Great Teacher CO - Part 2

Yawn. Finally, 2 days break in the World Cup before the quarter finals start. These few days have been tiring for me due to the following evening routine:

(a) watch a match from 10 pm to 12 am
(b) catch 2 hours of sleep
(c) wake up at 2 am to watch the other match to 4 am.
(d) catch another 3 hours of sleep
(e) drive to work while avoiding the usual dumbasses on motorbikes and this cow which has been taking up residence in front of my house. Really, I got a cow grazing peacefully in the small padi field outside my house. Like all cows and buffaloes in this country, she has a habit of napping on the road. I shall call her "daisy" since all cows are either called "daisy" or "buttercup".

At the office, it is the hardest thing to focus while suffering from a severe lack of sleep. We all know how it feels like. You feel like you have an out of body experience - that your soul is away from your body and is looking down, thinking to itself" Who is this dumbass sitting on the chair, staring at the PC? Oh wait, is me." Thank God I have perfected the art of pretending to be awake and alert while my brain is on Microsoft screensaver mode/ Intel energy saving format. One does not go through 4 years of NUS education without learning how to keep your eyes open during a lecture, usually conducted by a cheap Indian expat lecturer who can't pronounce "semen" from "cement", while sleeping discreetly. Now who says NUS doesn't teach any useful life skills? Oh wait, that's me again.

Oh yeah, back to my dream of being a teacher.

I dreamt that I walked into a classroom containing like 20 primary six kids. I was dressed . . . funny. Below is my appearance which I created using storTroopers. I looked like this:

Yep, I was walking around with a shirt and tie and wearing a kick-ass Stormtrooper mask. For some reason, it seemed like the most normal thing in the world. The kids in the class were doing the usual dumbshit things kids do like running around the class and screaming at the top of their lungs. One boy stopped when I walked in and asked me rudely who I was. I recalled saying "I am you new relief f-king teacher" and then proceeded to bitch-smack him in the jaw as if I am Stone Cold Steve Austin. Another girl said in a whiny voice "you can't do that, I will complain to . . . ." She couldn't complete her sentence because my foot was in her mouth at that point. Another girl put up her hand, asking "Teacher, I want to go to the toilet." I said "I regret to inform you that there won't be any toilet breaks in my class". At that point, every kid was running towards me yelling to go to the toilet or canteen and for their parents/MOE/Jesus Christ, saying nasty words like child abuse, God loves kids, teachers should be loving towards kids and Singapore MOE want 1st world education system and does not condone physical violence blah blah etc etc. One of kids became so furious that he transformed into Blanka in Streetfighter.

Did I back down from screaming kids in his dream? HELL NO!

So what do you f-cking do when faced with Blanka and hordes of screaming kids? All Singaporean men from age 15-30 know what to do. You threw a fireball at Blanka and then dragon uppercut the hairy bugger when he jumped over the fireball for 10% damage. Like this.

The rest of the screaming horde was more tricky. I had to drink a ginseng potion, charge up my Musou meter while laying a 5-hit combo smackdown (tap A, A, B, C, C+D) on this Eurasian boy who was throwing lego bricks at me. POW! Eurasian boy got nothing on me. This bring my Musou meter to the full and I cancelled my 5-hit combo into Super CO Desperation Power Geyser Special which automatically guard crushes everyone and deals 75% damage to all the little screaming banshees. Round Over - CO Wins! I threw my cap to my adoring fans while a cutscene involving cheering Hooters waitresses and flying mugs of beer was played.


(I fully understand that people who don't play arcade games won't have a frigging clue what I just wrote in the last two paras. Do yourself a favour, go play Dynasty Warriors 5 and King of Fighters like everyone does.)

Actually, this is not the end but I am too tired to continue. What a wonderful dream, eh? Some might ask how one can get such a kick-ass dream. Well, forget about new-age pillows and mattresses. Just follow CO's recipe for kick-ass dreams:

(a) impress the locals by drinking 7 glasses of whiskey (Johnny Walker Black - straight up);
(b) follow it up with a depth charge with a Barcadi 151 shot;
(c) six or seven glasses of beer - not sure.
(c) do (a) - (c) on an EMPTY STOMACH
(d) then top it up with bad Lao food such as their infamous sour sausages which are just raw meat fermented with lime juice in banana leaves. No idea how it taste like? Well, leave a piece of fatty char siew in the afternoon sun for a couple of days. It tastes roughly like that piece of char siew, except it is 100 times worse.

I guarantee that if you follow step (a) to (d), you would have the most wonderful, kick-ass dream. Or you can be dead. Pass me the whiskey again. Germany vs Argentina coming up.