Movies in Disguise - Not your usual review of the movie "Shadow:Dead Riot"

Pirated DVDs in Laos are cheap. Excellent copies of movies could be bought at US$1.50 each from shops in the two Chinatowns (one for mainland Chinese and the other for Lao-Chinese). Not only do you get conventional movies like Memoirs of Geisha, you can find excellent collection of TV series like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Simpsons, Angel, CSI as well as Chinese, Japanese and Korean drama serials. You also can buy hard-to-find collections such as Remington Steel (if you are into Pierce Brosnan), Charlie Chaplain's movies as well as documentaries such as BBC's Walking with Dinosaurs. All in all, it is a movie-watcher's paradise if you don't mind waiting two months for a good, mastered copy to arrive from piratcy havens like China and Thailand.

The problem of buying DVDs in Laos is that you never know exactly what the movie is about simply by reading the cover and the printed reviews. There are afterall, a lot of movies (A and B grade) produced all around the world every month. B-grade American movies never made it to cinema screening but go straight to video stores. Take the DVD which I just bought over the weekend - "Shadow: Dead Riot".

Cover looks ok. The back of the cover said the following:

Horror Icon Tony Dodd (Clive Barker's Candyman series) delivers his most powerful and evil performance as Shadow, an executed and resurrected serial killer who haunts a women's prison in search of the girl known as Solitaire. Solitaire senses her impending doom and prepares to single-handedly take on Shadow and his army of zombies in a supernatural martial arts showdown . . ."

Sounds good huh? Check out the review printed behind.

" . . . gory, tongue-in-cheek thunder . . " Fantasia 2005. Hey, if someone gives a good review of the movie, it must be good right? (I would admit that I am a dumbass at times).

I thought at US$1.50, I could afford to give it a try since I am looking for a good (read:mindless) zombie slasher movie anyway. Woman kicking zombies ala Dawn of the Dead, hmmm, I could dig that.

Within 5 minutes of watching the movie, I had this strange feeling that this movie is well, unusual. The setup looks really cheap and Tony Todd (that black guy from Final Destination) looked ridiculous (and embarassed) in dreadlocks. Also every actor looked like a part time actor (you know what I mean - these part-time actors looked like they deliver pizzas and KFC in the evening and are probably family and friends of the director and cast). The movie was also cheap that when guns fired, they can't even afford to show the bullets. Just the audio sounds, Bang Bang! And as with all cheap movies with limited human resources, the prison guard who was killed by zombies in the first minute was alive and well after the battle, except wearing a cap so that audience would hopefully not recognise him as supposed to be dead. It was so funny, I almost died from laughter. But that is not all.

The first major sign that this movie was not just a horror flick was when I saw the chief female security officer at the women's prison. She is hot. Pornographic hot. You know the type - sexy, blonde, looked a bit dumb, tried her very best to act but couldn't read her lines correctly. When I saw Ms Andrea Langi appeared on the screen using a baton to beat up women inmates, I thought "Okaayyy, this is strange".

(This is a chief prison guard? Imprison me anytime)

And then, WHAM!, lesbian sex scene in the shower. Within the next hour, there are 4 softcore sex scenes (one straight and three lesbian) and lots of full frontal nudity. I lost count of the number of shower scenes although I assume women inmates bath a lot. A LOT. I know I am in trouble when a muscular female prisoner asked one skinny bimbo to "scrub her" (trust me, it is an "ouch" moment not a "oooh" moment). Ladies and Gentleman, I just bought a soft porn movie in disguise. Whoppee.

Man, on the surface, the movie looked like a soft porn movie gone way bad. Everyone looked like bumbling idiots who can't act and run around getting killed. And the actors are so cheap, they can't even act dead. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw this prison guard just say "urrgh" and fell over when swamped by zombies. Wow, what a thespian! Not. The whole prison setup looks like they rented a cheap bungalow somewhere in deserted Changi. I guess that wasn't much you could do with just a US$10,000 budget.

