My Singapore's First Day Rountine - Part 3

I couldn't complete my 1st day routine in Singapore anymore because some wise guys shut down Empress. Yes, Empress in Clementi. "So, which losers will go to that place to watch a movie?", I hear you ask. Ahem . . . me.

I love Empress in Clementi. It is "old school" cinema. It has none of the fancy-shmancy high tech cinematic facilities. No nice computer tickets, no PC screen for you to choose your seat and no nice sofa seats. At Empress, you get an old lady showing you a paper map of the cinema seatings, crossing out your seat in red ink, and then proceed to tear out a ticket from a grubby ticket booklet and throw it to you. Service so good that it brings a tear to my eyes. Holding your grubby ticket, you then walk up a dimly lited staircase into the cinema theatre itself bypassing the toilets. The gents actually gives you a nice view overlooking the road outside.

But the greatest thing is that you don't even need to book a seat really. Because nobody goes there. You get the usual losers with no dates (like me), some NUS students trying to watch a movie before going back to their hostel or Fong Sen for supper and the usual ah bengs and ah lians from next door arcade. The place is literally empty and I get to seat anywhere I want. I even prop my legs over the front seat and munch on popcorn chicken purchased from the KFC next door. You don't have to awkwardly walk your ass through the entire row of patrons if you feel like going to the toilet. You want to go, just go.

I have so many nice memories there. I watched tons of movies, the most enjoyable being the Matrix, Shaolin Soccer and Kungfu. I was there during the busiest night in Empress' history - during the opening night in 1999 of "A Man called Hero" starring Ekin Cheng. The cinema was packed and the queue stretched from the 2nd storey, snaked down the staircase and to KFC. Everyone looked happy and excited. Ah bengs were excitedly telling their ah lian girlfriends as to how awesome was the Hero character in the comic book. The old ladies were quite stretched trying to deal with so many patrons. The excitement and anticipation in the air was so thick you can cut it with a knife.

Of course, the movie turned out to be one of the greatest movie shitfest from Hongkong. Bizarre plot, minimal story telling, disjointed scenes and characters who came in and out of the movie as if they were confused porn stars.

Nice poster. Crap movie. Many ah bengs walked out of the cinema theatre shaking their heads and then spent the next hour at KFC trying to explain to their ah lian girlfriends that the movie sucks ass and they should have stay at the arcade and play para para dance. What an end to a historic summer night in Empress in 1999.

The same could be said of Star Wars Episode 1. I was at Empress when my friend and I sat down eagerly to watch the most anticipated movie of all time. Oooh, Anakin Skywalker before he was Darth Vader! We actually started clapping when the trademark Star Wars storytelling began, " A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . . ".

And then the movie lurched from cartoon disaster to cartoon disaster until I felt like gouging my eyeballs out at this apocalyptic disaster of a movie. The kids were entertained by all of Lucas' computer characters. We men, however, were not amused. A little piece of my soul died that night. We spent the next hour at KFC discussing the utter depth of ineptitude of the movie and tried to drown our sorrows with ice lemon tea and chicken wings.

So many memories at Empress. I shouldn't dwell on the bad ones. It has been just an integral part of my life. Where would me, the ah bengs and the NUS students go now?

.

My Singapore's 1st Day routine - Part 2

Where was I? Oh yes, National University of Singapore aka Dante's 7th circle of Hell where talentless lecturers who pretend to teach, posers and dumbasses go after they died.

I was saying that I always first watch a movie at Clementi Empress before driving around to NUS at night to (a) reminisce about the bad memories of my days in NUS, (b) shake a fist in anger at my faculty and of course, (c) cruise and look at hotties waiting for Bus 96 at the Central Library bus stop. Sorry, did I hear someone say it is creepy for CO to drive around at night to look at girls? YOU BET YOUR LAST LV BAG FROM EBAY! OF COURSE, I AM GOING TO DRIVE AROUND LIKE A CREEP. I spent half my life being jealous of all those poser NUS guys who managed to get a girl simply because they have a car, courtesy of their rich dads. NUS girls between 18 t0 22 are suckers for guys with rides. They have this fantasy that guys with cars are cool and independent - and are thus more than willing to ignore the inconvenient fact that their rides are given to them by their dads. Guys with cars are the most popular thing with NUS girls since LV bags. So I came to two conclusions a long time ago, namely:

