Louis Vuitton Berlingot

Ring ring! Guess what did your neighbourhood ice cream man just bring in? Yep, it is the LV Ice Cream Bag! 50% vanilla, 30% cookies & cream, 20% blueberry, 100% BULLSHIT.

Does this remind you of something? Well for me, it reminded me of this popsicle / ice cream which I liked when I was young. Costs me 10 cents and I had to bite/cut off the top and then spent 10 minutes sucking the sugar water from the top. Sweet. Which begs the questions as to just where do LV and Murakami got their crazy design ideas from? The Indian ma-ma shop at Hougang Street 21?

Take a close look at this later piece of disaster called LV Berlingot. It is meant to be sort of like a small purse but comes with your standard LV tacky design hallmarks which also serve as a nod to pretentious luxury culture:

(a) bullshit cowhide trim (delicious irony here);
(b) typical Murakami crazy kid's drawing doodling;
(c) tacky goldbrass;
(d) crazy big-ass zip which almost takes up half the length of the zipped compartment. Must be for rich dumbasses with fat fingers.

If carrying expensive purses which looks like my childhood 10-cent popsicle excites you, let it be known that this thing costs a whooping US$235. If you still actually want to buy it, it might interests you that it comes in many flavours. My personal favourite is the DUMBASS FLAVOUR - which tastes like a mix of the "too much money" flavour and the "woman who is dying to be cheated" favour. Try it. You might like it.

Brokeback Mountain

Brokeback Mountain
Directed by : Lee Ang
Starring : Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal

Choo-choo! By the time I seen this movie, the entire hype train is at full force. The movie is now simply referred to as the "Gay Cowboy" movie. I thought I would pen down my thoughts on Brokeback Mountain before the 78th Annual Oscar Academy Awards. As I sat back and began to watch the opening credits, it was with a large degree of apprehension for the following reasons:

(a) This movie had caused the film industry to coin a new phrase "Brokeback Syndrome". It is when every critic praised the movie to such an extent, that no one else dared to critise it even though it honestly sucks. I have seen many such supposedly "great" movies that were highly acclaimed and went on to win Oscars but quite frankly, suck ass. It makes you wonder whether the Oscar judges have been watching the same movie as you. Examples of supposedly great Oscar award movies which sucks monkey balls are "Million Dollar Baby", "Titanic" and "Chicago". I recalled sitting through "Million Dollar Baby" and wondered whether it won the Oscar simply because nobody dared to piss off the great (but ancient) duo of Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman . I mean, that movie sucked ass so much I needed kerosene to wash dirt from my eyes. And don't get me started on "Chicago", a movie which won the Best Picture and got Catherine Zeta Jones the Best Actress award. I mean, in the name of all things good and holy. How? Why?

(b) It is directed by Lee Ang. The one who gave us "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" in 2000 or the movie which would be more accurately labelled as "Crouching Director Hidden Dumbasses". Am I the only one who think that the fighting sequences in CTHD are the most stupid and uncomfortable ones in cinematic history? How could the Western audience eat all this up and heap praises on it? Are you kidding me? My friend put it best when he said that he seen better fighting in those early 70s Hongkong movies on the one-armed swordsman. At least the one-armed swordsman (with one arm taped uncomfortably behind his back) can fight. Just because Lee Ang dangled Zang Zhiyi on a steel wire over some bamboos doesn't mean that it is "great cinematic fighting". Zhang Ziyi and Chow Yun Fatt looked like they were going to burst out laughing half the time while they were swaying on bamboos.

And Lee Ang gave us the disaster piece known as "The Hulk". He should have called it "The Suck" since everything sucks in that movie. Look, Mr Lee. Small man who became a big green monster and smashed things. How simple can it get? There is no need to put in a social or moral perspective to a big green man smashing things, you dummy.

