What I want for BCCNY (Birthday, Christmas and CNY)

I want to have a phone with the following:

(a) a Global Positioning System (GPS) which will tell me its location i.e. whether it is lying beneath the car seat, under the sofa or in the haversack of one of those goddamn phone thieves. This way, I can find the phone thief and introduce him to my seven-iron golf club. I might be bad at hitting a golf ball straight but I guarantee that I am a sniper when comes to killing phone thieves with a seven-iron;

(b) with a self exploding device implanted in it. Once it recognised that the finger prints of the person using it are not mine, it will emit the following text message on screen:

"The phone will self destruct in 5 seconds. . . . dumbass." BOOM. That goes your chances of playing "Swanlake" on the piano, dipshit. Unless you can play piano using your left fingers and toes exclusively.

(c) a Transformer phone. Like Megatron who instead turning into a gun, becomes a Nokia 6125 instead. Once he detects that the voice pattern of the user is different from mine, he will became a bad ass 30-foot robot and stomp the phone thief to a pancake.

In case anyone is wondering, yes, I lost my handphone. Twice in a year. There is someone out there stalking me (or my Nokia phones). Either that or Nokia deliberately sent out "phones retrieval" squads to steal back Nokia phones so that Nokia sales continue to boom. The strange thing is that I got an old Nokia phone which I have been trying to lose it but thieves consistently ignore it even though I always make it a point to leave it at the most conspicious places. Picky bastards.

I paid S$400+ for the old phone so I am still sore at it. What a way to burn my bonus. At the moment, everyone is behaving suspicious to me. My mind is filled with suspects and conspiracy theories. I think I will be sleeping with my seven-iron golf club tonight.