(a) I must buy a car when I saved up enough money after paying off my NUS study loan which costs an arm and a leg while balancing my dad's monthly medical expenses; and

(b) almost all NUS girls are cheap whores and hypocritical bitches (I want a guy who is sensitive and understand me! Yeah yeah. Hey look, a BMW!). NUS girls are proud, BS specialist and expert liars. I thought we guys are BS kings or liars but these girls can whoop our asses anyday. A good friend's girlfriend once told me proudly that she will dump my friend if she ever see another girl in the passenger seat in my good friend's car. Well, if any girl tells me that, I will ask her to sit in the trunk cos no bitches are going to tell me what to do with my own ride even before we are married. HO!

If only I have a car during my time at NUS, ANY car such as a simple Toyota Crown or Honda Civic, and preferably a rich dad to back me up, I will have pussies and whores lining up to blow me everyday. But I didn't have money for a car. Nor did thousands of ordinary guys around me who could only stand helplessly like idiots and watch girls happily got into the cars of their useless, posing and abusive boyfriends. We were poor, stupid and the closest we get to driving a car was at the arcade playing Daytona USA. So now I got a car, what do you expect me to do? Wash it diligently everyday and park it at the carpark? No f_kng way. Every opportunity I get is going to spend cruising around looking at hotties at NUS. Girls don't wear ankle-high boots and short tennis skirts to school everyday because the weather is too hot or cold, you know.

The last time I cruise around NUS was in August. Man, there were posers everywhere. Maybe it was because NUS was in the full bloom of orientation and something called matriculation. What is orientation and matriculation, you ask? It is some dumbass' idea to introduce newbies to the culture of posing at NUS through a series of bo-liao activities like the "Matric Maze". Each faculty will also parade a float made up of useless materials and even more worthless slogans like "We are One". I was at my old faculty and I noticed this group of dumbasses guarding a float. Yes, GUARDING a float from other faculties' attempt to sabotage it. Juvenile and laughable. I honked my car a few times to scare them before driving away laughing.

Having a car is great. It is time to do those things which were denied to me years ago. It is my time to try to be a poser and cheat gullible NUS girls. FINALLY.

What is worse than being an NUS grad?

IS THAT YOU ARE A LIFE SCIENCE GRADUATE FROM NUS.

MUWAHAHAHAHA.

I thought all the while that my bachelor degree was the most useless piece of paper from NUS. It would be more useful getting a clown degree from the McDonalds Clown College for Laughs. My degree is so useless that I made it a point to boycott my own convocation ceremony. NUS calls it "a commencement ceremony" now but it is the same bullshit burger topped with extra TOOTB sauce with a fancy name (reminds me of McDonald's bullshit samurai burger). What exactly are we celebrating commencement for? Commencing on your horrible working life filled with low pay, workplace bullies, posers and back/frontstabbers? Save it. I rather spend my commencement drinking beer.

So imagine my awe when I heard that Life Sciences graduates are faring worse. Not only are there no jobs for them, but any starting pay for these graduates is horrendously low - low like child labour working in a Nike sweatshop in Nigeria. You see, these graduates who jumped onto the Life Sciences bandwagon four years ago (remember all the hoo-haa about the Biopolis and bio-medical science?) just realised that it is not enough getting a bachelor degree. Without a PhD, most of Singapore’s life sciences graduates are only qualified to work as research assistants. And both life sciences graduates and diploma holders from polytechnics are vying for these same positions that could pay less than $2,000 a month. Yup, graduates fighting with diploma holders for the same jobs. Guess who the companies are going to hire? No need to think out of the box (TOOTB) here!

In reality, these graduates have no one but themselves to blame. In 2002, when Singapore universities had barely begun producing their own life sciences graduates, Mr Philip Yeo, chairman of the Agency for Science, Technology and Research (A*Star), famously rattled those undergraduates when he said that they would only be qualified to wash test tubes. WASH TEST TUBES LEH! MUWAHWAHA. But subsequent generations ignored his advice and still decided to jump on the life sciences craze and signed up for a 4-year "cool" degree. Oooh, I am going to work in the biomedical hub, how cool can it be! CO must agree that washing test tubes and testing bunsen burners must be damn cool.