(c) It is Captain Obvious we are talking about here. He who enjoyed watching all the B-Grade slasher movies like Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street. He who thought Starship Troopers ought to win an Oscar for being cool. I hate almost all romantic movies and all movies involving any possible gay themes (Colin Farrel in Alexander, raise your hand please). So a gay western? Now you understand why things looked bleak for Brokeback Mountain.

So it is no small praise when I said this : Brokeback Mountain is indeed good. While it does not live up to its hype 100%, it far exceeds my high cinematic yardstick. There I said it, the Gay Cowboy movie is good. Lee Ang finally got one right. I know, I am shocked too.

I hated saying good and mushy things about movies so I am going to do this just once. Forget about the breathtaking scenery of the Canadian Rockies in the background although that itself is worth the ticket as each frame is laced with loving attention (I am so going to Canada or Wyoming in my next holiday). This one is about love across all divides. It is about a kind of love which really could not be spoken but only whispered. Go see this movie to see the stunning portrayal of tough men who danced around a forbidden love for 20 years while leading a double life as straight husbands. Go witness the suffering wrought upon the poor wives who followed their gay husbands. One even faithfully followed her husband all the way to the bitter end without confronting her husband. Budding thespians, take note.

I don't want to give away the plot of the movie lest you have not seen it. But watch out for the ending sequence when Ledger made THAT phonecall to Ann Hathaway (wife of Gyllenhaal). In my entire years of watching movies, I have never seen so much meaning conveyed with so few words in just five minutes. Ledger spoke with a voice laden with society repression - he was positively mumbling but his pain never felt so real. If you can't feel it, you officially don't have a heartbeat and are therefore an undead which is reading this blog now. Hathaway spoke with the voice of a wife who suspected for 20 years that his husband wasn't exactly straight but never asked her husband. She danced around the issue just like the pair of gay lovers danced around the issue of coming out of the closet. Women who refused to face the truth vs Men who refused to give in to their desire for love. Interesting?

In summary, the movie is moving, emotional and if you can just put aside your inborn prejudices against gays for just two hours, will touch you with its simple tale of forbidden and tragic love which is doomed in this society we are living in.

I put his one way above other freaking love stories like "Titanic" which bores me to tears and made me want to kick Kate Winslet and Di Caprio's asses into the sea. The momentum that is Brokeback Mountain could not be stopped at the Oscars. I know there is currently some talk that "Crash" might stop Brokeback Mountain at the Oscars. But I still think that one would need to turn back time to bring out Lord of the Rings : Return of the King to stop this one from being crowned Best Picture Oscar in 2006. And even that might not be enough.

Jan 1995 all over again - or is it?

Where were you and what were you doing in Jan 1995? Can you remember? A lot of things happened in Jan 1995. Austria, Finland and Sweden officially joined the EU. An earthquake, "the great Hanshin Earthquake" with a magnitude of 7.3 on the Richter scale rocked Kobe, Japan killing 6000+ people. The world was one step away from nuclear confrontation when Russian missile command mistook a rocket launched by the Norwegians to study the Northern Lights effect as a nuclear strike. Talked about an interesting month.

For yours truly, I was still serving in the Singapore Armed Forces, being yelled at by a fat master-sergeant and being so bored that looking at paint dry on the ceiling was like a day at Daytona Beach. In the army, it was area cleaning after toilet cleaning. And if you threw in really bad food cooked by disgruntled recruits whose sweat constantly dripped into the puddle of fishball soup or mutton curry (all Singaporean NS men know that all"meat" tastes like mutton in the army during the old days) and the common occurrence of finding stones in your withered and unrecognised vegetables, you would understand when I said that Jan 1995 was not exactly spring-break mecca for me. In Obvious translation, I wasn't exactly having fun.

