People ask the dumbest questions

I as poring through the lunch menu at a Lao restaurant the other day when I heard someone at the next table asked the waiter this question:

“This Lao chicken noodles (mee gai) . . . . Is it delicious?”

This question is stupid. It may not be a rhetorical question but it is stupid nevertheless. What do you expect the waiter to say?

“No sir. Are you kidding?! Our chicken noodles suck ass. I would stay far away from it if I were you. The noodles were made from low quality wheat and when we run out of wheat, we actually used pork jello. That’s right, pork jello leh. Don’t believe, right? I also cannot believe. And to cover up the smell and allay your suspicions, we make the broth really salty. Ooh, the broth. We basically pour hot water for 5 minutes over leftover innards of the chicken and bones and call it a “broth”. The chicken meat is so tough and chewy that the man to your right is still chewing it ever since his noodles arrived. 3 hours ago. Don’t be deceived by the picture in the menu. It actually looks like baby worms squirming in blood. Once, when I sampled it myself, I couldn’t even swallow them. The noodles only went half way down my throat and they came right back up again.

Only three men have ordered this chicken noodles before and they are never seen again. (Thunk!) I see the man on your right has fallen over clutching his stomach in pain. Make it four men. So what you get is really a slimy concotion of pain and suffering. Our initial name for his bowl of noodles is tuay jep (Bowl of Eternal Suffering).

So would you like to order a bowl to try?”

But of course, the waiter didn’t say all that. He just smiled and said:

“It is saap (delicious)!” Again, what do we expect waiters to say?

It is like beauty contestants saying “I like to have fun!” Like DUH. You mean, there are people who don’t?

Apocalypto

The movie pirates in Indochina are especially effective in 2007. I bought Apocalypto even though the movie is only currently showing in Singapore.

(Poster taken off Wiki of course)

One thing you may already know about the movie. It is directed by Mel Gibson. You may remember Mel Gibson as the beloved psycho cop in the Lethal Weapons series or the wild-haired Scottish idiot in Braveheart. He is also the guy who got drunk and said anti-semitic things about the Jews which caused a furore in Hollywood. Nowadays, if you get drunk and do something unspeakable; like strip and run around naked or have sex with your pet, you are allowed the following cast-iron legal defence:

Judge: So, why are you trying to have sex with Bus 97 again?

Drunk: “Your Honor, I have a Mel Gibson Moment. I know not what I am doing.”

Mel Gibson is also the director of the “Passion of Christ” which I must say, is one of the shittiest movie ever made in 2005 despite rave reviews from everyone. I wonder what they were watching. I know of some Christians who cried buckets and reaffirmed their faith while watching the Passion of Christ. I can’t really understand why. The whole “He died to carry your sins” line doesn’t work with me since, let’s be frank, it makes zero logic.

So I approached Apocalypto with a great deal of trepidation. I had no choice. It was between Apocalypto or some shit movie called Alastre which looks like a badly made Spanish porn movie. So I grabbed the Apocalypto, put it in the DVD player and prayed that the movie was watchable. By watchable, I mean not puking over the keyboard or trying to scratch my eyes out.

The movie was AWESOME. It was way cool. I would go as far as to say that it will be an early contender for an Oscar.

There is historical intrigue, suspense, gore (lots), blood (by the buckets) and heroic chases though the Mayan jungle. There are no babes in the movie (which sort of suck) unless you are the kind who get turned on by those naked tribal women which you always see on Discovery Channel. In which case, you need some serious porn to set you straight.

(Pic taken off Wiki, as usual)

The story is quite simple. Just a straight forward retelling of the life of a simple Mayan native whose life changed one day when raiders working for the government torched his village and captured everyone for a nefarious and sinister objective – aka lopping people’s heads off for sacrifical ceremonies. You get to see the Mayan civilisation (250 – 900 AD) in Central America in all its intricacies. People hunting in the forests, their clothes (lack of it), soaring temples and Mayan way of life. By the way, one of the greatest mistery in history is why the Mayan civilisation collapsed suddenly overnight. Natural disaster, alien invasion, sudden outbreak of contagious dumbassness? Maybe. There is nothing to dislike about the movie and my hat off to MG for actually making a good movie, in between not getting drunk and trying to hump Bus No. 97.