Read the below excerpt to see what the first batch of life sciences graduates is doing. I took the liberty of highlighting all the wacky jobs which these graduates are now doing since they can't find relevant jobs:

Many from the first cohort have ended up in junior research positions or manufacturing and sales jobs in the industry - positions that do not require a life sciences degree. Others find themselves completely out of the field. Said Edmund Lim, 27, who graduated two years ago, and now works as a property agent: “One of my classmates is working illegally in Australia, peddling psychotropic drugs to clubbers. Many of my classmates have gone into teaching. Others are in pharmaceutical or equipment sales.”Another life sciences graduate, who declined to be named, found a job recently at a tuition centre, after failing to land research-related positions for over a year despite numerous job applications.

End up selling illegal drugs to clubbers in Australia? Holy shit! Thinking out of the Box right there!

Sounds familiar? Of course, this is what happened to me and to almost everyone in my miserable cohort of posers and idiots. Only like 10% (my very optimistic estimate) are still struggling in the very industry which we are supposed to join with our "esteemed" degree. The rest of us are somewhere in completely UNRELATED jobs compared to what we studied. Most girls already given up the fight to become full time housewives. I can't say I blame them.

Sure, we should look into the mirror and blame ourselves for signing up in worthless degree programme. Nobody pointed a gun at us. But we were young, and young people are stupid. Someone should have given us proper advice when we needed it the most. Who's to blame for this debacle? Who can we blame for cheating our money and youth? Who can we blame for producing thousands of useless graduates with worthless skills? Who force batches after batches of students into completely unrelated jobs such as real estate agents, car salesmen, insurance agents, tuition teachers and now illegal drug peddlars? Why, none other than good, old NUS of course! Yee-Haw!

Don't believe me? Think I am too harsh? Just read what the NUS Dean of Science has to say about the oversupply of life sciences graduates:

Professor Tan Eng Chye, NUS’ Dean of Science - who believes that it could take another five years for the industry to establish itself - acknowledged that his school’s intake of life sciences undergraduates was “a bit too high”.“When we started offering a major in life sciences in 2001, 550 students took up the programme. For the subsequent intakes, the number stabilised at about 450. But we would be more comfortable with about a hundred less,” said Prof Tan, who added that many students were “unrealistic” about their job prospects.Said Prof Tan: “A lot of students were probably all hyped up to look for R&D jobs. And when they can’t get such jobs, they could be disappointed. If they want to do research, they should further their studies.”

TRANSLATION : YOU JUST GOT F-CKD BECAUSE WE ARE NEGLIGENT IN OUR PROFESSIONAL DUTIES AND OVERESTIMATED THE INDUSTRY'S DEMAND. SORRY LAH. STUDY SOME MORE?

The Dean actually has the audacity to advise students to "further their studies" so that they can try to get a PHD. AWESOME!!!! It is not enough to cheat a student out of four years of their youth and precious money. They want to suck them drier! Bastards and vampires. Satan would be so pleased that he would get an instant erection when he sees the depth of evil and professional negligence at NUS.

I fear for Singapore's economy as long as NUS is still around. God knows how many useless graduates it is churning out every year. I think we have more than enough tuition teachers and insurance agents already. Hell, we even got one working illegally in Australia selling drugs to clubbers.

My Singapore's first day routine - Part 1

I actually wrote this in September but never got around to posting it up.

Whenever I go back to Singapore, I have a set routine on the first day. I usually arrive at 4 pm at Changi airport. I meet my dad at the arrival. At the airport carpark, I will then hug my neglected Miss Toyota Corolla Altis and pat its bonnet a little for being a nice car. Upon driving home (while mentally telling myself that I must drive on the left in Singapore and not right like Laos and cussing idiots that drive way past the speed limit), I then sit down with my parents. We watch TCS shows at about 5.15 pm - it doesn't matter what spastic or slapstick drama they got on TV at that time. It can be Holland V or it can be some Taiwanese sob dramas. I then go to jog a bit at West Coast Park at about 6pm, then come home at 7 pm and sit down with my parents and eat whatever food my mother put in front of me. My god, I miss the soups. First day dinner is always steamed snow fish and broiled lotus soup. I then go to watch a movie at Empress Cineplex (at Clementi Ave 3) alone at about 9 pm. Again, it doesn't really matter what movie. Hell, I will sit through a crappy Thai horror movie if need be. I just want to sit in the dark and watch a movie with all the proper surround sounds.

