West Coast Park

I usually jog at West Coast Park during my short time back in Singapore. It is a great place to jog and I always make it a point to bring my father here to fly his kites.

But everytime I come to WCP on weekdays to jog, I always run into foreign workers from Thailand and Philippines making out in some dark corners of the park. Some couples did it under some trees, others sat on shady benches to kiss and make out, pressing their lips together as if they were joined together at birth. I think one woman was practically sitting on her man's lap, dry-humping him as if he was an OSIM chair. All glared at me as if I was somehow intruding into their privacy, eating popcorn and enjoying their entire act although it was the greatest show in earth. Which was ironic, since I should be the one claiming damages for pyschological damage. This is one free show which all should pass up the opportunity to see lest one becomes impotent.

Some were obviously maids since they had a baby stroller or a dog on lease nearby. Imagine sending your maid out with your baby to take a walk (which lazy ass parents do this? Obviously a lot), and she decided to take your baby to some dark bush in order to get some kinky love-in with her man. Gross.

And this one time, I decided to drop by at the McDonalds at WCP to get a drink after a jog. In front of me was this fat lardass that was so big, he was blocking my view of the counter staff (as well as the sun) all by himself. McFatty was ordering the largest serving of McDonalds I had ever heard. He was ordering like two McChicken burgers, maybe a thousand chicken nuggets, about a million fries, galleons of bbq and chili sauce and a milkshake. I think he also asked for an apple. And that was BEFORE he supersized all his shit. I actually have no problem with big eaters but he had such a foul body ordour (I guess emanating naturally from his "delightful" body shape) that the whole place stank to the heavens and back. His ordour actually lingered at the counter long after he was gone, as if it had a physical presence or like a ghost -forever haunting the place for being unfairly upsized. The Mc Donalds boy at the counter looked like he would burst into tears after serving McFatty his upsized monster meal.

I decided not to get anything from McDonalds after that.

On Leave

Vientiane is like a proverbial warzone after three days of merriment and sheer out chaos as the Lao people celebrate the Lao New Year. This year is especially wild because the government has declared 16-18 Apr as public holidays. This means that the Lao people have been dancing on the streets since 14 Apr from dawn till midnight. Even now I can hear loud music and merry-making from the office. The whole city is now littered with plastic bags and beer bottles everywhere, not to mention that everyone is wet as . . . wet, mangly dogs.

No point staying around for another two days in the Asia's version of wet Disneyland. Many restaurants are closed anyway so I am having a problem with food. Driving is also hazardous since people are literally dancing on the streets. Once when I was driving, a girl opened my car door while I stopped at a junction and gave me a good old fashioned bucket of cold water in my face. Thanks, bitch. Next time, remind me to run you over.

So it is better to escape from all this boisterous merrymaking and wet revelry. I hope it is not raining in Singapore.

Oh and by the way, for V - a black Lamborghini Murcielago. Incidentally, my favourite ride from Need for Speed:MW and Need for Speed : Carbon. James Bond's Aston Martin DB 9 got nothing on the Lamborghini line of cars.

Here come my Grades!

I got a memo from the HR department today telling me to verify my personal particulars. It is an annual exercise, I think. As if somehow, the names of my parents and my sex could change within a year.

But what a stroll down memory lane while checking my particulars. In my case, memory lane looks like King Kong just walked through it and taking a dump in the middle of it. You see, they actually listed down the grades (oh, the horrors) I got from all 49 subjects I have taken in NUS since the 1st year, 1st semester in 1996. Just looking at the 49 subjects and the grades I got makes me want to hide under the table. Below is just a small selection of the 49 subjects that NUS used to cheat my money (and time) for four years:

Year 1

(i) History of Building (Semester 1, 96-97) Grade - B

I remember attending this course and was taught something about how architects from the past strived to obtain as large an internal space as possible – from pyramids to modern churches. Using 20/20 hindsight, this class wasn’t too bad. One of few subjects I actually liked.

(ii) Building Technology (Semester 2, 96-97) Grade – C+

I recall shovelling gravel and sand into some mixer and making cement as part of the practical lessons. I also remember that I decided at that point that I am not going to spend the rest of my life shovelling shit like some workers from 3rd world nations. Explains my C+, huh?

