The Greatest Nemesis

Superman is afraid of kryptonite - a substance from his home planet. According to Superman's fan site, prolonged exposure to kryptonite will induce lassitude and inertia followed by death if not removed in time from Superman's presence.

Captain Obvious just found his kryptonite, something which would make me gag and die slowly if exposed to it for a long period. In fairness, I should have seen it coming. Here's a hint: I hate LV. Here's another hint: I hate golf. So what could be more horrible and terrifying than LV or golf?

Introducing my worst nightmare : the LV Golf Bag (Sac Golf NM).

Taken from eluxury - "With a sleek, modern look, Louis Vuitton's remarkable Golf Bag holds a full set of clubs, and contains numerous functional pockets for a golfer's necessities. Constructed from the light and practical Damier Géant canvas, this fine bag is a truly exceptional piece for the ultimate in golfing style." Some of its features include:

(a) Damier Géant canvas composed of ultra-stron technical fibers similar to those used in mountain-climbing ropes
(b) Holds a full set of clubs, with six compartments inside for easy access
(c) Includes four Louis Vuitton tees (golf tees not t-shirts)

Guess how much this thing costs? Don't bother, I tell you. US$8,650. That's one year subsistence for about 30 Lao families.

For those that do not know golf, let me put it into perspective. My current golfbag and its full complement of irons (7 iron clubs in total), drivers (3 drivers), woods (one fairway wood), putter and what-have-yous, cost me US$600. LV is charging US$8,650 for its bag ALONE (no clubs at all). You know, sometimes I wonder why LV doesn't just wave a knife and make consumers handover our wallets and purses. I often wonder whether the Pharaoh of Egypt was kinder to Moses' people than LV to modern consumers. The Pharaoh merely abused and whipped the Israelites in building pyramids for him. Ok, so the Pharaoh killed a few first born sons but did he try to sell LV golf bags to the Israelites at that price? Moses would have split more than the red sea if LV tried to sell golf bags at that price to his people.

I will further try to put LV's capriciousness into perspective for you by replying to LV's claims on its "features".

LV : Ooh, we are giving 4 LV tees for you (tees are tiny wood or plastic stand you stick into the ground for you to place the golf ball on for you to hit - thus the phrase tee off).

CO: Ooh, big freaking deal. Hey LV, I can get 12 tees for US$1. And you know what, they all perform the same damn function, which is to hold the stupid ball in place. Does having an LV logo on the tee make the ball go further? Don't make me giggle like a girl. And you know what is the best part? Tees are so small, you can't show off the LV logo anyway. Stupid.

LV: Look, the thing costs an arm and a leg because Damier Géant canvas composed of ultra-strong technical fibers similar to those used in mountain-climbing ropes.

CO: What do you intend to do - trap King Kong?

LV: But our bag holds a full set of clubs, with six compartments inside for easy access.

CO: Wow, a golf bag which holds clubs. Revolutionary! So does every damn golf bag on the market, stupid. Easy access, my ass.

LV: But our bag also contains numerous pockets for clothes, umbrellas, towels, balls and more.

CO: See above, genius. What other "amazing" features your bag has? It can *gasp* be put on a golf trolley?

LV: You are too smart for us.

CO: I know.

The sad thing about this is that I know of people who would actually throw US$8,650 down the toilet to buy this. You see, golfers are almost all vain tosspots. Golfers = Girls surfing ebay for LV = suckers. Every weekend, I saw tons of golfers on the golf course wearing the latest golf fashions - cowboy hats, swanky Taylor-made caps, the latest Burberry and Nike polio shirts. They carry the latest golf bags and accessories such as gloves and shoes. One golfer I know actually bought a "special golf calculator" to count the number of strokes per hole. As if he can't count past six. Oh, and the greatest display of dumbassness, entire hordes of grown men who wear red polio shirts simply because that is what Tiger Woods always wears. Hey dumbass, ever consider the possibility that Tiger Woods is champ because he is good and not because he wear red shirt?

Man, I give up on my own human kind. If I see the LV Sac Golf NM on the golf course, I will make it a point to aim my ball towards the owner of the bag.