The Worst Movies in 2006

Since the year is winding down to a close, it is appropriate to review some of the worst movies I have watched in 2006.

Firstly, let me say that 2006 is an exceeding poor year for movies. There is not a single memorable blockbuster which really fired up my imagination and exceeded expectations. Honorable mention goes to V for Vendatta and Pirates of the Caribbean II which managed to save 2006 from being a total suck-ass cinematic year. Why am I so negative? Let's take a brief review of all "big hits" shall we?

Mission Impossible III : The only good thing in this movie is the hot Asian chick Maggie Q (or is it U). But even Maggie something couldn't save this Tom Cruise's bomb of a movie from self destructing in 5 seconds. Mindless unbelievable spy caper which ends with an untrained housewife killing all assassins in the end even though she has never touched a gun in her life. I mean, shit. The whole cinema was in shock. Tom Cruise, as actor and director, can suck it for all I care. The worst thing is that everytime a MI movie comes out, you keep hearing the MI theme song everywhere e.g. commercials, dumbasses' mobile phones' ring tone etc.

Suck-O-Meter : 7/10

X-Men III : Brianless popcorn muncher. They might as well call it the Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) and Halle Berry (Storm) show since everything revolves around them. Nobody else is important. Cyclops died like a pussy. I mean, we are talking Cyclops here. Angel pops in to say hi, flapped his wings like a pigeon and then left. And Rogue . . the beautiful and hot Rogue appeared for like 10 minutes and then voluntarily became human. I mean, shit.

Suck-O-Meter : 6/10

Da Vinci Code : The book is great, the movie is a travesty. This one came close to be the worst movie in 2006 if not because I have a soft spot for Audrey Tautou as Sophie. She's cute. Otherwise, the movie is boring as hell. I recall watching this movie at home and praying for it to end so that I could get on with playing Need for Speed:MW on the playstation. I pity those who didn't read the book and have to figure the whole shit out within two hours at the cinema.

Suck-O-meter : 9/10

There are many, many bad movies which warrant a (dis)honorable mention such as Ultraviolet, Harry Potter, Poseidon, Snakes on a Plane and babzillion Korean movies. It would take too long and I would fall sick if I tried to recall those lost hours watching these bad movies. So in brief, the top 3 worst movies in 2006. Starting in No.3 . . . .

(3) Superman Returns

Superman Returns is about Superman who left Earth to his home planet and came back some years later to wear his underwear outside again. He discovered that his old flame Lois Lane is married to some guy and has a kid. As Clark Kent, he also has to get his old job back as a dorky reporter. Life sucks if you are Superman. Too bad nobody gives a shit. His girlfriend's kid then turned out to be HIS son which of course indicated that Superman and Lois Lane had sex at some point and his kid now has superpower.

WOW. The comic universe just turned upside down. You would think Lois Lane would remember something important like, oh I don't know, being impregnated by SUPERMAN?!!! And she acted so normally in front of her normal human husband for years as if nothing happened. Slut.

And then the bald nemesis of Superman, Lex Luthor, decided to create some real estate by growing some land mass (I am not making this shit up) but it wasn't clear exactly as to how Luthor actually expects to get money out of it. Rent? Superman then tried to save the world by lifting the whole extra continent (Luthorland? Singa-Luthor?) and throw it to space. The movie conveniently forget to explain why the resulting tsunamis with the displaced landmass didn't engulf Hawaii or Singapore. Superman then fainted from exhaustion, fall back to Earth like a pussy and the human hospitals tried to save him using conventional medicines, IVs and the odd panadols. Superman then took some sick leave from work and then flew away into space without paying his hospital bills using medisave or medishield. The last I heard, the Justice League led by Captain America is refusing to pay for Superman's hospital bills and the case is being referred to the International Court of Justice with the Punisher acting as the public prosecutor and Batman as Superman's lawyer.

Do I even need to go on?

Suck-O-Meter : 9.5/10

(2) The Banquet

I have written enough about the Banquet. Suffice to say, my respect for Zhang Ziyi dropped tremendously after I walked out of the cinema. How many royal rose baths can ZZY take without her skin peeling off?