(iii) Social Studies and Philosophy for Real Estate Professionals (Semester 2, 96-97) Grade - B+

What the hell is this course? Philosophy? Was this the course MP Amy Khor Neo taught me? I honestly can’t remember a single thing about this course. I also don’t know how the hell I got a B+. Sorry, Mdm Khor.

(iv) Surveying (Semester 2, 96-97) Grade C+

I remember walking around with a tripod and surveyor like a couple of Bangala workers surveying the contours of the land in NUS. Yep. Whole faculty didn’t give a shit. I think everyone got a C+ by default since nobody gave a flying F. Yet another crap course, courtesy of the faculty. Why do they bother?

(v) Built Environment (Semester 2, 96-97) Grade B+

Why is it that I never could recall subjects which I did well? What the hell is Built Environment about? Shit, I need to find my notes. I think this is a prelude to town planning module? Whatever, the B+ is most welcome in my galaxy of bad grades.

Year 2

(v) Property Valuation (Semester 1, 97-98) Grade C

This course sucks balls. I think property valuation was taught by some guy from Africa. Seriously. And I think he was teaching us using some archaic real estate valuation practices from the UK. Brilliant.

African lecturer + ancient UK valuation practices = C + undying hatred for NUS

(vii) Utility and Building Services (Semester 2, 97-98) Grade C +

Learning about air cons and electrical wiring. Such unbridled joy.

(vi) Measurement (Semester 2, 97-98) Grade C+

Ah yes, Measurement. The shittest course in the history of shitty courses. “Taking off” skills. Excavate top soil, REMFS, backfill, curtain walls, painting = UNNECESSARY BULLSHIT WHICH POLY GRADS CAN DO. This course is the reason why the whole faculty is crap. It is teaching skills which are redundant and that poly grads can do (probably better than us NUS dumbasses). What’s the point?

I asked a lecturer once why were we being taught the same skills set as a poly grad. He mumbled something, hee-hawed left and right, twiddled his fingers and finally said that NUS grads could focus on "management aspects" of construction instead. Talk about not answering the question, fucker.

(v) Management (Semester 2, 97-98) Grade B

I think this is the course which we were required to go over to Faculty of Business Administration. I also remember that this was an epic waste of time as we learned "out of the box" concepts of management (ha, ha). The only thing good about this course was that we got to eat at the BizAd canteen and oggle at the BizAd girls. Speaking of Biz Ad girls, I noticed they liked to do two things, namely (a) put their glasses on their hair when they are not using them; and (b) tie their sweater around their waists like a chastity belt when they are not wearing it. Odd. It makes them look like NASCAR drivers wearing armoured belt.

Speaking of food, there was this young idiot manning the western food stall at Biz Ad canteen. He would bellow at everyone at the line asking them what they want.

"You? Chicken Chop? And you? Fish?"

Despite sounding like he was in control and sibei on, he always ended up taking the wrong fucking orders from everyone. FUCKER. All of us ended up exchanging our plates later in order to get what we ordered.

"Wah lao, chicken becomes fish. Eh, who ordered fish ar? Fucker gave me fish for no reason."

"Ooh, me, me. Here's your chicken chop. Hey, nabei! This is also not dory fish fillet what?!"

My year 3 and 4 grades are pretty disgusting also. This rant stops here due to my overwhelming shame.

The Worst Movie of All Times - Skeleton Man

Hold the press and the champagne. I have finally discovered a movie that is possibly, the worst movie of all time. This is major news considering that I watched plenty of cinematic turkeys in my time. This is one movie which made me wanted to call the police because I felt strangely molested after watching it. In terms of flat-out stupidity and disjointed plot and transition, this movie takes the entire strawberry shit cake.

Welcome to the latest shit offering from Cinemax - "The Skeleton Man". In the US, it is also known as "Cotton Mouth Joe". Yeah, real scary (insert sarcasm here). I watched this "movie", and I used the word loosely as this is not so much a movie than an excruciating piece of celluloid designed to maim and harm all who watches it, last night and my sickness was instantly cured. Yeah, the movie was that potent.

