My Bangkok's Routine - Movies

I am currently writing this in an internet cafe outside Ambassador's Hotel in Bangkok. I go to Bangkok about once every two months just to "soak in the civilisation". Walking the streets, see throngs of people in all their clothes, sample food of all international cuisines, witness the legions of beggars and prostitutes along Sukhomwit Road and all its small lanes and of course, watching movies. Yay.


I already said I like movies. It is so cheap going to the movies in Bangkok. It is about 120 baht (S$5.50) and you get a really wonderful seat with great leg space. Armrests are wide and comfy. Theatres are modern and in many cases, even more sophisticated than Singapore's. There are just two drawbacks. One, you are obliged to stand and pay respect to the royal anthemn which will be played before every movie. Even foreigners; so don't try to pretend to ignore the anthemn. Second, movies rarely start on time. The Thais love bombarding the audience with enough commericals to make a marketing executive weep in joy. They also like dishing out lots of movie previews which isn't too bad. I saw previews for 300 and Spiderman 3.


The reason why I am writing this enty around midnight is that I just watched three movies within 2 days and felt that I would be remiss in my duty if I do not warn the world. I watched the Banquet, the Prestige and Monster House.


I will keep this simple. Watch the Banquet only if you feel like committing suicide by headbutting the cinema wall repeatedly till you bleed to death. Because that is exactly how you feel just 10 minutes into the movie.






This is the 2nd worst big budget production from China. The worst Chinese movie is the recent movie called "The Promise" which is so bad I am not going to talk about it tonight lest I get nightmares. The Promise is so frighteningly and awesomely bad it make the Ring look like happy comedy and Ju-On/the Grudge resemble a romantic story.

The Banquet costs China millions and millions of dollars to produce and starred Zhang Ziyi, their national and most recognisable treasure since the Great Wall. Before producing the movie. Chinese director Feng Xiaogan must have had the following creative meeting with his staff:

Feng : Right, we just cheated and swindled millions of money from the Chinese Government to make another pointless movie with no plot, corny dialogue and self-indulgent costume play from the Tang Dynasty. Yay! What should we do to make the movie sell?

Smartass 1 : Uh . . . . . Cast Gong Li because she can act?

Feng : Please, Gong Li is fat. We will cast Zhang Ziyi instead since she acts in anything that will increase her standing in Hollywood such as Memoirs of a F-kng Geisha in which she just walked around slowly, smiled inanely a lot and bumped into things. Not to mention have a fetish for way older man.

Dumbass 1 : That's brilliant boss! (Massive bootlicking ensues). How about we use the opportunity to constantly zoom the camera at Zhang Ziyi's breasts, even though she has no breasts, as well as her butt, even though she has ugly, bony butt?

Feng : OMG. What an orgasmic idea! Featuring Zhang Ziyi half-naked and constantly zooming on her flat breasts and bony ass is totally going to sell! I agree!

Smartass 1 : (Hand waving in the air!) Boss! Boss! Wouldn't that turn the audience off ?

Feng : What do you know? Keep quiet. Anything with Zhang Ziyi will sell. A movie with half-naked Zhang Ziyi will sell twice harder. Heh Heh. Just look at Memoirs of Geisha. Everyone says they like it even though it is plainly crap simply because of the presence of ZZY. You know what's even better? Make the movie 2 hours long, with rambling dialogue, zero plot and constantly making Zhang Ziyi appear naked or dress in all sorts of crazy costumes with Thai prostitute-like make up. YEAH!!!!

That, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Banquet was decided and made. The movie is supposedly 2 hours long. Trust me, it felt like 2 days. Without food and water. And sharks circling around you. There is supposed to be a plot somewhere in the movie. Something about a prince trying to avenge the death of his father who married his son's maid who is now the prince's stepmother and couldn't decide whether to like the murderer of her husband, the prince or just usurped the throne for herself. Confused? It got much worse. Every segment in the movie is filled with meaningless scenes and the worst dialogue in the movie history. And they keep zooming up Zhang Ziyi's breasts and ass as if she is Pamela Anderson. The whole Thai audience is mystified. Why bother? If I want to see skiny ass, I would have stayed home and look at mine. I have also heard better dialogue in a cheap porn movie. Check out this "gem" of a typical dialogue in the Banquet:

Usurper Emperor (after he discovered ZZY is trying to poison him) : But I thought I am warming your heart?

Empress ZZY : My heart is already heated to the point of melting.

WHAT SORT OF CRAZY DIALOGUE IS THIS SHIT? Warming up my heart? Multiply this sort of self-indulgent dialogue for two hours and you get the idea why I feel like throwing up just 30 minutes into the movie. I walked into the theatre happy and energetic and emerged two hours later as if I am 100 hundreds old and feeling impotent.

Don't watch the Banquet. Drink rat poison if you girlfriend or boyfriend wanted to bring you to watch. Death is preferable and faster.