After the movie, I then drive around to the worst education institution in Singapore - Satan's armpit where it imparts no useful skills and produces dumbasses and slackers by the truckloads aka National University of Singapore (NUS). Defamation? Please. It is not defamation if it is true. Paris Hilton and her poser friends will be so comfortable in NUS - posers capital of the world. It teaches NOTHING and only posers have a good time there. Jam and Hop? God, kill me. 21st birthday parties at some rich classmates' pool side in a condominium? Ouch. Valentine's Day dedication at Central Library's foyer? Look out, Zombies alert! Just look at everyone from my batch. Everyone including me is useless and has no applicable useful skills in society. If the economy collapses tomorrow, most guys like me will be karang gunis asking for old newspapers and TV/radios.

Karang - Guni!
Jiu Bo Zhua, Radio, Dian Xi Ki!

Girls of course will be selling insurances. If they have not already given up the battle to do something useful with their lives and not gotten fat and married.

So, I usually drive around NUS at night, park my car at lecturers' parking lots (just to spite those dumbasses who waste my time and can't teach to save their lives), laugh at all those students still studying late at night. What's the point, all you stupid geeks and nerds? The whole world outside is run by posers and dumbasses. You get on top by being pretty and profiling yourself, not how well you can regurgitate the right-hand rule for magnetic current (I still don't know what shit is this) or the different ways of assessing the value of real estate in f_kng London (HTF is this applicable in Singapore?). If you are not in medicine and law, nothing those NUS lecturers teach you is even remotely applicable. A 1st class and 2nd upper class honors have as much use as a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest. HA HA HA HA HA. What an epic waste of four years of youth.

More to follow.

Things everyone hears once in their life and wishes to kill the speaker with a fork Part 1

I always wanted to start a series called "Things everyone hears once in their life and wishes to kill the speaker with a fork". It is a reminder to me as to what sort of dumbasses walk among us nowadays. It is also a reminder to me that if one day, I should say the same thing to friends or colleagues; I had became a dumbass and should kill myself quietly. How could I kill myself quietly and painfully? Well, I shall read Ann Rice's Vampires chronicles till I die of stupid overload. Ann Rice's books suck ass; and so does the vampire Lestat. Boo - hoo, I am a vampire who loves his mummy. I shall write a poem - So darken are the days which thee could not continue or see the glorious rays of the dawn. Ann Rice + Vampire Lestat = Pussy. You are a vampire, stop whining and deal with it.

The first thing which everyone hears once in their life and wishes to kill the speaker with a fork is the following phrase:



"Think out of the box" aka TOOTB



We all hear this at least once in our lives. Teachers, lecturers, HR gurus, bosses and seniors who think they know the shit tell us to think out of the box (TOOTB). They say the phrase TOOTB as if it is some divine and holy wisdom passed down through the ages. I suspect these dumbasses get an orgasm everytime they say this BS mantra which is why they keep repeating it ad nauseum.

How did this BS get started? I suspect someone climbed a mountain and saw this Indian holy man (with white beard) living in a dirty card box at the top and asked him:

Dumbass : Oh dirty Indian Holy Man who is picking his nose! What is the meaning of life?

Indian Holy Man : Hmm. Let me get out of this card box first and think.

Dumbass : Think? Think out of the box? Why didn't I think of it? Thank you, Holy Man!

Indian Holy Man : (What a dumbass).

Have you play this game before? I have been to some HR seminars in which the HR guru asked us to connect all 9 dots within a few pencil strokes. When we couldn't do it, the HR guru started grinning like American sailor in a Thai hookers' bar in Patpong. He then triumphantly told us that we couldn't do it because we were not thinking outside the box! We can connect the dots by either:

(a) Tearing the paper up and connect the dots by placing them side by side; or
(b) Draw the pencil stroke outside the imaginary boundary which the dots formed

(BS solutions. Do us a favour - stop wasting our time).

He then asked us to apply the lessons to our work and told us to TOOTB. Really? What does connecting dots with lines have to do with actual work in REAL LIFE like Increasing sales, writing papers, selling cars, crunching data, cooking horfun for hungry customers etc etc? Nothing. TOOTB is just a BS HR term for thinking creatively. The next time someone asks you to think out of the box, look him in the eyes and say:

"What Box?"

And then stab him with a fork. When he asked why did you just stab him, just say:

"I WAS THINKING OUT OF THE BOX AND REALISED THAT STABBING YOU WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER".