An Awesome Tibit about Laos

One of the most knowledgeable man in Laos, whom I have the honor of playing golf with (because he is nice and not an asshole), told me this interesting tibit about Laos. I have never heard about this and it is something which no local Lao would ever told foreigners like myself. I pray that it is true because it is so f_kng funny. Let's call my friend CowboyHat (since he always wear a cowboy hat when playing golf).

More than 45% of Laos' population constitutes of people from the hill tribes. There are about 49 main tribes including the Meo and dozens of sub-tribes. They are distinguished by headgear and strange customs and even languages. These tribal people are so remote that they don't even speak Lao. Lao businessmen often have to find indigenious interpreters when they have to visit the remote northern mountains of Laos to communicate with these tribes. In addition, some of their customs are strange-strange as in Holy Shit, Strange. For example, if you visit some tribes and take a fancy to a girl, you could just speak to the father of the girl. The dad will be HONORED if you could sleep with his daughter. No obligations at all. Now that's what I call hospitality.

I got the above pic off Wikipedia. It show the Meo / Hmongs in their traditional costumes with trinkets and jewellery and all. You can't quite tell but the ladies are arranging themselves in a row and throwing a cotton ball at men, who would then throw back. I have actually participated in this "game" two years ago during the Hmong New Year. Some girl threw a ball at me so I threw back. It turns out that this is a "mating tradition". Tradition has it that the girl will throw the ball at a guy she fancies and if the guy thinks the girl is cute enough, he will then reciprocrate by throwing the ball back. Hey, I didn't even know that some girl was hitting on me two years ago. I will post the pics if I can still find them.

So, CowboyHat said that there is a really obscure and small tribe in Laos which lives high up in the mountains in the North which borders China. By some genetic twist of fate, the women are famed for being tall, fair and pretty (which is rare in Laos) but the guys are err . . . . stumpy and dark. As the years go by, the situation got even worse as the women got prettier and the guys got well . . . stumpier. Some hundreds years ago, the leader of the tribe decided that this could not continue as the male offsprings were simply getting too ugly/short to mate and might ruin the gene pool. Thus the esteemed tribal leader decided to instill a custom that visitors from other tribes (the Hmongs, Karens and Akhas etc) were welcomed to visit their remote village to mate with their beautiful ladies. As you can expect, men from other tribes were well, quite excited. It was like someone sounded the gong for the opening of the all-you-can-eat, ass and pussy buffet in the mountains.

But alas, the eager males from the other tribes who came were also not exactly Tom Cruises and Brad Pitts either. They were barely a cut about the existing stumpy men in the tribe. (This is true by the way. Men who live in the mountains and hunt animals/cut wood might sound manly/rugged and macho to women but they are not exactly handsome. Oh, they are rugged all right but they also look like wiry dark chimpanzees. I am not insulting anyone - it is the truth. Civilisation make us pretty and handsome. For one thing, it improves hygiene).

Thus the problem persists even to today. Now, Cowboyhat said that about 30 years ago, the tribal leader decided to come down from the remote mountain and see the world to look for a solution. When I say "the world", I mean Vientiane - the capital city. Tribal Leader (TL) trekked a long way from the mountains, crossed mighty rivers and had to eat tubers, wild fruits and occasional unlucky animals along the way to get to the main road. He managed to get a ride to Vientiane after trekking for so long that most sane men would have given up. Give him credit for being determined.

When he reached Vientiane (this must be in the late 70s or 80s), TL was understandably awestruck. Not just by the urban surroundings but by the fact that men in Vientiane were more handsome than those in the mountains. Not only that, he noticed for the first time in his life, foreigners, especially tall FOREIGN MEN WITH BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES. TL immediately made the long arduous trip back to his village and sent the word out that he would welcome foreigners and Lao men from the cities to visit this village and mate with his beautiful women.

Word got out and this is where it got funny. TL was suddenly spoilt for choice - suddenly men from the cities started streaming up to the mountain to queue up for the buffet line. Not only Lao men from the cities, but horny Japanese and Korean tourists started showing up. CowboyHat said that when he was there six months ago (CBH claimed he was there for business - yeah right), he noticed a long line of Japanese men queueing outside the pond near TL's house. Unfortunately for these horny Japanese tourists, TL has a new set of criterias in place. First priority is given to:

(1) Men from Central Asian Republics namely, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan. TL's reasoning that these men are tall, handsome and a perfect mix of Asian and European features. The best genes.

(TL's global geographical knowledge has evidently improved - way to go Captain Cavemen! Next stop - internet porn! )

and second priority to:

(2) Tall white men with blue eyes.

According to CowboyHat, the entire waiting Japanese tourists were asked to leave because they were all ugly short farts. MUWAHAHAHAH. Btw, don't you find it strange? When there is free pussy, there will always be horny Japanese and Korean men. It is like moth being drawn to fire. Natural Law working here. Well, too bad, perverts. Go back and watch your Jap sailor moon porn.

The actual procedure is actually quite simple Once TL agreed that the man is good looking enough, the lucky man will get to choose his lady among the women of the tribe. Once that is settled, TL will actually throw a big village dinner inviting almost everyone in the village for a night of feasting and dancing. Then the assigned girl and the lucky man will adjourned to a nice room in the house of the girl's father to start the "proceedings". If the girl's father has passed away and is too poor to own a proper house, TL will magnamiously lend his own room while TL sleeps outside in the open.

If the girl got pregnant, then word will be sent to inform the man, if he could be reached. But in any case, there are no obligations on the man. The child will be brought up by the whole village. Man, I can't wait for another 10-20 years when there is a new race of handsome blue-eye Lao people in the mountians.

I find this custom fascinating. Talk about recruiting foreign talent if the local talent just couldn't get the job done (or in this case, too butt ugly). I must say I am impressed by the determination of these hundreds of tribal leaders who crack their brains throughout the years and do what it takes for the remote tribe to survive. Screw customs and tradition, if a foreigner is better, so be it. Who says a backward mountain Lao does not understand globalisation?