Movie that almost killed me - SS Doomtrooper

I was deathly sick for a few days. I suspect that it is because I played 27 holes of golf under the blazing sun on Saturday and then thought that it was a good idea to go jogging in the gym after golf. The sudden change of temperature from the scorching sun to the gym's air-con environment probably shut down my body's immune system for good. I like to think that my body's immune system is pretty tough; afterall it is successful in withstanding Lao food for almost 4 years. But when it comes to simple temperature change, my body suddenly turns into a pussy.


During the last four days, I went through the usual fever, cold and now, viscious cough cycle which I guess everyone is probably familiar with. My friend is kind enough to buy two PS2 games for me to play while I struggle with the virus. Which is awesome of him. He also called me to watch a sci-fi horror movie on TV, knowing that I like to watch such cheap budget movies. Which is EVIL of him since watching the movie almost killed me since it is so awesomely bad.


This sci-fi movie that you can catch on HBO (no less) is called SS Doomtrooper. Now, I don't know why HBO has degenerated itself to the level that it has to show low budget sci-fi movies especially during its 8pm prime time slot. But lo and behold, I switched on HBO and immediately had to digest this incredible shit sandwich know as SS Doomtrooper.








The story line cannot get simpler (or sillier) than this. During WWII, the US and Nazis pursued nuclear technology. The US tried to make a nuclear bomb. The Nazis tried to create a super hulk-like monster who drools, scratches his armpits and grunts around a lot. God knows, why the Nazis even bother. No wonder Hitler committed suicide. Anyway, according to the universally accepted cheap sci-fi movie logic, monster got out of control and an international team of soldiers (led by an American of course) had to find a way to kill the Nazi monster and all the Nazis in their way.

The whole movie is in a mess. All the lead characters are idiots. When you run across a 10 foot blue monster built like a panzer tank, what do you do? Most people like you and me just run for it. These so called heroes, French resistance fighters and Nazis (all idiots by the way, regardless of nationalities) just stood there and fire their puny WWII guns, fire, fire, fire and watch as bullets after bullets ricochet off the monster's armour and kept yelling, "it cannot be killed! Help!" No shit, Sherlock. And they do this like 5 times. You would think that all these genuises get the general idea after the 1st battle that oh, I don't know . . . THAT BULLETS DON'T WORK SO QUIT FIRING AT THAT MONSTER AND JUST RUN?!!

And the monster looks so silly - like some blue monkey in an helmet. It looks like it will dance happily if you offer it a banana. And it walks around, electrocuting people into dust. No style at all. My own nieces can draw scarier monkeys than that. If this story is real, Hitler would have just surrendered immediately if he saw that his scientists created a blue monkey out of state funds.

Nazi scientists : Hail Hitler!

Hitler : So, my obedient scientists of the Third Reich, children of the Aryan Nation. What super soldier have you created for me which would help me win the war against the sinners and the evil alliance of the US and Britain?

Nazi scientists : Oh great leader! I give you the Nazi SS Doomtrooper!

SS Doomtrooper : Oook! Ook!

Hitler : . . . . . . .

SS Doomtrooper : Ook?

Hitler : It is a monkey.

Nazi Scientists : Yes, great leader.

Hitler : It is a blue monkey.

Nazi Scientists : Yes, the blue colour is due to radiation from the nuclear rays. We are hoping that it will be pink.

Hitler : It is a blue monkey that wears a helmet and goes "ook".

SS Doomtrooper : Ook.

Hitler : Someone gets me a banana.

I didn't even stick around to see the ending. Since the whole movie involves bad actors running around shooting bullets at an indestructible blue monkey in helmet who looks quite bemused, I think it is pretty safe to say that this is not an Oscar quality movie. Not to mention that there are no hot girls around for the blue monkey to stomp. At least the three headed dog in Cerebus got to kill some hot Romanian girls. They should call this movie SS Blue Monkey Trooper instead.

More on schools

When I walked around in LB University, I noticed that there were large wooden crates with padlocks lying outside the communal kitchen where the student cook their meals. The dozen or so mysterious crates were standing around like those monoliths in Space Odyssey 2001. Here's one. 5 points if you can guess what the crates are used for.