Things everyone hear once in their life and wants to kill the speaker with a fork - III

In your life, you always/inevitably/definitely run into these people who are moralists and anti-abortion. These people are usually Christians who think they know it all and believe that they are the moral champions of the free world. They think they have halos over their heads and angel's wings on their backs. In other words, like a cocked-up X-Man or a mutant pigeon. When discussing abortion, they will always give this example:

Smartass moralists: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, and she had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

If you said yes, Smartass Christian would say "Congratulations, you just killed Beethoven". He would then look smugly at you and you are expected to bow your head in shame and grovel for forgiveness.



You know what? SCREW BEETHOVEN. I wish his mother had aborted him if only to save generations of people like me having to listen to that BS analogy again and again whenever someone is trying to defend the anti-abortion stance with a holier than thou attitude.

For that matter, screw the following:

Opus 21: Symphony No. 1 in C Major (1800)
Opus 36: Symphony No. 2 in D Major (1803)
Opus 55: Symphony No. 3 in E flat Major "Eroica" (1805)
Opus 60: Symphony No. 4 in B flat Major (1807)
Opus 15: Piano Concerto No. 1 in C major (1796-1797)
Opus 19: Piano Concerto No. 2 in B flat major (1798)
Opus 37: Piano Concerto No. 3 in C minor (1803)
Opus 56: Triple Concerto in C major (1805)
Opus 72b: Leonore "No. 3" (1806)
Opus 138: Leonore "No. 1" (1807)
Opus 62: Coriolan (1807)
Opus 84: Egmont (Overture and Incidental Music) (1810) [1]
Opus 91: Wellington's Victory (1813)
Opus 27: Two Piano Sonatas (1801)
No. 1: Piano Sonata No. 13 in E flat major "Quasi Una Fantasia"
No. 2: Piano Sonata No. 14 in C sharp minor "Moonlight"
Opus 28: Piano Sonata No. 15 in D major "Pastoral" (1801)
Opus 31: Three Piano Sonatas (1802)
No. 1: Piano Sonata No. 16 in G major
No. 2: Piano Sonata No. 17 in D minor "Tempest"
No. 3: Piano Sonata No. 18 in E flat major "The Hunt"

And every boring string quartert and piano sonatas that this wild-haired/eyed moron came up with to purposely TORTURE AND BORE ME TO A DEEP CATATONIC STATE WHERE I NEED TO BITE MY TONGUE TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

For me, most of Beethoven's music is like one big Symphony No.99 in ZZZZZZzzzz major/minor. Who the F cares? Moonlight sonata? Snore. Symphony No.1? What the F is going on?! Symphony No. 5? Blows ass. And stop banging the organ, already.

Everyone keeps quiet whenever Beethoven's name is mentioned. Why? Because it is sacrilegious to say bad things about that dumbass? No wait, since he is deaf, he should be a DEAFASS. Please, the deafass's music suck. One or two good hits and then a magnificent hit in "Symphony No. 5 - Ode to Joy" which I admit, is an awe-inspiring piece which Beethoven must have wrote it in a drunken orgy. If that deafass is still alive, he would be like Michael Learns to Rock. One or two good hits amongst tons of lousy, BS tunes that stinks up the airwaves for the last 10 years. Now, the band is more like Michael Doesn't Know How To Rock Bcos He Is Old & BS. That still doesn't explain of course why everyone for the last two hundred years have been worshipping Beethoven like a god and trying to give him the longest blowjob in history. I don't even blame Beethoven for this, more like assholes who keep using Beethoven's name to defend their position for anti-abortion.

The next time, some idiot used that analogy on you, answer him this:

Dumbass moralist : . . . . . just killed Beethoven. Ha!

CO : So, if you know of a woman with already have 3 children, would you ask her to abort the 4th son even though she and her husband can afford it?

Dumbass moralists : What the F? Have you not been listening to a word I said? Of course, not! She should keep the baby.

CO : Congratulations. You just saved Hitler. Dumbass.

America's Next Top (Aneroxic) Model

America's Next Top Model is in its 7th season. But last night's episode on Thailand's UBC Series is the first time I caught it on TV. I am not sure whether they show the reality series in Singapore.

I was thoroughly entertained.

