Jackie Chan

Long before Jackie Chan starts jumping out of Visa boxes and annoys everyone no-end with his Olympic commercials which we all have to suck thumb and endure before every movie, there used to be a good actor somewhere inside Jackie Chan.

On behalf of humanity, I can say that we are thoroughly sick of Yao Ming and Jackie Chan. Oh yeah, Yao Ming's Houston Rockets got destroyed in the 2008 NBA finals again. Thank the fuck. I cannot imagine all the proud crowing from China we have to endure if Yao Ming managed to get himself a NBA championship ring. Thank god for Boston Celtics.

Back to Jackie Chan, yes, it is true. Jackie used to make good movies. When I say good movies, I don't mean the crapfest that is Rush Hour 1/2/3, Shanghai Noon/Knights and Around the World in 80 days and Rumble in the Bronx. Yes, I said it. I hate Rumble in the Bronx even though the late Anita Mui starred in it. Jackie Chan used to make really good movies when he was still trying to make a name for himself in Hong Kong.

I think 95% of the Asian population has the same sentiment as me towards Jackie Chan. We like him, or at least had great respect for him, when he was falling off buildings and crashing through windows in the 80's; and less so when he entered Hollywood and started being a clown. You just have to respect a person who did his own stunts and put his life on the line each and every movie.

Of all the stunts Jackie Chan pulled, I particularly remember the one when he fall off the clock tower in Project A. He was hanging off the minute hand of the clock while dangling perilously six+ storeys in the air. His fall was in slow motion and as his body approached the ground in an awkward angle, it looked like he was going to fall horribly on his neck. But at the last second, he managed to twist his head away. I must have watched that fall a hundred times, and each time I find myself talking a deep breath as Jackie Chan fall within an inch of his death.

That was the good old days. I was reminded of the good old Jackie Chan days when I was working on my laptop on a Saturday Night at 1 am when TCS 8 started showing "Armour of God II", one of Jackie Chan's old movies.

One thing you got to love about Jackie Chan. He always have the hottest movie actresses in his movies. ALWAYS. It has become a law of nature. Like the sun rises from the east and Yao Ming keep choking in NBA finals (sorry, can't resist) and NUS produces rubbish students, Jackie Chan is always accompanied by the most beautiful girls in his era.

I think this girl is from the Forbidden Kingdom. Supposedly the hottest actress in China now.

I think Jackie Chan starred with beautiful actresses from all around the world i.e. Spanish, French, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean and even Singaporean (Fann Wong).

When I saw Armour of God 2 in the wee hours of 2.30 am, I am instantly reminded of these two actresses. Shoko Ikeda from Japan and hot Eva Cobo from Spain.

I remember we guys have such a thing for Eva Cobo. We thought she was the best thing since sliced bread.

Sadly, Jackie Chan's movies are only good for watching the eye-candy nowadays.

Antony and Cleopatra

Antony and Cleopatra is a book by McCullough. The reasons why I bought the book in New Delhi were as follows:

(a) Books are cheap in India. A new book is only around S$10 where in places like Borders in Singapore, you get fleeced S$25+. Ouch-a-rama.

(b) I read the previous book by McCullough named "Song of Troy". The book is about the Trojan War and it was brilliant. The action never let up and her description of the Trojan war was so good that you could easily imagine the swirl of dust and the thundering sounds of battle.

(c) The back cover of the book is filled with praises. Daily Mail said "it piles on the drama".

God, the book sucks. I know I am in trouble when I reach page 20+. It is so boring I ended up clipping my toenail just to avoid reading it further. The first few chapters are all about Antony moving to the East to collect money for his coming war against Octavius and Cleopatra bitching about her life. It is like reading a company's year end account. Snnoooooozzzzze. Absolutely nothing happens. And I have 560 pages more to go.