However, if you could get past the obvious flaws such as campy acting and bad sex scenes (nothing hardcore), I must laugh and give the director some credit. The director is actually quite smart and obviously know how to work within a tight budget. He divided the movie into two parts. Part 1 is all about the introduction of the female character (Solitaire) into prison and basically kicking other women inmates' asses which also includes taking lots of showers which equals lots of gratitous lesbian sex scenes. But just when viewers get sick of wet girls and bad lesbian sex scenes, BAM! Part 2 - Here comes the legion of zombies which magically appear out of the ground and proceed to attack all the naked women. How many of you can say you have watched half naked women prisoners fight zombies with nails, chairs and pipes? The creativity within a low budget production is amazing. Forget about Brokeback Mountain, this is cheap Brokeback Prison with zombies.

And the fighting scenes - holy shit. You would expect a cheap porn-horro flick to have poor fighting scenes like women scratching each other with their nails and weak punches and kicks. But it turns out that the director (Derek Wan) is Jet Li's action cinematographer! So you get lots of awesome kicks from the female actresses who tried their very best to perform, heads are kicked off (OMG, awesome) and hearts are ripped out. Solitaire ended up fighting with the demon with a zombie's arm as Nunchaku - Bruce Lee style. Is there no end to the director's hilarious creativity?

I don't know how to grade this movie since it transcends the normal movie universe. I wouldn't ask you to go watch it since it will never been shown in Singapore cinemas or would it be found in the video stores anyway. But one thing for sure, this movie is smarter than any B-grade movies the US has produced. The dedication of all the cheap actors and actresses is amazing. Sure, a spoon can act better than them but hey, people are going to watch this movie for the naughty naked ladies and the zombies who want to eat them anyway. If you forced me to grade this movie, hell, I would actually rate it higher than "Memoirs of a Geisha". At least the cheap naked actresses in Shadow kicked zombies' ass and don't pretend to be anything they are not.

The Greatest Nemesis

Superman is afraid of kryptonite - a substance from his home planet. According to Superman's fan site, prolonged exposure to kryptonite will induce lassitude and inertia followed by death if not removed in time from Superman's presence.

Captain Obvious just found his kryptonite, something which would make me gag and die slowly if exposed to it for a long period. In fairness, I should have seen it coming. Here's a hint: I hate LV. Here's another hint: I hate golf. So what could be more horrible and terrifying than LV or golf?

Introducing my worst nightmare : the LV Golf Bag (Sac Golf NM).

Taken from eluxury - "With a sleek, modern look, Louis Vuitton's remarkable Golf Bag holds a full set of clubs, and contains numerous functional pockets for a golfer's necessities. Constructed from the light and practical Damier Géant canvas, this fine bag is a truly exceptional piece for the ultimate in golfing style." Some of its features include:

(a) Damier Géant canvas composed of ultra-stron technical fibers similar to those used in mountain-climbing ropes
(b) Holds a full set of clubs, with six compartments inside for easy access
(c) Includes four Louis Vuitton tees (golf tees not t-shirts)

Guess how much this thing costs? Don't bother, I tell you. US$8,650. That's one year subsistence for about 30 Lao families.

For those that do not know golf, let me put it into perspective. My current golfbag and its full complement of irons (7 iron clubs in total), drivers (3 drivers), woods (one fairway wood), putter and what-have-yous, cost me US$600. LV is charging US$8,650 for its bag ALONE (no clubs at all). You know, sometimes I wonder why LV doesn't just wave a knife and make consumers handover our wallets and purses. I often wonder whether the Pharaoh of Egypt was kinder to Moses' people than LV to modern consumers. The Pharaoh merely abused and whipped the Israelites in building pyramids for him. Ok, so the Pharaoh killed a few first born sons but did he try to sell LV golf bags to the Israelites at that price? Moses would have split more than the red sea if LV tried to sell golf bags at that price to his people.

I will further try to put LV's capriciousness into perspective for you by replying to LV's claims on its "features".

LV : Ooh, we are giving 4 LV tees for you (tees are tiny wood or plastic stand you stick into the ground for you to place the golf ball on for you to hit - thus the phrase tee off).

CO: Ooh, big freaking deal. Hey LV, I can get 12 tees for US$1. And you know what, they all perform the same damn function, which is to hold the stupid ball in place. Does having an LV logo on the tee make the ball go further? Don't make me giggle like a girl. And you know what is the best part? Tees are so small, you can't show off the LV logo anyway. Stupid.

LV: Look, the thing costs an arm and a leg because Damier Géant canvas composed of ultra-strong technical fibers similar to those used in mountain-climbing ropes.