This soon changed in an instant. In Jan 1995, I was minding my own business when a very short buddy came up to me, thrusted something into my hands and whispered "look at this, idiot". He then looked around in a conspiratory fashion, as if he was Austin Powers about to go to work on a bunch of Russian female agents. Normally, I would just kick his ass off my bed but this time he had a strange bright expression in his eyes which shifted from shades of excitement to borderline insanity. He looked really happy as if salvation was at hand. I looked with apprehension at the bundle you thrusted in my hands. In the Army, you never knew what strange shit people were up to. I have seen them all. From Jehovah's witnesses who refused to carry guns to people having undergone sex changes which made them ineligible for service.

The thing in my hand was a Newpaper edition.

For a minute, I thought that something major had happened. Perhaps a group of disgruntled NS recruits from 1st Guards or 6th SIR finally had enough of bad Army food and launched a full scale mutiny. Something like a Sepoy mutiny (Indian army rebellion in 1857) but to fight for food without stones in it and doesn't always taste like mutton. (God damn it, we want chicken that tastes like chicken! Not chicken that tastes like mutton or pork that looks like chicken but still tastes like mutton!) A whole new twist to the Guards' slogan of "Ready to Strike, Singapore Guards . . . but only to get proper food and better nightsnacks!" Maybe they even scrapped NS for all men! Amen!

But no. As I opened up the Newpaper, this was better. Much better.

"Singaporean girl Annabel Chong broke world record by having sex with 251 men in 10 hours".

I see you remember the name. Annabel Chong needs no introduction whether you are living in the East or West. While I avoid celebrity gossip like my master sergeant and I know many Singaporean girls simply detest the name of Annabel Chong (hell, I personally know girls who changed their English names from Annabel to just Ann after the news broke), I wanted to say something on the Annabel Chong Effect. And why the current NYP Tammy scandal got nothing on Annabel Chong. Tammy was a sad, dumb wuss compared to Annabel.

I knew now why my friend was so excited that day in Jan 1995 when the Annabel Chong news broke. Singaporean boys had been taught from a very young age that Singaporean girls are nice and decent. Kind, understanding girls who will grow up to be nurturing mothers. The kind of girls who will bring cold kittens in from the rain. Aww, shucks. But as time progressed, we boys began to have an uncomfortable feeling that someone was feeding us a big lie the size of your Enron scandal. We can't quite put out finger on it as to at which point we started thinking "Maybe, just maybe Singaporean girls are not as nice as they are made out to be". To make matters worse, I went to an all-boys secondary school so the myth of the perfect Singaporean girl went on strong for a long time. I should have gotten the hint during JC when oh, I don't know, WHEN THE JC CLASS SLUT STARTED HAVING MORE BOYFRIENDS THAN I GOT PENCILS". Still the fallacy persisted.

And the hundred year old fallacy was finally shattered by Annabel Chong. Shattered like a one ton demolition ball going through a poorly build house in Laos. U go girl! Decent Singaporean girls, my foot.

She was the first and boy, did all the Singaporean boys love her and the Singaporean girls hated her. If the porn industry was the Matrix, she would be known as "The One". For the record, Annabel did not have sex wih 251 men in 10 hours. She could only find 80+ men but had sex several times with the same man. The movie was called the "World's Greatest Gangbang" and all Singaporean boys went on a treasure hunt on the budding internet to get more details on:
(a) clips of the movie
(b) who Annabel was
(d) why she did it

I recalled doing some research on her years ago. To make things interesting, she came from Raffles Girls School and Hwa Chong JC. I repeat, RGS and HCJC - the elite among the elites. There goes the damn neighbourhood. She even gotten a scholarship to study law in London before she went slightly nutty and decided to go to University of Southern California to study photography and feminist studies. She acted in many classic porn movies and was one of the greatest porn stars of all time in the West.

Why do I say all this? Because some people were saying it was Jan 1995 all over again. Forgetful people are all saying how could a Singaporean girl be so bold to tape down her own sex acts. Why she could do all this? Decency standards lowered, blah blah.

