Movie Review : Snakes on a plane

This movie sucks ass.

And thus ends today's awesome review.







HA HA HA HA.


I am actually prepared to write a long tirade against this massive dud of a movie but I realised that since it has already robbed me of 90 minutes of my life, why should I waste 30 more minutes lamblasting it?

This movie blows ass on many levels (story, graphics, acting etc), which if all combine, results in a blinding conflagration of suck. Where do I start? Perhaps with the storyline (or lack of a coherent one). Criminal mastermind puts a massive host of poisonous snakes on a commercial airliner in order to bring down the entire plane which carries a key witness. YAWN. Is it me or is that a lot of work? You have time and money to bring together a fantastic army of cobras, rattlesnakes, middle eastern black deaths, poisonous snakes of all colours and sizes from Africa to commit mass murder on a grand scale and you couldn't just bribe someone to just shoot the witness? There is a serious lapse of logic here.

And how the F does one manage to sneak an anaconda on the plane? I mean, shit, that dumb snake must be weighing a ton and is the size of my two cars combined.

But the most incredible thing is that while snakes started entering the economy class cabin (via the toilets, luggage compartments and through the floor), all the passengers started running to the first class cabin and barracade the passageway and they were safe. Which raises the question, is the first class cabin totally disconnected from the rest of the plane and has no holes for the snakes to crawl through? I mean, I know the food in the economy class cabin sucks but man, this just make me think twice about taking economy class in view of the safety reason.

But at least the movie managed to provide me with some laughs. I watched this movie in Bangkok (in MBK) and when the snakes started crawling out of the cargo, some of the Thai people around me started to act surprise and exclaim "Ngu! Ngu! (Snakes! Snakes!)"

Wah lau eh. The show is called "Snakes on a plane". Why is every dumbass so surprised thus to see snakes? What do you expect? Ferocious pandas? Angry hamsters with nuts stored in their cheeks? (Note to self : Hmm . . . aggressive bamboo chewing pandas on a plane attacking passengers . . . That would so OWN everything. I am going to patent the idea). This reminds me of the time I watched Lake Placid (the one with a giant crocodile) in Lido. The girl behind me kept saying "what is it?!" Wah lau eh, the movie poster outside the cinema clearly showed a crocodile coming out of the lake. I mean, shit, the stupid girl frightens me more than the crocodile.

This dumb movie is likely to have a stupid sequel. If disasters such as Garfield and Underworld could have sequels, you are guaranteed that there will be a SOAP II. I wonder what's next though, Dinosaurs in a Cab? Pandas in a LV shop? (yet another patent worthy idea from CO). In conclusion, watch SOAP only when:

(a) you do not have a deep phobia about snakes (although these are computer generated ones and looked quite fake);

(b) no phobia about planes turbulence;

(c) you really need to watch a movie and it is between this movie and the steamy pile of BS that is called the Lakehouse.