CO: What do you intend to do - trap King Kong?

LV: But our bag holds a full set of clubs, with six compartments inside for easy access.

CO: Wow, a golf bag which holds clubs. Revolutionary! So does every damn golf bag on the market, stupid. Easy access, my ass.

LV: But our bag also contains numerous pockets for clothes, umbrellas, towels, balls and more.

CO: See above, genius. What other "amazing" features your bag has? It can *gasp* be put on a golf trolley?

LV: You are too smart for us.

CO: I know.

The sad thing about this is that I know of people who would actually throw US$8,650 down the toilet to buy this. You see, golfers are almost all vain tosspots. Golfers = Girls surfing ebay for LV = suckers. Every weekend, I saw tons of golfers on the golf course wearing the latest golf fashions - cowboy hats, swanky Taylor-made caps, the latest Burberry and Nike polio shirts. They carry the latest golf bags and accessories such as gloves and shoes. One golfer I know actually bought a "special golf calculator" to count the number of strokes per hole. As if he can't count past six. Oh, and the greatest display of dumbassness, entire hordes of grown men who wear red polio shirts simply because that is what Tiger Woods always wears. Hey dumbass, ever consider the possibility that Tiger Woods is champ because he is good and not because he wear red shirt?

Man, I give up on my own human kind. If I see the LV Sac Golf NM on the golf course, I will make it a point to aim my ball towards the owner of the bag.

Narnia - in memory of childhood fantasy

I am three months too late in talking about Narnia but hey, that's the price you pay for working in Laos. I just finished watching Narnia over the Lao New Year weekend and something bothers me. Not because the movies sucks. Contrary to popular opinion, I actually thought the movie was great. Of course, not great like LOTR but in its own small, special way. It reminded me like an old A&W in one corner of the old Hougang Interchange (next to where the bowling center is). Obviously behind the times and the likes of McDonalds and KFC but it served one hell of a root beer float.

Digress : Ahhh, Root Beer Float. By the way, I meant Root Beer Float in a old giant A&W Mug and not those in a cheap paper cup served by A&W nowadays (what's with our fast food chains now?)

No, what bothers me immensely are those people who said the movie was no good but couldn't give any reasons to back their criticism up. When probed further, those dumbasses lamely said that it was not special like Harry Potter and the battle scenes were not great like LOTR.

It confirmed my suspicion that Singapore movie-goers are spoilt. They can't recognise a good fantasy movie if it is not adapted from a famous contemporary novel like Harry Potters or have digital-created dinosaurs walking about. Special effects don't impress us anymore to the extent that we barely bat an eyelid when a phoenix set fire across the battlefield in Narnia between melees of centaurs and minotaurs.

Let me repeat : A PHOENIX SETTING FIRE IN A BATTLE BETWEEN MELEES OF CENTAURS AND MINOTAURS. Which part of the above sentence did it not scream childhood fantasy fulfilled and dream cinematography?

(Peter on unicorn and a rhino kicking or goring ass)

All true Harry Potter fans (like XX) know that the last four Harry Potter movies suck major ass. Really. Four movies down the road and we are still waiting for a good HP adaptation to the big screen. We cringed whenever people said that the Goblet of Fire was good. Obviously these same people, like the director, couldn't tell the difference between a goblet of fire and a glass of beer. And can we not use LOTR battles as a benchmark? We are talking about two different genres here. Let me break it down for dumbasses who can't tell the difference:

LOTR : Middle-Earth. Last battle between elves, flesh eating orcs, men, mercenaries with unreal elephants and witch kings riding nazul (half dragons, half flying snakes). Oh and not to mention, the Balrog (fire demon) in the 1st epsiode.

Narnia : Narnia. Nice christian fairy land where animals like beavers and eagles talked. Lots of woodland beings like fauns and centaurs fighting against the White Lady.

Demons and dragons vs talking beavers and eagles. To me, the battles in Narnia are more real than those in Lords of the Rings. I find it refreshing to see a normal animal like rhino charging into a mass of minotaurs and wolves & boars fighting for their lives rather than demons and dragons.