I thought hilarously to myself that these crates could be storage for live chickens. I asked the people there what were the crates for. They told me that since there are no refrigerators, the crates are to store leftover food which the students have cooked but could not finish. Yikes. Imagine the smell. I opened a crate and lo and behold, was instantly assaulted by a deadly odour emanating from pots of unnamed stew which were fermenting along nicely. Talk about a potential biological weapon of mass destruction. Thankfully, I was on an empty stomach and made of nerves of steel. I pointed to a pot filled with strange dark meat and asked what in the name of god was that. My guide told me that that was "cow womb's soup". Holy shit. Pass.

I also have the chance to visit a secondary school. Since a visitor was in town, the principal of the school for some god unknown reasons, ordered every student to stand at the corridor to show respect. I kept telling the guy that it would be good if we don't bother the students and just let them study in peace. But nooo, he insisted. So we ended up with a student stationed every 3 steps at every pillar greeting us visitors respectfully. I mean, a bit kua zhan (exaggerated) right? When I was studying in primary school in S'pore, I never had to do this sort of extreme respect shit.

One of the most common questions I get from Singaporeans is that what uniform does the normal Lao primary / secondary school student wear. Well, the above pic is a good illustration. Girls have to wear the traditional skirt known as the sinh. I actually like it as it make the girls look elegant and demure. Yeah, I am a chauvinist. Tough beans.

Here is a picture of the students. Students who are wearing blue rather than the traditional white belong to the Lao Revolutionary Youth Union - something like our PAP Youth Wing (except even younger). These are supposed to be model students with good grades and an exemplary record in community services. They are laughing and giggling at us for some reasons. Maybe we looked funny or it could be my zip was undone.

Visit to Luang Prabang University

I had the opportunity to visit the Luang Prabang University some weeks ago. Luang Prabang is in northern Laos, about 400 km away from the capital. It is a UNESCO World Heritage site and used to be the royal capital of the country i.e. the king used to stay here before the revolution in 1975. The place is dotted with monks and temples and is a favourite spot for backpackers due to the scenic view. I have been to LB for about 8-9 times so seriously, I am already pretty jaded about the place. Still, this is the first time I am going to the LB University which is a school and home to more than 2500 students which hailed from all the northern provinces of Laos.

Now of course, we shouldn't expect the university to be on the same level as NUS or NTU. By the way, when we think of NUS, what do we think of? Besides the general suckiness of the idiot lecturers and poser students, and also the fact the Engineering canteen is always swamped by Chinese students who bought enough Yong Tau Foo to feed his village of course. We think of the following in relation to NUS:

(a) nice spanking campus and pristine, white marbled halls

(b) awesome arts canteen with beef horfun and chicken chop. Even McDonalds.

(c) state of the art libraries with enough capacity to host an army of scholars

(d) high tech computer labs with PCs all linked to internet via broad band = easy access to porn

(e) spacious studying facilities such as YIH at NUS

(f) enough recreational facilities to make everybody happy. Tennis / squash / badmintion / arcade games - you name it, NUS has it.

(g) Opulent ceremonial hall which nobody use, except twice a year for graduation ceremonies and hosting PM's rally speech

(h) comfy lecture theatres with backdoors which latecomers can sneak in through

Not really nice and spanking with marbled halls, is it?

Not exactly like our lecture theatres.

This is a domitory. Which doesn't look half bad when compared to say, Eusoff Hall, until you see the interior.



In the dormitory, there are two rows of six wooden doubledecker beds making it 24 students in one room. Talk about privacy.

And the kitchen. There are no canteen selling beef horfun or Fong Seng around the place of course. The students also could not afford to eat out anyway. Thus many students form their own groups and do communal cooking to save money. Below is a pic of the university's kitchen.

This group of students was cooking some odd stew in the pot when I walked in. I must say you would never see such stuff in Singapore. Most NUS-lites would just walk to Fong Seng to have a cheese murtabak. I have a Japanese friend who actually studied the Lao language in such conditions for a year. All in all, although the study environment at the LB university is not exactly ideal when compared to NUS, at least no one grows up to be a poser and pussy here.

Just want to say two things

First thing : Mad Ali lives. I finally saw him last night walking about outside my office at 8 pm carrying a plastic bag of rice. He looked dirtier and more scruffy than usual - as if he got into a fight with a bunch of orcs and barely managed to win. What is disturbing is that he was actually trying to wave and talk to passing cars. When I drive past, he actually gestured at my car as if trying to make friendly conversation:

Mad Ali : Hey, Toyota!

Toyota Corolla : You are still walking around? I thought you were dead!

Mad Ali : E=MC2!

Toyota Corolla : Uh . . . right. Why are you carrying a bag of rice in your hand?

Mad Ali : Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country!

Toyota Corolla : Hmm. . . wise words. Got to go.

Mad Ali : LV sucks!

Toyota Corolla : Thanks.

Second thing : I am still busy. So there.

People I met in this region - Mad Ali

There is someone I always wanted to write about. You see, one of the first people I met when I came to this country some years ago was this mad person who walked up and down the road outside my office.

You would appreciate that it is not very nice to take picture of a dishevelled mad person so in order to visualise him, you would need to exercise some powers of imagination here. Let me describe him.

He is about 1.75 metre and is of either Indian / Pakistani / Middle-Eastern descent. He has dark olive skin. Like all mad persons roaming around the town, he has no shoes and has messy greyish hair. He looks to be about 45+ years old and he is wearing the same old dirty brown shirt and trousers for the last 4 years since I saw him. He has a short beard growing. I am not being racist here but I have taken to calling him Ali since he is obviously a muslim (explain later).

His hair is of course, overgrown like the grass in my garden but strangely enough, he seems to cut it every now and then. Either that or some kind barber cuts it for him monthly. Even his beard is trimmed at times. He is slim to the point of being gaunt but he never appears to be starving. At times though, he looked like a shrivelled raisin from a distance.

Where Ali comes from is a mystery. I asked the locals before and they all said that Ali just appeared one day. What he does everyday however, is not a mystery. He walks. And walks. And walks some more. I suspects he has a set route he must walk each day. He seems to start somewhere in the vicinity of a temple near my office at about 7 am and walks down the road to the Khuadin market and back. The whole route is about 10 km and he does the circuit several times a day. He typically finishes his "work" at about 7 pm when I drive home from the office. There are times however when he has to walk overtime. I once saw him walking resolutely even at 10 pm.

Now you may think that walking 10 km a day several times is actually no big deal. But Ali obviously has a problem with his leg. He limps as he walks so the whole process looks pretty painful even to me. At times, he does more than just walk. On Sunday, Ali will walk a few steps and then goes on one knee and raises his hands in an act of supplication as if he is praying (thus the muslim reference). Walk a few steps. On one knee praying. Walk a few steps and then goes on one knee praying. The sheer bloodied-mindedness of his routine is awesome.

The one thing that I admire about Ali is that he is god damned determined as only a mad person could be. Rain and shine, Ali can be found walking outside the road to my office in that ungainly gait of his. It could be raining like cats and dogs or less than 6 degrees in winter and Ali could still be seen walking around in his familiar dirty brown shirt and trousers. Nothing stops him. A pyschotic killer with a hockey mask may be standng in front of him brandishing an axe and Ali would still just walk over his ass. Wild, untamed dogs in Vientiane here are scared of him. Fann Wong may be winking at Ali and he still won't be distracted (I know I would be). Hell, Gandalf could be blocking his way doing his "Thou shalt not pass!" shit and mad Ali will still try to walk through him until Gandalf gives up and goes back to Minas Tirith in embarrassement.

Sometimes, Ali hobbles as if the pain is too much but he never wavers in walking his route. It is as if he is chasing something in the distance - a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow which only he can see. Perhaps some desert mirage that wavers in the distance and contantly beckoning to him like a siren song. Or perhaps he is just the Lao version of Forest Gump. No matter what, I never see him begged for money or food. All he does is walk and talk to himself and pray after a few steps. He walks at the side of the road and is never fearful of reckless cars or dogs which bark at him. It is fucking amazing, I tell you. He is such a familiar sight around my area that drivers don't bother to honk him off the road anymore. He is completely oblivious to the surroundings, driven only by his desire to walk till the end of time.

Once, I bought a packet of rice and drove up to Ali one evening. I rolled down my car window and offered him the packet of food. Ali ignored me completely, muttered something to himself and continued limping towards his destination. I mean, I just got my ass punked out by a mad man. CO got nothing on mad Ali.