Hello? Annabel Chong? "The One"? Whatever so called decency bars were lowered by Annabel in 1995 and NYP Tammy didn't break new grounds . The main difference was that at least Annabel was smart enough to get paid for it. I have zero sympathy, unlike the rest of the blogging community, for that dumbass NYP girl who taped down her own sex act and then lost her own handphone. She deserved everything she got by trying to audition for Singapore Porn Idol contest. Newsflash : Annabel won it hands down in 1995. Tammy got nothing on Annable. Pow! Take that, you stupid NYP girl.

For those who suddenly ask "By the way, Captain Obvious, what happen to Annabel Chong?" Well, Annabel was a smart cookie. She knew that she could not do porn movies all her life so she enrolled in PC web design classes (while she was still acting in porn movies) and was now a computer programmer. Yes, you hear me correctly. She is now a computer programmer and specialises in ASP and .NET with C#, Database Development and also does web designs for companies. I had more respect for Annabel than your average dumb NYP girls who lost her sex tape or your bubble head female blogger who try to earn money from her blog by advertising out space for dodgy chatlines and spent time writing badly.

Lantern Festival to fool the Jade Emperor

When the Taiwanese celebrate something, they certainly go all out. They don't just blockade a few roads, push out a few sad-looking floats and usher in tons of foreign performers to masquerade any lack in culture and history. No, the Taiwanese certainly go all the freaking mile. Every year, to celebrate the end of the Chinese New Year, beside just popping the usual Chinese tang-yuans (damn, I forgot to eat some in Singapore), they celebrate it with the Lantern Festival.

Singaporeans probably do not understand why the Taiwanese bring out the lanterns in February. In Singapore, kids only make a nuisance of themselves walking around with fugly lanterns at the Botanic gardens in August. By the way, I am not even sure whether kids do this anymore. Seems like we only remember the mooncakes part nowadays. Back in the old days, we walked around with lanterns with candles and proceeded to bash each other's lanterns up (like mountain goats ramming each other) and see whose lantern got burnt up first. So by the end of the night, there were a lot of crying kids walking around with burnt lanterns. None of these batteries BS.

So for the uninformed, let me briefly explain the Taiwanese origins of the Lantern Festival. It has nothing to do with a pretty lady flying to the moon and spending her time playing chess with a rabbit which must be quite confused at the turn of events. Apparently, our Emperor in Heaven (the King of Gods, if you will or what we call him, the Jade Emperor) was pretty mad at some poor townfolks who killed his goose by mistake. He decided to exact retribution by annihilating the town in a storm of fire. A good hearted fairy took pity on the town and told its people to light lanterns at night prior to the attack. The lited lanterns made it looked like the town was burning and fooled the Jade Emperor into thinking the town was already on fire, thus giving up the attack.

You know, this is why I am not a religious person. Am I the only one who thinks that it might not be a good idea to worship some god who, oh, I don't know, WANTED TO KILL THOUSANDS OF INNOCENTS TO AVENGE A GOOSE? Does anybody else think that, maybe, just maybe, that the old fart is JUST OVER-REACTING A BIT? Animal rights taken waaay too far. You are the Celestial Emperor, you can afford losing a few poultry, dumbass. Now I know why the Monkey God didn't see eye to eye with that old fart Jade Emperor and proceeded to eat up all his heavenly peaches and crapped all over the place. Emperor of Gods, my foot.

Some pics of the annual event at Chiang Kai-Shek monument which drew 50,000 people nightly over a one-week period. By the way, it was so cold that night that everyone was huddling like penguins. That is if penguins wear jackets and scarfs and took pictures with shaking fingers.

(Going into Chiang Kai-Shek Monument)

(dumbasses trying to guess lantern riddles. Give it up, you fools)

(They lined the colonnade with statutes of dogs. It is the Year of the Dog afterall)

(The centerpiece of the annual event. A gigantic float that tells a story of a dog which helped a boy find his parents. Corny like hell. You know, in the West, typical dog names are "Rover" and "Lassie"? Guess what is the typical name for dogs in the East? Yep, "Wang Wang". Stupid.)