There were like 10 aneroxic models left in this reality contest; which only the winner will get a free buffet voucher at Sakae Sushi. Just kidding. These models will die of overeating after just drinking the miso soup. Apparently, these bitches are fighting over some BS lucrative contract with some world famous modelling agency called Elite Models. I am assuming Elite Models is a famous, big-ass company in the US which every girl is dying to join and be yet another faceless employee lost in the crowd. The models were then asked to compete with each other in a series of photoshoots. They have to pose with animals, male models and do strange poses. The loser get her ass kick off the show by a panel of judges. Chief Judge is Supermodel Tyra Banks herself and the rest were made up of so-called luminaries and who-whos from the American modelling world e.g. magazine editor, famous stylists etc. Some things I learned:

(a) The amount of bitching and crying in the modelling world is amazing.

Model Melrose gossiped that Model Anchal is not as beautiful as she first thought and not much of a threat. Anchal overheard it and started crying like a pussy "Boo Hoo. How can she be so mean?? Why doesn't she like me? Wa wa wa wa." Anchal cried like a certifiable bitch for like, start to finish of the entire show.

MUWAWAHA. Some people cry because their loved ones passed away. Anchal cried like a blown tap because someone thinks she is not as beautiful as they thought. It takes a special kind of dumbassness to even cry at such a minor thing.

And then the bitching. My god, the bitching. Every model seem to hate Anchal because "Anchal always say she is ugly but we all know she is pretty. She is so mean!". And Anchal say " I know I am ugly because I eat too much! Look, ice-cream! Woo Hoo! " I like Anchal. She eats when she is depressed and since she is depressed 90% of the time, she spends most of her time on the show crying and eating at the same time.

MUWAHAHAHA. So-called models have surprisingly low self-esteem.

(b) Models are fugly and aneroxic.

I look at all these fugly models and decided instantly to drive out to get an ice-cream sundae, topped with strawberry syrup and a chocolate biscuit. Why? Because all these fugly models are so starvingly thin that it made me felt like I was in a famine and wanted to eat something. I have seen pictures of holocaust sufferers who were in better shape than them. My big toe weigh more than them. When they took off their clothes for the photo shoot, I could see ribs under the skin. Ouch. I mean, they are almost all skin and bones. I bet they each weigh less than 45 kg, which is the weight of some people's ego alone.

And they are truly fugly. Which lead to observation (c) . . .

(c) photographers and make-up artists are gods

Absolutely amazing. Photographers and make up artisits practically work magic with their cameras and brushes and actually manage to find a way to make most of these fugly, aneroxic girls look supple and sexy. The expertise is incredible.

But of course, you get the usual dumbass comments from the so called judges which are all made up of snooty models and gay photographers.

Typical dumbass, snooty comment:

"Anchal would not be a good model. Her pictures are beautiful because she is beautiful, not because she knows how to be a beautiful model."

It is dumbass, illogical comment like this that made me switched channel to watch the Apprentice instead.

A caring big brother or a hardcore gangster?

There was an article in the Straits Times on 6 January 2007 that I found quite amusing.

Titled "JB Slashing Victim : Caring big brother or hardcore gangster?"

The reporter said that differing tales paint two pictures of a man (Ah Hua) who was murdered in JB recently. The murder victim was reputedly a gangster and was a murder suspect himself (for the murder of a 18 year old in Singapore in 2003). So this reporter said that different people remember the victim for different things.

- - - - -

The positive side

Some said that Ah Hua was friendly and polite and even helped pub staff keep away the chairs and tables. Ah Hua also gave a regular allowance to his parents and looked out for the elderly. He also "blushed" when he had to pass a sweet with his mouth to a girl.

The negative side

Some said that Ah Hua has a quick temper, abused his girlfriend and took her money. Ah Hua was a hardcore criminal and was involved in illicit activities in Singapore and Malaysia since 16. He also dabbled in drugs and threatend to hurt people who crossed his path.

- - - - -

So it seemed that the reporter was at a loss to decide whether Ah Hua was a good or bad man in view of such differing opinions. I think he cannot believe that a person can be both kind and evil at the same time.