Where do I start in explaining this movie? Well, maybe I would start by explaining the general storyline, or in this case, complete lack of it. Started off with two archaeologists messing around in a forest and then bam! . . . a figure walked out shakily through the fog with a sword. The monster is of course, skeleton man which looked like a guy wearing a really cheap skeletal mask from 7-11 (the kind you buy in dozens for Halloween or company's D&D for S$10) and get this, the monster is wearing a raincoat. Wow, scary. The idiot monster/spirit walked around in his cheap Singapore SAF poncho and tried to skewer the two sad archaeologists. Some bullshit chase started which ended up in some power factory (in the middle of the forests???!) and Skeleton Man basically stabbed every sucker there with his sword. Oh, joy. Maybe Skeleton Man is an environmentalist and works for SPCA. Ladies and Gentleman, I just found the lamest monster in the history of the horror movies universe.

Cut to the present. A group of special forces soldiers is assembled to find this lame monster in the forest (why bother?). They are supposed to disguise themselves as innocent trekkers. When I saw them on screen, I know they have a "small problem" with their disguises as innocent civilian trekkers. Their small problem is . . . . civilian trekkers don't walk around with M-16 and all sorts of sniper assault rifles strapped on their back, stupid. Worst disguise of all time.

Needless to say, our "heroes" are so stupid that they commit the worst mistake in B-Grade horror movies - i.e. THEY SPLIT UP. I mean, what's up with that? You are hunting a monster in the forest and the last thing they should do is to split up. Split up for what? WHY???

Female commando : Sir, I think I should go that way alone to track this monster. Yes, all alone and vulnerable.

Captain : Now, why the hell you want to go that way alone? Don't you know people who are spit up from the main group would be killed by the monster almost immediately?

Female commando : Dunno. Maybe because I am a stupid woman and enjoy being killed first?

So it goes on and on. Dumbass got seperated from the group and of course, got picked off first.

At this point, let me talked a bit about our friend, the Skeleton Man. Since skewering everyone at the power factory like mutton satays, our friend has somehow gotten himself a black horse. Don't ask me where the shit the live horse comes from. Skeleton Man also got himself a spear and a bow. Let me describe how a typical battle is conducted:

(a) Heroes looked around nervously as they hear a stupid horse trottling somewhere in the fog;

(b) Skeleton man and his horse walk out of the fog, waving his sword and spear like a dumbass.

(c) Heroes panicked and shoot wildly at Skeleton man and his horse.

(d) All of them missed and hit the trees instead. Let me repeat, ALL OF THEM MISSED DESPITE BRINGING ENOUGH MACHINE GUNS AND AMMO TO START WWIII. All the poor trees kena-ed from the bullets which somehow caused sparks (???!!) on impact.

(e) Not satisfied with hiting the trees, some heroes jumped in front of the horse for no particular reason. Really, no particular reason at all.

(f) Skeleton man impales the dumbass hero in front of him with a spear. Captain of heroes will yell, "Nooooo!!!!"

I am sure you get the point now.

Other What The Fuck (WTF) moments include the following:

(a) So this merry band of soldiers spent like 80% of the movie walking around in circles in the forest while this dumbass monster also kept riding around with a horse (maybe everyone is lost?), when this helicopter appeared in the sky. Skeleton Man took one look at the helicopter, reached into his pocket and . . . .

SHOT THE HELICOPTER DOWN WITH A WOODEN ARROW FROM HIS BOW!

HOLY SHIT! Rambo will be proud! My intelligence just got insulted. Got more stupid one or not?

(b) Our heroes, while walking around in the forest like dumbasses, stumbled upon a mystical, mumbling Indian. The Indian is obviously there as a shaman to try to warn the heroes against trespassing on holy Indian soil. Do you know what the creepy, Indian shaman wants before he started talking?

Beans.

Yeah, beans as in Heinze beans. He kept mumbling "Beans are good . . . you just hit them up and they are ready to go."

MUWAHAHAHAHAHA. What the Fish is going on? At this point, I suspect even the director and actors have no clude what they are doing.

(c) Group of special forces include an underwater demolition specialist. Why the fuck would you need an underwater demolition specialist when you are in a forest? WHY??!

When I finished watching this movie, I swear I almost crapped blood. Don't watch this movie, EVER.