Tale Part 2 - Goldilocks and the Three Barely Thinking Bears

Everybody, please give a round of applause for the defending intercontinental champion of fairy stupid tales - "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". Clap, clap, boo, hiss. Someone threw a boot over the stage.

There are very few fairy tales that could rival Goldilocks and the Three Bears in terms of stupidity and sheer mind numbing dumbness. I recalled when I first heard this story when I was a child. I felt stupid and dirty after hearing it. There was this pain somewhere near the top of my skull that told me that my intelligence level just dipped precariously low to the level of a door knob. Even my teacher looked embarrassed reading this tale drenched in hypocrisy and dripping with irrelevance. When I asked the teacher what was the point of the story, I recalled she muttered something about it was not nice for young children to wander into the woods and should not ask too many questions. You could tell back then that teachers were already disgruntled about their jobs.

For those that do not know the story, I envy your ignorance. In a nutshell, a young blond girl (thus the name Goldilocks), got her ass lost in the woods and wandered into a nice civilised house inhabited by three nice bears (Papa, Mama and Baby Bear). The law-abiding bears were out for a walk before dinner. Dumbass Goldilocks brazenly walked into the house, breaking all known conventions of trespasses and meddled with the Bears' chairs and beds. She then violated the criminal code by engaging in stealing and eating the Bears' dinners. The exact adjectives differ from story to story, but generally the mother and father's beds and chairs are "too hard" and "too soft" and their porridges are "too hot" and "too cold", with the Baby bears' porridge, chair, and bed being "just right." The nerve of some thieving kids. Hardcore criminal Goldilocks was still asleep in baby's bed when the bears return home. Baby Bear was heart-broken at his messed up bed and empty porridge bowl. Master criminal mind Goldilocks then fled for her life with Baby Bear sobbing in the background.

What was the moral of the story? None. No, really, there was no point to the story. If Papa Bear had whooped Goldilocks's blond ass and laid the smackdown (TM) on her, there might be a vague point somewhere that crime doesn't pay especially if the victim is a 400 pounds bear. Instead, we are encouraging our kids to be rude, trespass wantonly onto other civilians' properties, steal food and generally commit evil because they can get away scot-free. Or because they think they are cute and the adults wouldn't mind. Blah.

The story should go on like this : Driven by the pain of losing his porridge, Baby Bear grew up 20 years later into a massive furry hulk and was feared throughout the forest as an ass-kicking champion of law and order. Hearing that Goldilocks had now married the handsome prince and had a spoilt brat of a prince, Baby Bear went to Shaolin Temple to learn martial arts from the monks. Mastering the "Shadowless Paws" (monks tried in vain to teach him the shadowless kicks but unfortunately, 500 pound bears can't even hop), he then went to the castle to avenge the 20-year old humiliation. Goldilocks was out shopping for LV. So Baby Bear defeated all the soldiers and then the handsome prince, ate him up but discovered that it was "too hard". He then ate the spoilt brat of a son, but he was "too soft". When Goldilocks returned with her LV Murakami Speedy 30, she discovered Baby Bear sitting on the throne, picking his teeth with a bone. He then ate Goldilocks up and finally 'It was just Right"! He then took the LV bag and returned to the forest and gave it to Mother Bear, thus proclaiming that revenge had been taken. He then set out on a quest to eat the evil makers of LV but that would be another story.

Moral of the story : Crime does not pay. Might not be now, might not be near, but someone will come to kick your rear (hey, it rhymes).