(The girl in the foreground is quite pretty. Pic didn't do her justice. No other reason why I put up the pic.)

Avoiding Valentine Day's Massacre on a mountain

Where was I on Valentine's Day? In an attempt to escape all the dreary and painful consumer manifestations in connection with Hallmark Day, oh sorry, Valentine's Day, in Singapore, I decided to flee to Taipei. I figured anywhere was better than Singapore. Bad mistake. The night when I arrived, I plonked myself in my hotel bed, switched on the TV and realised that Taiwanese celebrated not one, but THREE Valentine's Day yearly. NOOOO.

The holidays-happy Taiwanese celebrated 14 Feb (Western Valentine's Day), 14 March (Japanese White Valentine's Day) and the Chinese Valentine's Day (on 4 Aug this year). Taiwanese TV channels were already running non-stop love specials such as Marathon kissing contest, speed dating in a bubble at a shopping mall in the UK, flowers/chocolates/spa/condom promotions, local folklores about a tree in Tainan which can grant marriage wishes by simply tying red strings over someone you fancied, success story of a couple who stayed married for 50 years (either that or the couple had given up trying to kill each other since 70 year-0ld geriatics usually did not have the strength to pick up a knife to stab each other any more) . . . etc.

Speaking of which, what is it with marathon kissing contest? Why would couples go out of the way to make themselves look stupid on national TV? Oooh, look at us, we can lock lips for hours in exchange for a minute of publicity and a life time of humiliation. Dumbass. And what's with putting yourself in a plastic bubble at supermarket in the UK and let woman look at you like a piece of meat? Ooohh, look at me, I am bubble boy! Single, lonely and desperate for housewives to look at me! Take me home! Thank you, fat ass. Here is a tip, putting yourself in a bubble at a supermarket is not going to improve your chances of getting a girl. You might as well wear a sign over your neck which says that "I am weird, lonely and do strange things with vegetables in my free time. Don't believe me? Take me home! ". Don't they stone people for indecent and weird behaviour in public anymore? These people disturb me on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.

So where did I flee to on Valentine's Day to avoid thecoming of evil? I fled to the mountains. Literally.


Specifically,1120 metre above sea level on the tallest peak in Taiwan county. On the tallest mountain peak called Cising Mountain or Seven Stars Mountain. Hiking up the mountain top is no easy task and I lost count of the number of travellers which I saw giving up along the way up. Bunch of wuss. Many of them are Westerners. I don't get it. All these white folks looked like they are double my size, worked out in the gym, can bend a iron bar in half and should be able to bench press me easily. But all these Johnny Bravos couldn't climb a few steps without panting as if they just climbed Everest. Weak-ass. I kicked them off the mountain path just for blocking my way. Just kidding. Oh, and some views of the hiking trail:

(View at the top)

I also passed by some places which look suspiciously like Mordor from Lord of the Rings. Sulphur steam coming from the ground which gave the whole place a dark, foreboding look. All you need are some orcs and Gollum to complete the effect. The perfect place to be alone or if you are looking to discard a magic ring.

I met many strange people on the long trek up. I will always remember the strange mainland Chinese guy who kept following me from behind and kept muttering that I had nice shoes (Nike Air). Come to think of it, it was pretty creepy and he has the look of someone who had a previous commitment to a criminally insane facility (translation : nutty as a fruitcake). He also kept offering me a cigeratte while asking whether I carried any alcohol with me. What do I look like, 7-11? Do I look like I am carrying any Big Gulps or Mars bars with me? Go jump off the mountain already, you nutty creep. I was about to kick his ass off the mountain when he decided to give up at the halfway point and just sat there and sulked. Come to think of it, he reminded me of Gollum - "My precioussss shoessss . . . "

Then there is this middle-aged guy who at the peak, just stood there for like, hours and kept staring at the distance as if looking for something. He looked like (a) trying to spot a possible invasion from the People Liberation Army of China or (b) trying to look for signs of his wife so that he could avoid her by jumping off the mountain if necessary. Can't say I blame him.