I wish people would just look past LOTR and Harry Potter movies when judging a fantasy movie like Narnia. It is an old-fashioned, heartwarming movie about four children who found a fantasy land and choosing to fight for it. I wouldn't go into the christian ideals behind it (Aslan's resurrection, sins of Edmund and the eventual tragedy of Susan). Didn't everyone dream of finding a fantasy land when we were young - a land of unicorns and talking rabbits? Man, we have all become spoilt by special effects movies that we cannot even recognised or remembered our childhood fantasy anymore. Remember the faith in us when we were young?

Oh and by the way,

(Mr Tumnus and Lucy - where it all started)

Remember this scene. Believe me it will bring a tear to your eyes at the final ending of the last movie - if it goes all the way to the seventh book.

Lao New Year - War of the Worlds Part 2

AP just reported that more than 440 died on the roads during the Songkran in Thailand this year with thousands injured. In Laos, statistics of road accidents have not been released yet but it is not going to be pretty. Some pics of vehicular carnage I have seen:

Road accidents in Laos is a pet topic of mine so I will leave it for the future when I have more time to go into it in more details. Some pictures of the mayhem over the past few days:

(Good luck washing those paint out)

(Lorry load of Lao people in scary goon masks)

(A father showing his kids how to use the supersoaker. He sprayed my car later as an example. Damn.)

(More water chaos. Absolute mess on the streets as party animals crowd onto the road)

(More cross-dressing hos! You think he/she is carrying a LV bag?)

I mentioned earlier my car has a flat tyre and I had to borrow an ancient Toyota Tercel to move around. Some pics of the cars.

(My lovely car in Laos . . . with a flat tyre at the rear. Damn. I suspect one of those Lao people stuck a nail behind the wheel as I left my car for lunch. It appeared to be a common ploy by some saboteurs)

(Behold the ancient Toyota Tercel. It looks so beat up the Lao people didn't even bother to throw water on it. )

Thus ends the entry on Lao New Year. Everything is reverting to normal. The streets are awfully quiet as most Lao people are recuperating from their exertions (and alcohol consumption) over the last few days.

In conclusion, of all the things I have witnessed during my travels, the Lao New Year is one of the strangest event. You see, the Lao people is usually a shy and polite people. They are among the most sincere and humble people I have ever met and the only time which I agreed with Lonely Planet. Truly, we can do with more "Lao-ness" in some of us. But every year during the Lao New Year, it is as the moon turns full which makes every polite Lao turns wild. Those juvenile delinquents became law breakers and outright defied social order and norms. I hate to say I am a prude but the number of men dressing up in bras and women's underwear is extremely disturbing for me. Perhaps it is represents subconscious defiance against poverty, lack of gainful employment, widening income gap in the society and a chance to rail against the dying lights of their ambition to be English-educated and breaking out of the poverty cycle. Or perhaps they just enjoyed an official excuse to be drunk and create trouble. You decide.

Lao New Year - War of the Worlds Part 1

Lao New Year or Songkran if you are in Thailand, used to be a time when people clean their houses, pay respects to elders and visit the temples to earn merits. The elders would then sprinkle some water down the young people's necks as a form of blessing. But somewhere down the road, some dumbasses took the "sprinkling" of water too literally. They started using water pistols, then super soakers and then went up to water buckets and finally, they brought out the damn water hose. The Lao people will then party along the roadside and when intoxicated with copious amount of beer, whisky and maybe other stuff, started dancing and acting silly. Here are some pictures taken with great risk to sanity and the price of a puncture tire.

Setthathirath road is lined with wild party animals.


A nice and wholesome party. It is still early in the day. Everyone is still nicely dressed - sort of.

Ahh, but sooner or later, drunk revellers started invading Setthathirath road and at this point, order quickly broke down. Nice jeep there, anyway.

Here comes all the "dyed hairs". Mud rockers wannabes and your average men in woman's clothes. Everyone swaying to some headbanging or old disco music which the average Singaporean would not be caught dead dancing to the tune of it. Zouk and MOS goers, welcome to Laos' version of a Zouk Out. Some more pics of ass-drunk and half naked Lao men.

(Help, I can't see because I am a dumbass who is wearing ink-black glasses)

Sooner or later, some dude will start wearing a bra and jump up and down on a table. It won't be Lao New Year if some dumbass doesn't start cross-dressing.