I think the people around here have been supporting mad Ali on his unfathomable quest. Sometimes, when it is really cold, I saw Ali wearing a nice woolen jacket. Like I mentioned above, someone has obviously been giving him a hair cut, giving him food and possibly even a place to sleep. I strongly suspect the monks of the temple near my place have been taking care of him. You got to give kudos to the Buddhist monks in Laos. Buddhists, muslims or christians, they don't give a shit and will extend a helping hand if you need it. Buddhism rocks.

I am writing something on mad Ali because he is actually the inspiration behind the blog's name. I think mad Ali is in a strange way, cool. Whatever tragedies that take away the man's sanity in the past, the man never disturbs people in his current madness. All he wants in life is to walk and walk till he can't get up any more. He doesn't beg, steal and be a nuisance. I find that strangely admirable. If for some reasons I lost my mind, I want to be like him and just walk up and down Singapore not distubing anyone. People along Orchard Road may not be that supportive of me though.

Post-ed : I have not seen Ali for a few weeks. Hope some idiot didn't run him down.

Curse of Jay Chou

Forget about Chow Yun Fatt and Fatty Gong Li, the star of the movie "Curse of the Golden Flower" is clearly Jay Chou. Come on! The man is awesome in the movie! By awesome, I mean abysmally awful.

I can't even begin to describe Jay Chou's acting in the movie except to say that a dead horse can come up with more expressions than him. Seriously, tell me - how many expressions he showed in the movie?

Activity / Supposed emotional State / Jay Chou's expression

Duelling with Father / Tensed / Blank (huh?)

Seeing brothers for 1st time / Elated / Blank and confused

Learning that mother is dying/ Anguished / Still blank (hmmm?!)

Leading rebellion in palace / Determined / Idiot staring in front

Fighting a hopeless battle / Roaring with defiance / Idiot running into a wall

Committing suicide / Heartbreaking / Go back to blank look

Jay Chou's character is a heroic and fillial prince. This role is fucking easy. I could do it. You could do it. My mother + some make up + golden armour could do it. How should we act? You show some intensity. You act all heroic in the final battle with tears welling up your eyes. You gripped the table in anguish when you are told that your mother is being poisoned. And above all, your eyes dart left and right when enemies are rushing you from everywhere.

Jay Chou approached all this different but easy scenes with all the intensity of a kitten drinking milk. And when things required him to be passionate and defiant (like the hopeless solitary battle), he approached it with the same intensity of a retarded kid banging his head on the pavement. The intensity is there but way out of place, stupid.

Don't believe me? Let's see his dialogue.

Empress Fatty Gong Li : Son, my medicine has been poisoned by your father for the last two years.

Prince Jay Chou : No. Why would father do that? (blank look)

Empress Fatty : I would tell you later. I would end this at the festival.

Prince Jay Chou : Does my brothers know? (blank look)

Empress Fatty : No.

Prince Jay Chou : A son cannot raise his sword against his father. (blank look)

Empress Fatty : I understand. You don't have to do anything. (Grimace as she takes her hourly dose of poision).

Prince Jay Chou : (staring up the ceiling trying to act all pained and anguished). Mother, I have decided. I will help you. (still blank look)

I guarantee you Jay Chou will give the same acting intensity if we change the dialogue to Empress Fatty Gong Li asking Jay Chou to buy food.

Empress Gong Li : Son, I am sick of eating nasi lemak made by your father. Can you buy me chicken rice?

Prince Jay Chou: No. Why would you want that? (Blank look)

Empress Gong Li : I would tell you later. I intend to serve chicken rice with garlic chili sauce tonight.

Prince Jay Chou : Does my brothers know that they are going to have chicken rice? (blank look)

Empress Gong Li: No. Can you buy me chicken rice with roasted chicken leg, less rice but with more cucumbers?

Prince Jay Chou : A son cannot raise his chopsticks against his father even though his nasi lemak is not nice (blank look).

Empress Gong Li : I understand. You don't have to do anything. (Grimace as she eats a spoonful of nasi lemak with ikan bilis).

Prince Jay Chou : (stares at the ceiling trying to act pained and anguished). Mother, I have decided. I will help you. Do you want more rice in your packet? (blank look)

I double guarantee you whether it is leading a rebellion against his father or buying chicken rice with more cucumbers for her mother, Jay Chou will have the same expression.

(Mother, do you want more cucumbers and more rice in your chicken rice?)