Why Cheers? Prelude to a Beatdown

I hate people signing off their emails with "cheers". Australians and kiwis use the slang often enough in their conversations and emails like it is in their national culture. I can barely deal with their utter douchebagness. But more and more Singaporeans in my own country are using this slang to sign off their emails, official and personal, without even giving it a second thought as to what it means. I heard that this is because some HR local gurus are advocating that the usage of "kind regards" to sign off is boring and therefore, it is better to use "cheers" to distinguish oneself from the rest of the mob (i.e me and you). In other words, they are trying to appear cool, hip and elite.

Ooh, look at me, no more kind regards from me. Now, I will just give you a vague, ubiqitious cheers! I am cool, hip and different! Go, me!

Nevermind the fact that in their attempt to be different and cool, these people conveniently forget that they are actually not young but balding 40 year-old men and women who are complete douchebags and dumbasses. These people wouldn't be able to tell cool even if ice-cubes rained from the sky. Or if LL Cool J started rapping in front of them. It is sad really, matured men and women seeking to recapture their youth and lost time by trying to make some vague cultural statement when signing their emails off differently. Thus, more and more people are jumping on the bandwagon and using "cheers". It has come to the stage when people are using this indiscriminately in their emails like below:

- - - -

Dear A,

I want to see these two major assignments completed by this Friday morning. Nevermind the fact that these two major assignments have nothing to do with you and that your wife is giving birth this week. Do it because I pay your salary and I am just mean. By the way, you are also a lazy lying bastard who always come to work late and make excuses that went beyond the realm of stupid and clear into the territory of insanity. In other words, you suck.

Cheers,
B

- - - - -

Dear B,

You will get your reports. I also think your wife has a beard and is more manly than you. Your gardener has been bonking your ugly wife behind your back by the way.

Cheers,
A

- - - - -

Am I the only one who see something wrong with the above picture? WHAT'S SO CHEERFUL ABOUT GIVING WORK TO OTHERS? YOU ARE DIRECTLY MOCKING THE PERSON, STUPID. If this is not ground for aggrevated assault, I don't know what is.

If I have the power to project my hatred through the PC (like Sadako from the Ring), a lot of dumbasses would feel a sudden headache equivalent of a CO's headbutt as well as an uppercut to their balls or ovularies (if women sender). I don't appreciate being mocked at whenever a person still say cheers when they give me work or break some bad news to me. For the love of all that is good and holyon this earth, don't sign off cheers when you are causing inconveniances to other people.

I must confess one dark secret though. Against my better judgement and discretion, I succumbed to the "advice" of seniors and so called HR gurus and reluctantly signed off an email with "cheers" many years ago. I know, I know. Gasps, the horror, what am I thinking - so on and so foth. My only defence is that I was young and just started work. When you just started work, you actually thought your seniors were giving you friendly and useful advice. Then you realised that your seniors were talking out of their asses. Believe me till this day, I still cringe when I remember that email I sent. No matter how much I scrub myself, I still feel dirty. To young people everywhere, don't listen to your seniors. They are selling BS in a nice Hallmark parcel. Use your common sense.

Common sense is lacking in many people nowadays in the using of the slang "cheers". Not only in emails but daily conversation. For example, I recalled I was drinking recently when I heard this:

Waiter : Here's your beer, Sir.
White Man dumbass : Cheers.

No, you f-ckng douchebag. You don't say cheers, you should say THANKS!! What's wrong with you??!!? People do you a service and you said cheers?! I was so tempted to fling my mug towards his smug ass direction and point the accusing finger towards this tattoed guy behind me who looked like he was just released from prison.

I don't understand people. The only occasion in which we should use "cheers" is when a toast is called for. The rest of the occasions are clear ground for a physical beatdown from me.