Well, why not? Welcome to the real world, Mr/Mrs Reporter. You sounds like you are confused. Hey, instead of using the title "Caring Big Brother OR Hardcore Gangster?", why not use "Caring Big Brother AND Hardcore Gangster". There is no contradiction there. The facts are actually quite clear. He is nice to his family AND also a gangster. He is abusive towards his girlfriend but also blush when asked to do something intimate with a girl. A man can be all these things at the same time. So there is actually no question here. Quit abusing the use of the question mark.

I found it amusing that some people seem to be unable to accept that a person can be both a good brother and son as well as a bad-ass gangster involved in murders, drugs and illicit activities. Why not? Why is everything always have to be black and white? We are not washing socks here. Some people walk around with the most coloured lenses in the world. To them, the world is filled with stereotypes as follows:

Gangsters and moneylenders = evil, bad asses who must have a lot of tattoos and be abusive to parents and wives and always dabbled in drugs and prostitution. All deserved to be caned and shot.

Successful businessmen and officials = smart and hardworking people who think "outside the box" and always know how to seize opportunities. Must be "streetwise". Cannot be graduates from Singapore since we all know graduates from Singapore are all "book smart".

Singaporean men = nice but boring. No money either. Dungeons and Dragons dorks. Sexually depraved.

Singaporean women = sophisticated and driven. Know what they want (yeah, right. Next stereotype please).

Singapore politicans = morally upright and never make mistakes. Always know what they are doing. So if they say GST going up to 7% is right, it must be correct. Bus fare going up? Must be the right thing to do.

YAWN. You know, sometimes our politicians missed the point completely and talk the most absolute garbage. E.g. our real estate policy in the 90's was a complete unmitigated disaster when the authorities allowed rampant speculation which drove property prices skyhigh. They called it "increasing the value of our people's assets". Well, everyone got their asses kicked later when the bubble burst. Some people never recovered. Smart people need not necessary know what they are doing. (I am watching the current real estate market with great interest as it appear that the same bubble is growing).

Those Nazis who gassed and killed millions of Jews during WWII were also good fathers/Christians who read stories to their children before bedtime. And how many times have we read Mr X is a quiet and humble Singaporean only to find out later he murdered and chopped up his Chinese mistress? Is it really incomprehensible that a person can be good and evil at the same time? Oh, and when that Chinese girl Huang Na get killed, every Singaporean was donating money to the "grieving mother" . . . who then promptly used the money to build houses back in China. Real smart move, dumbasses. I don't think the mother was sad at all. She is a opportunistic, evil mother who left her small daughter alone in Singapore with no money or adult supervision and have to fend for herself. Why does everything think that all women are good mothers?

A man or woman has many faces. Deal with it. A woman who is an intelligent and educated professional might be stupid enough to be in an abusive relationship with a loser boyfriend or husband. I have also stopped going "Wow!" everytime someone introduced me to a successful person who made it big. It is not because he can "think out of the box", talented or street smart. Some people made it big because they are either lucky or kiss enough ass to stink up the place permanently. Take everything with a pinch of salt. A gangster can be a fillial son and evil person. An educated person can make the worst mistake. Nothing surprising there.

Flag parade in a Lao Primary School

When I was in primary school in Singapore, I was one of the flag raisers. I took a lot of pride in raising the flag during the school morning parade and was particularly good in timing the flag to be raised to the apex exactly when our anthemn is trailing off to " . . . . puraaaaaa". Cheap thrill and stupid joy, I know but I was an easily contended kid. I also loved to be a blackboard monitor and enjoyed to be the one beating the chalk dust off the dusters at the end of each day. I don't know why I like squatting by the steps and beating chalkdust off dusters but my friends always wanted to do it also. It was fun in an odd way to see dust fly. I think primary schools in Singapore don't use dusters or chalkboards anymore.

Anyway, I mentioned that I wanted to do something nice for the Lao people so I bought some noodles and condensed milk and gave it away to the disabled centre as well as some primary schools. When I arrived at a primary school, they were already lowering the flag for the day.

Notice the rows of students with their smart caps saluting the Lao flag. No PA system of course so everyone had to sing the Lao national anthemn. The rows of students with smart blue caps were apparently the "model" class for the week. They listened to their teachers and did well for the class tests etc. For their efforts to be good kids, they get to wear spanking nice caps for the week. In addition, before the flag parade, the principal also announced the names of "model" students who had done well in subjects such as Science. The model student got to choose between different presents. usually a colouring pencil, pen or crayon.