Everyone get drenched by trucks of crazily dressed Lao people. If you are a girl on motorbike, you have a snowball's chance in hell of staying dry. If you are a pretty girl on motorbike, well, you really shouldn't be on the road. Because, there will be dipshits which physically stop you on the road and try to drown you.

Pirates of the Caribbean exchanging salvos of water.

More crazy pictures of Lao New Year later. Before I go hunting for food again in my beat-up Toyota Tercel, I will post something I just saw which is symbolic of the general madness which seemed to be higher than last year's level. Take a look of this dude in crazy gold and blue wig dancing and laughing in the middle of the road. Nearly got sandwiched between a car and a lorry. Man, if I wasn't driving on a flat tyre when I saw this, I would be so tempted to run his sorry ass over.

Ode to KFC - Part II and the better food in Laos

"Joyous" pictures of Lao New Year later. I am pissed cos my car just got a flat tyre. I have to park my wounded car at my friend's place and borrow an ancient (1997) Toyota Tercel which looked like it has been through the mayhem of every Lao New Year AS WELL AS Operation Enduring Freedom since its creation. Does Toyota even make Tercel nowadays? Maybe for demolition derbies.

But since I felt bad at making someone threw away her dinner, I felt compelled to post some nicefood pics up. I crossed the border a couple of days back to get my KFC fix in view that it looked to be a long weekend in Laos.

Ahh, KFC in Tesco Lotus Nongkhai was absolutely deserted last night except for a bespectacled Thai lady reading a magazine while eating fried chicken all by herself. I am strangely turned on by a girl eating fried chicken.

Now behold the two-piece meal I bought. Note the free bottles of ketchup and chili lying on the table. Observe the fork and knife they give. Marvel at the nice large ceramic plates they give - one for you chickens and one for your fries. That's two solid nice ceramic plates. Holy macaroni. Is that good service for S$ 4 or what?

But that is not all. Remember what I said earlier that there is no way anyone could top that kind of service? Last night at KFC Nongkhai, KFC Thai staff just went over and beyond the call of service and duty to customers.

They started carrying tray of food to people's seats!

Let me repeat, they are serving food straight to people! After I paid, this service girl approaches me and asked me to go to my seat and she will carry the food to me! Awesome! And when you walked in, the staff actually bowed and welcomed you. Double Awesome!

I really can't say anything more complimentary and positive about the KFC in Thailand. Quite simply, you felt like you are eating in a five-star restaurant. I mean, I know of expensive restaurants in Singapore where waiters ignore you and wouldn't bother refilling your glass of water. Many times, I felt like throwing my bread roll at them in order to get some attention. In KFC Thailand, they treat you like royalty. Is there any doubt that KFC in Singapore sucks?

Now closer to home. Let me introduce to the whole world the best kept secret in Laos. My favourite restaurant in Laos and possibly on Earth. Remember, you hear it first on madnessreloaded. Introducing Inter-City Stonehouse restaurant. You can find it along the Mekong River. The restaurant is part of the Inter-City guesthouse owned by a Taiwanese businessman which is my friend. The interior is really chic and stylish.


The food is fusion-cuisine style and is cheap and awesome. The drinks and juices are fantastic. For US$2.50, introducing the awesome noodles with spare ribs. The bowl is so big, you can wash clothes in it. It sure beats your overpriced Crystal Jade noodles by a few miles and more. I am having the mango juice by the way. It rocks my world at only US$1.25.

Another thing great on the menu is the rice with porkchop. Sound mundane? Nothing special? Jjust take a look at the size of the ass kicking meal. For US$3.50, you get a healthy dose of local Lao papaya salad, half an egg, minced pork on top of your mould of rice and one GIGANTIC slice of spicy pork chop which should have been called the mother of all pork chops instead.

Perhaps the picture doesn't do the size of my favourite pork chop justice simply because of the size of the plate. A close-up.

And not to mention the awesome spicy chicken curry. This is equal to our Singapore style chicken curry with the meat so soft that it felt off the bone. That's frothy coconut juice by the way which I took half before remembering to take a picture of them all.

Let's take a closer look at the tender chicken drumsticks, shall we?

Sure beats eating fried rats eh?