(strange middle-age guy peering into the distance for any signs of great evil. Or just his wife)

The crazy thing was that when he saw me climbing up the peak, he gave me a knowing look as if he knew that I was trying to avoid the Valentine's Day Massacre. He nodded at me (I swear I am not exaggerating), beat his chest a few times LIKE A GORILLA in a manly declaration of defiance against evil and proceeded to stand at attention at his sentry position. Weirdest shit I have seen for a long time.

He was still standing there when I came down from the peak. I thought about kicking him off the mountain for creeping me out but you just got to respect any man who greet strangers by beating his chest like a gorilla.

More on strange things in Taiwan later.

11.5 days till the annual Valentine Day's Massacre - Oh No.

That's right. I called 14 Feb the annual Valentine Day's Massacre. Call it whatever you want but it is only 11.5 days away. It is the day where florists, candy makers and card companies (damn you, Hallmark) massacred the male consumers by milking their every cent and offered sub-standard products at heavily inflated prices. US$99 for three stalks of red roses and a teddy bear? Please, why don't all of you save the trouble and just ask us to hand over our wallets at knifepoint? Keep your freaking teddy bear - we will feel better this way. Not to mention the all-popular lovers' meal at Lawrys or Chinos which for the amazing price of US$120 get you a tiny piece of steak and two sad looking potatoes. There might also be a dumbass with a violin walking around trying to get your attention. The good thing about paying through your ass to get a window seat at Lawrys is that you get a damn good view of the Valentine Day Massacre happening on Orchard Road as boyfriends get set upon by florists and balloon sellers like wolves to bleating lambs.

The ladies also get to massacre the men's pride by forcing him to do strange things to prove his love by using a variety of pyschological weapons from plain nagging, emotional blackmail to one-way guilt trip. Make no mistake, it is a day when singles, especially men, get the mother of all financial and pyschological beat-downs. For one day and one night only, zombie-looking men walked the land.

I wanted to save this blog entry for Valentine Day itself. Then I realised that I would possibly be in Singapore itself for the annual Valentine Day's Massacre - potentially the most evil day in 2006 - so I decided to post something early before something unfortunate happens to me e.g. accidentially buying a withered tulip or sad looking sunflower or expensive sounding truffles and turning into a grumpy Obvious zombie.

Once I made the mistake of walking around in Orchard Road on Valentine's Day. Straight out of Orchard Road MRT station, it was like descending into hell with dim lights and screaming demons everywhere, poking me with hot irons. Okay, maybe I shouldn't call girls trying to sell me tulips, demons with hot irons. But under the poor lighting, they did look like the denizens of pain trying to suck money out of everyone outside Takashimaya. There were so many heart shapes things hanging on trees to frighten off single and unattached men. The effect was amplified by legions of dazed, zombie-looking boyfriends looking straight ahead, anguish and pain itched on their face. They trudged, mindlessly towards Cineleisure or Swensen, while pretending to listen to their yaking captors, hoping that the night would end. I couldn't save any of them, it was so sad.

Legions of zombies boyfriends on Orchard road trying to escape the annual Valentine Day Massacre but instead got herded to the nearest Swensen.

Disgruntled zombie boyfriends at overpriced restaurants looking for the management to voice their unhappiness over "Lovers' Meal" - which costs one month salary and turns out to be just a small piece of undercooked steak (all screenshots credit to "Road to Fiddler's Green" - a cracking Xbox game).

Which is why I am almost always bitter during February. The whole month blows. Journeying from CNY to Valentine Day is like a coffee bean jumping from the frying pan straight into the fire. Overcooked coffee bean always tastes bitter.

The road to massacre has begun. I will blog about it . . . if I survive to tell the tale.