There wasn't any redeeming feature in the movie since I am not turned on by ZZY's bony ass which appeared wet on screen every 10 minutes or so. The prince and his idiot fiancee pissed me off no end too. Come to think of it, everyone from ZZY, the King, pussy prince, the princess, her incestuous brother, those gay actors with masks, dumbass enunchs and guards and even the storekeeper who sells poison pissed me off. I like nothing and detest everything in the movie. Everyone connected to this movie should be burnt to death. Or watch ZZY's bony ass for 2 hours. Whichever is more painful. For this reason, I am not going to watch the Curse of the Golden Flower since I have enough of period dramas and I am not into Gong Li's old fat ass.

Suck-O-Meter : 9.8/10

And the worst movie in 2006 is . . . .

(1) The Promise (aka sucks donkey's dick)

I leave it to my friend who is from mainland China to describe this movie directed by Chinese "international star director"Chen Kaige (snigger)and cost millions to make.

"It is a humiliation to the Chinese people and the Chinese government." Well said.

In the movie, we have Korean and Hongkong actors and actresses trying to speak Chinese even though they can't speak shit. Nicholas Tse and Cecilia Cheung should seriously considering retiring after this movie or at least consider acting in porn movies since porn actors/actresses have the same level of inane dialogue or even better. Seriously, they should have sticked Pamela Anderson in "The Promise" since she also can't speak Chinese and have waaaay larger boobs than Cecilia.

Everything in this movie is bad. A fairy godmother cursed a little girl for no good f_cking reason (Where is Shrek and Donkey when you needed them?). The general's headgear and armour is ridiculous and looked like something they put together using tin foils and styrofoams from the nearest 7-11. Till today, I couldn't figure out the storyline which dimly involves a race of people who can run very fast - which we can all agree, is pure stupid. I also don't know what exactly is "The Promise" - maybe a promise to refund every customer who paid good money to watch this shit? Everyone speaks Chinese badly, everyone acts like they are in an opera and the computer graphics are amongst the most stupid special effects since TCS' VR Man (I wonder whether I am the only person left in Singapore who remembers VR Man).

"The Promise" is what will happen when you threw millions of money at a Chinese arty-farty director like Chen Kaige and ask him to make a movie. You can give him millions of Chinese dollars and a whole cast of international stars. But ultimately, you cannot tie a ribbon to a pile of shit and call it chocolate.

Suck-O-Meter : 25/10

2006 can suck it for all I care. Can't wait for it to end.

People I met in this region - the Lao Hermione Granger

If one reads Harry Potter books, one would know that Harry Potter has this irritating best friend called Hermione Granger who has bushy hair and is supposed to be one of the most powerful girl-witches in her generation. She is the girl everyone meets at one time or the other - the girl who always raises her hand excitedly whenever the teacher asks a question, who is morally principled and would never skip classes and spends an eternity lecturing you to do your homework. If Hermione is in Singapore, she will be the sort to score 100 in every tests from Physics to Confucius Studies (do we still offer that shit?) and bitch about getting only 99 marks in Economics.


In other words, the kind of student whom we always like to steal her eraser so as to irritate her no end.



Anywho, I was invited to attend this oil painting exhibition on a Friday night. Normally I don't attend this sort of artistic BS where everyone walks around with a glass in one hand and nod sagely at strange paintings and make pesudo-intellectual comments like "Hmm, the light truly accentuates the colours of the sky. And look at the meticulous ways the artist has painted the edges of the orange so that the different textures of grey blend into the shadows in the background". Dumbasses. Anyway, I was supposed to attend a Taekwondo exhibition later that night so I thought I dropped by to say hi to my friend first who incidentally, is the organiser of this oil painting exhibition.