And the language is too modern for an epic set in the 40 BC. I shall read the following paragraph:

"Pah!" spat Antony. "Where's Plancus?"
" Here, Antonius!" said Plancus, going to embrace Libo. "Isn't this nice?"
Very nice, though Antony sourly. Four servings of syrup.

Syrup? I have no idea how and where syrup suddenly comes into the picture. Antony might as well ask for mee rebus with extra lemon. Why did Antony suddenly want four servings of syrup?

Check out another paragraph:

(From Drusilla to Octavius) - "I am straying in the Elysian Fields," she said, allowing him to guide her. "So much trouble and expense on my behalf? Caesar, I looked at you and loved you, but now that I know that everyday that I am with you will see me love you more."

BARF. I am clipping my toenails again.

I pronunce this book unreadable

Ok, I give up. I pronounce this book by Colleen McCullough unreadable. It is a rare occasion that I could not sit through a book I bought with cold hard cash. The last time this happened, I was trying to deipher the literary gibberish that is J R R Tolkein's The Simarillion.

For those unfamiliar with "The Simarillion", it is a book from J R R Tolkein,the same guy that gave us the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. The Simarillion described the world of Middle-Earth,its history and how the dark wars came about.

It is practically unreadable.

For one thing, this is a bible in disguise.

How God created the world (aka middle earth) - checked

How one of the angels abandoned the heavenly host and came to Earth to wreak havoc (aka Morgoth) - checked

How brothers kill brothers, kin slay kin (aka elves in search for the simmarillion) - checked

Let me read a paragraph from the Simmarillion.

"And Iluvatar spoke to Ulmo,and said: "Seest thou now how here in this little realm in the Deeps of Time Melkor hath made war upon thy province? He hath bethough him of bitter cold immoderate, and yet hath not destroyed the beauty of the fountains, nor of they clear pools."

My first reaction was : Say what, bitch?!!

What is the meaning of "bethought" and "bitter cold immoderate"? This dumbass was making words as he went along. Aaaargh. Archaic language is one thing, invented words are not.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Colleen McCullough's book. Will get to it tomorrow. Now I must bethought sleep so that I would not have exhaustion immoderate tomorrow which in turn would lead to painicillius and coffee theorem.

Non-Seizable Offence

I just realised in Singapore; if you scratched a car, you could be arrested for vandalism on the spot; but if you punched someone, you can actually walk away. Seemingly insane but the distinction lies in seizable and non-seizable offences. Punching someone is a non-seizable offence i.e. the police cannot investigate and arrest unless the Magistrate directs the police to do so. There have been lots of articles written on it apparently where public members like me are baffled as to why the police don't do anything when they turn up but just give you a form to fill in. The underlying fear is that people will complain for the smallest and most trivial of things i.e. drunk fighting or getting his foot stamped on. In other words, if you are hit by someone and you want the police to take action, you should "hope" to lose a limb, get a fracture or well, be castrated. Really, castration is actually a criteria.

Now, I understand why Frank Castle becomes the Punisher or Bruce Wayne becomes the Dark Knight. Sometimes, the law just does not protect. Let's see whether the law could run its course. Somehow, I doubt it. Unless Batman runs the Singapore Police Force, it is probably a lost cause.

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Maid in Manhattan

If you watched Maid in Manhattan, Jennifer Lopez was working in the "Beresford" which is actually the Waldorf Astoria where I stayed when I was in New York.

So when I watched the silly romantic movie on HBO today, I recalled my stay. In the movie, J-lo was surrounded by a clique of wise-cracking women who went about their duties cleaning the rooms.

Let me just say that the service staff at all these hotels are without doubt, either blacks who can't speak proper English because they are from Jaimaca or they are Mexicans. Everybody looked disgruntled. You can tell that they are waiting for an opportunity to run you over with their cleaning trolley and strangle you with a spare towel. Just as the dirty service industry in Singapore is supported by mainland Chinee, Filippinos or Thais, the US' economy runs on the sweat of immigrants like the Mexicans. There is no joy cleaning someone's mess, no matter what the school tells you.