Lao New Year (14 - 18 April) and things Lao people eat

Lao New Year, also known as Lao Pii Mai, falls on 14 to 18 April 2006. For those not familiar with Lao New Year, it is similar to the Thai festival of Songkran in which everyone throw water at each other to cleanse bad luck away. Lao New Year is the wildest part of the year here in sleepy Laos. Everywhere you go, there will be parties held outside the houses on the streets. There will be half naked drunk men wearing bras and panties dancing to hip music on tables. Not a pretty sight looking at fat men in bras and panties, I assure you. I also saw some guy in scuba gear once on the street last year. Trucks carrying armies of kids armed with supersoakers would engage in water fights on the streets like Pirates of the Caribbean. Some mean guy threw a plastic waterbomb at some kids. Oh wait, that was me. In short, it will be like Stars Wars Battlefront out there. If you walk on the streets, you are guaranteed to be wetter than a fish. Worse, some people threw icy water, flour and even paint. It is the one time in the year in which the Lao let their hair down and I do mean really down.

Most people leave Laos for the Lao New Year to avoid the chaos and basically avoiding "Lao people gone bad". Due to official commitments, I am "privileged" to be here to witness the chaos for the 2nd year in a row. Drats.

I dislike Lao New Year. Setthathirath road looks like a carnage scene from War of the Worlds. Oh, I appreciate the five straight days of holidays where I could catch up on sleep, play Stars Wars:Battlefront 2, finish my Harry Potter book and watch the entire series of Dai Chang Jin (Korea series) but I just hate dodging little girls who are hell bent on spraying me with their supersoakers. Most restaurants will be closed so foraging for food is going to be a problem. And the traffic. Like Thailand, this period of the year is when the traffic gets truly dangerous as people just throw water at motorcyclists causing them to swerve and crash. Many people died on the road during this period. Imagine, bleeding to death on the roads at the sound of revelry and water splashing. A real fun way to go. NOT.

I will post some pictures from last year and also from this year on this blog for posterity later.

Speaking about foraging for food, let me post some pictures of the stuff the Lao eat. (CO Alert : Digest your lunch proper first before reading further). The Lao people are tough and simple people. Like all developing nations, these people cook meals in the simplest ways and using little spices. All ingredients are natural and probably plucked from trees. An example - I just been to this Lao New Year party by the river over the weekend in which everyone eat this roasted calf which they put on a spit.

Look tasty? Not really though. First, there are no spices added. Second, the meat is pretty tough and unless you have teeth like sabretooth tigers, you will have no chance in hell in chewing the skin. I felt like Conan the Barbarian when I sliced off the meat from the roasted carcass myself. "ROOAAAR - SEE ME EAT THE MEAT OF MY HUNT! HA HA!" Some parts cannot be chewed through at all as the fat is pretty resistant to chewing.

See the Lao expert (not me) slicing the carcass down to its bones. You know, I am getting a pretty good education in cow parts in Laos.

On my way back from the party celebrations from the river, I stop by a wild-life market to take some pictures. The last time I came, the market was selling all kinds of rare and endangered animals from the forests e.g. civet cats and snakes. Before anyone started screaming blue murder at the Lao people for hunting these animals, let me remind everyone that Laos is a developing country for heaven's sake. The Lao tribesman have been hunting these animals for so long that it has became a tradition and way of living for them. More importantly, it is their only source of meagre income and also to barter trade for rice for their families up in the mountains. Animal rights lovers can shut it. Oh, by the way, these people eat dogs also. I tried it too and it is not too bad ( go try the grilled but please don't touch the steamed dog meat - it stinks). What are animal rights people and dog lovers going to do about that? Zilch. Na Na Na.


The famed and endangered Mekong Catfish. Look closely at the washing basin at the top and it should give you a good indication at the size of the fish. They are bloody huge, ain't they? Those squirmy things in sacks at the bottom are unfortunate snakes destined for someone's dinner.


Grilled rats on a stick, anyone?

Small dried sparrows and massive mushrooms. My driver bought quite a bit of those sparrows home for snacks.


Woman chopping things up and throwing things into a pot. Let's take a closer look at the pot.


Yep, that is the typical Lao stew. Welcome to Laos. Every part of a cow (such as spleen, liver, lung and heaven knows what) is throw into a pot to form a dark broth which tastes as "awesome" as it look. By awesome, I mean awful. Some people asked me why is it I lost weight in Laos. The answer should be obvious. I hope I did not ruin anyone's nice lunch at Delifrance or Starbucks. Stay tune for further updates on ant's eggs soup.