At the oil painting exhibition, I met this really striking ang moh woman with bushy hair. She is in her 30's but with a really nice figure and cute. Since there were nobody remotely interesting at the exhibition to talk too, I grab a beer and walked up to her. She turned out to be a Hungarian. I shall call her Hermione Granger (HG) [obvious in a while] and this is her story:

"I met my Lao husband when he was in Hungary for studies and I followed him back to Laos since. I now opened an art gallery in Luang Prabang (a sleepy northern city in Laos and 10 hours drive from Vientiane). Business is slow so I usually meditate during the day. I am also into palm reading as I believe strongly that this current life I am leading is not my first time on Earth. So I went to see this famous fortune teller and he told me that this is indeed the fourth life I am leading!

(HG'S pretty but slightly mad eyes widened in excitement).

My first life was a witch! And the fortune teller told me that I often used my magic for good and to heal the poor and helpless. He also said that I could fly among the treetops at night! Isn't that the most wonderful thing in the world?

My second life was a princess! Imagine that, I was a royalty! He told me that I had many servants and stayed in a castle. But I was killed by someone in the end.

My third life was a normal person in France. Nothing special.

This is my current 4th life. Oh, how I wish I am leading my 1st life as a witch and have the ability to fly among the treetops! I am trying to read some books on how to do that (fly?). Wouldn't you agree that it would be wonderful if I can fly?"

Normally, I would be shocked. But since I met quite a lot of weird people in this region, the surprise gene was beaten out of me a long time ago. So I just answered her in the most normal tone in the world, as if I was buying vegetables at the market instead of talking to a wanna-be witch at a oil painting exhibition:

CO : So, were you using a broomstick or flying with the help of a spell?

HG : I am not sure. Broomstick I guess.

CO : Flying with broomstick is tough. Nobody can be comfortable riding the stick of wood for long periods. How does one even navigate a broomstick and increase speed?

HG : That is a good question.

CO : I wonder whether broomsticks can drift around corners like those stunt drivers in Fast and Furious : Tokyo Drift. My dream is to drift around Singapore in a Mitsubishi Lancer Evo 7, you know.

HG : . . . . .

CO : By the way, do you think you can play Quidditch? Wouldn't it be cool?!! Would you be a beater or a chaser? I want to be a keeper myself.

HG : Quid . . what?

She then proceeded to drag me to every oil painting and explained to me the intricacies of each painting and the "story" it was trying to tell. I went along since she was pretty (but mad) and it was hard to escape from the clutches of a witch. She gave me her name card and asked me to call her if I am in town - as if I would want a broom ride from the airport (?).

Hermione must have flunked her last year at Hogwarts and decided to sell art in Laos.

People I met in this region - Part 2 (Story of River)

Let's conclude the storied story (?) of River - our friend from Chicago who wandered to Laos to look for a river and the man in her dreams.

I went to Kung's cafe to look for the river seeker. According to Kung, River has left Laos over a year ago. This is Kung's story as to what happened to River:

"River was buying food from Khuadin market one day when she bumped into a Lao man. River was shocked because the Lao man was dressed exactly like the beautiful man standing along the river in her dream. In other words, the man was wearing the same green pants (Note : River did not tell me that the man along the river in her dream was wearing green pants. Can her dream get more bizzare?). River was smitten and decided that there was no need to look for a river anymore because she had found the beautiful man in her dreams. Her destiny was fulfilled!

River thus fell in love with this Lao man who was a sculptor. However, the Lao man used her. The Lao man claimed to do a lot of work for charity and used River's help although his activities were really all for profit. E.g. when the Thai government gave away free tree saplings to the poor Thais in Northern Thailand, the Lao man tricked River to cross the border to Thailand with him to help grab as many free tree saplings as possible (even though he is not Thai). The Lao man told River that he was taking these saplings for the poor in Laos. However, by a twist of fate, River discovered that the Lao man was actually selling these saplings at the market for his own profit.

River was disillusioned and left the Lao man. She decided to leave Laos with a sad heart."

Welcome to Bizzaro Land!

If looking for a river in her dream is not bizarre enough, I still can't believe she fall in love with a man just because he was wearing the same green pants as the guy in her dream.

I wish River the best of luck in her future endeavours. Or in her quests to look for geological features like rivers or volcanoes.