The school is not very well refurbished of course as you can see from the uneven painting. More than 40 students squeezed into one small classroom and some do not even have chairs. They are using chalkboards still but the chalkboard is so worn with use that the chalkboard is actually almost white. When I left, I saw a student diligently beating the dust out of a couple of dusters on the steps.

Ahh. The good times.

2007 can suck it

The way 2006 ended and 2007 begins, this whole year can suck it for all I care.

On New Year's Eve' Eve, I lost control of my car on the way to the golf course. "Lost control" is such a mild phrase. The accurate way to describe it would be "f_cking steering didn't work and neither do the brakes". So my Toyota Corolla was drifting towards the right side of the road and straight at a group of walking girls. Maybe it is my innate character to take it easy, maybe it is years of playing racing games on the Playstation but for that one second before killing everyone concerned, I had a lucid thought:

"Option A - Killing innocent girls or Option B - Crashing onto the pavement?"

I don't know. Thing happened very fast but my brain took a look at the situation and said:

"Fuck it. Just go for the pavement."

So I swung the wheel as far right as I could go (idiot steering move the car by just that little bit) and the car missed the girls by some inches. The Corolla then ran onto the pavement like a drunk hippotamus. Now "pavements" in Laos are just a collection of debris, stones and cut tree stumps. So my nice car bumped through the debris and came into a complete stop like 2 inches before a concrete column and outside someone's house. Since the brakes didn't work, it was pure luck that the debris slowed the car down in time. (PS : Some christians will say that God looked after me. I would respond that if God looked after me, he wouldn't have failed the steering and brakes at THE SAME TIME and risked the lives of 5 girls. What's he trying to do? Test my reflexes and speed of decision making? Guess I showed him, punk!)

The five girls ran away screaming at the near miss.

You know what I was thinking when I sat there with holding the useless steering wheel when the car stopped. Three quick thoughts:

(a) You know those idiot driving instructors who always tell people to use the handbrakes in a emergency situation? BS!

(What absolute bullshit. You have less than a second to react. How to up your handbrake? People who tell others to use the handbrake in an emergency situation are stupid people who have never been in a split second, near crash situation).

(b) When reading the newspapers, I understand now what so-and-so driver meant when he said that he lost control of his car in an accident.

(c) ALL HAIL THE PLAYSTATION!

Months of playing Need for Speed (Most Wanted and Carbon) really taught you a thing or two about making decisions in near crash situations.

What happened afterwards is quite surreal also. The Lao owner of the house, who was sleeping, came out of his house and instead of verbally abusing me for crash landing a Japanese car in front of his porch, asked me kindly whether I was hurt and even helped me to change the damaged front wheel. His wife woke up groggily and then offered me a drink. HOLY SHIT. It was as if strangers crashed cars into their front porch at 6.30 am everyday.

(BAM)

Kind man (KM) : Yawn. Honey, someone landed their car on our front porch again.

KM's wife : Ok, I will go offer him a drink. You go help him change his tyre.

I mean, this is surreal shit, right? If this happens in Singapore, the average elitist Singaporean bungalow owner will come running out with all sort of vulgar expletives paying respect to my mother. And then, he will try to sue me for all sort of physical and "emotional" damage to his dog and claiming trepass. Would the average Singaporean care whether I am dead or dying? You know the answer.

May God (or whoever is up there) bless the Lao people for their simple kindness. May they never become Singaporeans like us, always apathetic and usually hostile; unless there are commercial gains of course. Turned out that KM is actually a Japanese who settled in Laos for the past twenty years. We conversed for an hour using broken Japanese, English and Lao. It wasn't exactly nuclear physics conversation but it was pleasant in view that my fat-ass car was marooned in his front yard like a beached whale or a half-sinking Spanish galleon.

As my friend came to pick me up and the Lao repairmen started to get ready to haul the car to their workshop (KM and I just couldn't get the car to start), I looked back and saw KM and his wife sweeping the porch and watering the plants which I barely missed. KM actually smiled and waved at me.

I am going out now and buy them the biggest f_cking hamper money can buy. For that one act of kindness shown to me by one Lao couple, I am going to donate rice, noodles and condensed milk to orphanages and primary schools out of my own pocket for the whole of next week.