9.1% Growth - Round of Beer!

You heard of the figure of speech "oxymoron"? It is what happened when you add oxygen to carbon monoxide. Just kidding. Oxymoron is actually a conjunction of contradictory words e.g. " brave coward", "rich beggar", "military intelligence" (ha ha) and my favourite "civil war".

Why did I write about "oxymoron" today"? Because I just discovered its cousin in today's Straits Times. I called it by its chemical name - dumbass dioxide. 3 parts sulphur dioxide + 2 parts dumbass at 65 degrees burning = all BS.

You would have noticed from today's front page that Singapore's economy is "set to sizzle at 9.1% growth in the first quarter". 9.1%. Wow. To say that I am sceptical is to say that Michael Schumacher can drive fast. Or Channel 8 make bad shows. You know, most of us know what is going on here so economists should at least try not to insult our intelligence by making fantastic claims. It doesn't help to say that the estimates are based on the prior quarter on a seasonally adjusted, annualized basis. So what season you are using - winter? Stop trying to overwhelm us with obfuscating words designed primarily to cover the fact that you really don't know how the hell the figures come about. Just say"I have no clue where these people plucked the figures out from" and I would have tons of respect for you. Instead we have the following economists who keep saying the same things:

CIMB-GK's Economist - " This is the first time in years that we have seen such broad-based growth". Translation : I think the figures are plucked out of thin air but my job is on the line so I have to pretend to be knowledgeable about it. What can I say to make me sounds wise? Ah, I know. I will use the term "broad based growth" even though the construction industry has been bloody shrinking for years.

Standard Chartered Bank's economist - "Economy should slow in the second half when the US economy starts cooling, dampening global demand for electronics". Translation : I better cover my ass by making generalised comments. CO : You think?! Singapore's economy depends on US economy and global demand for electronics. Wow - I could swear I know that even without a god damn economic degree to tell me that. Can you believe the nerve of this guy? And this dipshit works for Standard Chartered Bank. No wonder StanChart blows ass nowadays. We should shoot all these hacks.

Hell, those economists might as well say it is 20% growth with free packets of chicken rice for everyone. The only way Singapore's economy could boom at 9.1% is if we discover oil beneath Sentosa.

And to make it worse, Singtel just laid off 200 of its workers in Australia. Wow, talk about contradiction in terms there. Dumbass dioxide anyone? Man, I am going to patent my new chemical discovery.

What I want for BCCNY (Birthday, Christmas and CNY)

I want to have a phone with the following:

(a) a Global Positioning System (GPS) which will tell me its location i.e. whether it is lying beneath the car seat, under the sofa or in the haversack of one of those goddamn phone thieves. This way, I can find the phone thief and introduce him to my seven-iron golf club. I might be bad at hitting a golf ball straight but I guarantee that I am a sniper when comes to killing phone thieves with a seven-iron;

(b) with a self exploding device implanted in it. Once it recognised that the finger prints of the person using it are not mine, it will emit the following text message on screen:

"The phone will self destruct in 5 seconds. . . . dumbass." BOOM. That goes your chances of playing "Swanlake" on the piano, dipshit. Unless you can play piano using your left fingers and toes exclusively.

(c) a Transformer phone. Like Megatron who instead turning into a gun, becomes a Nokia 6125 instead. Once he detects that the voice pattern of the user is different from mine, he will became a bad ass 30-foot robot and stomp the phone thief to a pancake.

In case anyone is wondering, yes, I lost my handphone. Twice in a year. There is someone out there stalking me (or my Nokia phones). Either that or Nokia deliberately sent out "phones retrieval" squads to steal back Nokia phones so that Nokia sales continue to boom. The strange thing is that I got an old Nokia phone which I have been trying to lose it but thieves consistently ignore it even though I always make it a point to leave it at the most conspicious places. Picky bastards.

I paid S$400+ for the old phone so I am still sore at it. What a way to burn my bonus. At the moment, everyone is behaving suspicious to me. My mind is filled with suspects and conspiracy theories. I think I will be sleeping with my seven-iron golf club tonight.