The Island - a two-hour shameless commercial

Movie Title : The Island
Movie Tag Line : "Plan Your Escape"
Actors : Ewan McGregor as Lincoln Six Echo (L6E)
Scarlett Johansson as Jordan Two Delta (J2D)

Normally before you watch a movie, you have to sit through 20 minutes of bullshit commericals from the likes of Coke, Calvin Klein, Johnny Walker, Tiger Beer, Carlsberg, Heineken, Hugo Boss and hell, maybe even Wendy's Burgers or Louis Vuitton (horror of horrors). This is not including companies such as THX blaring messages such as "The Audience is Listening" as if the audience doesn't know that. Wow, I am here to listen, thanks THX! Idiots.




Yeah, the above logo. You know how it goes, the lights dim, the screen lights up, a robot flies round the screen and tries to repair the T (or is it the H). Earthshaking vibrating sound ensues. The phrase "The audience is listening" appears and you think ooooh, you are in for an aural, as well as visual, experience. Way to go, THX! Which is actually bullshit since there is no difference in the visual and aural experience in watching the movie either at crowded Lido or deserted Empress in Clementi. So stop bluffing lah. "Different movie sound format" my foot.

Digression over. The commercials prior to the movie move so seamlessly into the movie itself that I didn't even know that the movie has begun. I though James Bond movies are bad but the number of sponsors which paid for an advertising space in this movie will make 007 drown his embarrassement in his dry martini. It is like an ode to consumerism. Just count them:

Nokia : Mcgregor made phonecalls with Nokia handphones. No Samsung in sight of course.
MSN : Both clones tried to look for their sponsors in a MSN phone booth.
Xbox : Both clones played a 2019 version of Virtual Fighters (which blows in real life btw and still look shit in the movie) on a futuristic Xbox simulated machine
Cadillac : Enough said.
Ben and Jerry and Mastercard

You know you are in trouble when the movie actually featured a real life commercial involving Scarlett Johansson as a Calvin Klein model. (You know, that part when Jordan Two Delta looked in amazement at a Calvin Klein commercial in LA City? That is actually a real commercial, people). The shamelessness of some people. Think about it, you pay money to watch a movie and actually has to sit through a real CK commercial midway through the show. Wow, if i wanted that, I would have stay home and watch TV. At least I could go make a cup of Ovaltine during the commerical. Bastards. The movie brainwashed me enough to make me go call my parents with my Nokia phone, surf the net with MSN, buy Ben and Jerry ice cream with my VISA (Mastercard still sucks!) and trade in my Playstation for an Xbox 360. No wait, even a brainwashed dumbass will not get a Xbox 360, potentially the worse gaming platform since Sega Saturn (curse you, Sega!). If you get one, congratulations, the number of games you could play could be counted on one hand. Not even Pac Man or Mario Brothers wants to be associated with high class platform rubbish.

As much as I like to diss other people and movies, I have got to admit that shameless advertising aside, the movie is pretty decent and throws up a pretty intellectual message to muse about. If we could clone ourselves, would we do it to harvest organs, skins and maybe even made the clone deliver babies for us (wow, talk about pure laziness on modern women's part. A new low.)? You know it, Captain Obvious know it. The answer is a resounding yes. Given that the director, the much maligned Michael Bay, is more famous for no brainer classics such as Armageddon, Pearl Harbour and the Rock, I am surprised that he could throw out such an intellectual bone for us to chew on. Years from now when the cloning debate reaches a crescendo, opponents of cloning will surely use this movie as an example of the evils of cloning. Not that it will do much good, of course, since you could never stop man's ambition to live however. Four million for a clone? I think many people out there could afford it.

That said, the movie tapers off immediately after the 45 minute mark when Lincoln Six Echo (L6E) discovers that there is no Island and they are clones to be killed and harvested. It is basically one big car chase with miraclous escapes from one situation to the next (the helicopter scene is a rip off from Matrix, I swear). The two clones run from everybody, police, mercernaries and hell, even themselves. Now, Captain Obvious, being a shallow guy, doesn't mind that since I watches anything with Scarlet Johansson. Watching J2D running around made my day. But be warned, the plot of the movie has holes so big that Titanic could sail through. Some parts of the movie are just ridiculous. Why did L6E retain his sponsor's memories? Err "human curiousity" explained the movie. How about human stupidity in making this half assed movie in the first place? Aargh.

Brothers Grimm - Bastardizing fairy tales since 2005

Movie Title : Brothers Grimm
Movie Tagline : Eliminating Evil since 1812
Actors : Matt Damon as Wihelm Grimm
Heath Ledger as Jacob Grimm

Merry Xmas to everyone. What better time than for me to start dissing the worst movie (based on fairy tales) in cinematic history? When I watched it a week ago on DVD, I discovered midway that my forehead is bleeding. I then realised that I have been headbutting the TV screen subconsciously in an effort to kill Matt Damon and his friends.

Watching Brothers Grimm is a "grim"endurance test. It is as if the director had made it a personal vendatta against all fairy tales and made it his holy grail to bastardize as many fairy tales written by the original German brothers as possible.

For those unaware of the real Brothers Grimm, the German brothers are well known for publishing collection of German fairy tales since 1812. Many of you would know these famous fairy tales:

a. Little Red Riding Hood h. Pipe Piper
b. Cinderella i. Gingerbread man
c. Frog Prince
d. Hansel and Gretel
e. Sleeping Beauty
f. Snow White
g. Rapunzel

and many many more.

The director Terry Gilliam managed to bastardize every single fairy tale the Grimm Brothers ever published by trying to squeeze them into a two hour movie. Many of these fairy tales characters appeared for a couple of minutes, say hi to the audience and then was captured by silly trees or some big bad wolf (ho ho, guess which fairy tale he came from) and then placed in some boxes. If you don't believe me, check out my summary of the movie and ask yourself how bad it is:

Grimm Brothers were asked to investigate a disappearnce of children. Red Riding Hood was picking flowers (not delivering food to her Grandma) when she was captured by trees. Hansel and Greta started looking for RRH but their breadcrumbs were eaten by pigeons. They were then captured by Big Bad Wolf who was subcontracted by the evil queen Rapunzel who combed her long hair on a big tower. Meanwhile a mud creature took over a village boy and mould him into a Gingerbread man (any connection with story ends here). Grimm Brothers found the tower, said "Mirror Mirror on the wall", defeated evil Rapunzel, kissed their sleeping beauty who was napping in a coffin so as to wake her. Somewhere along the way, they also have to kiss a puzzled frog to get out of the forest.

WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. GOING. ON.

The magnitude of irrelevance is staggering. The number of fairy tales the director tried to squeeze into the movie caused the show to look like a year end sale at Robinson : cluttered, disorganised and you just wanted to hit someone who took away the only good shirt on sale. It is an absolute mess and to make things worse, the director (in his desperation knowing that he had lost creative control of the movie direction) threw in werewolves, napolenic french general, psychotic (and irritating) mercenary and some cannons to create explosions. Midway through, you find yourself asking whether you bought a cheap porn movie by mistake and whether the Gingerbread man might start humping Rapunzel. Certainly, the drop dead Monica Belluci as Rapunzel (she is the awesomely babelicious Italian from Matrix Reloaded) is the only reason why anyone might even watch the show although be warned that she only appeared for a couple of minutes and spent the whole time combing her hair looking disinterested.

The actors also didn't appear to be interested in acting. Matt Damon and Heath Ledger looked like they don't give an arse about this flop and added in a love angle on their own. The audience (and I think even the director himself) was surprised at the end of the movie when it was revealed that the Grimm Brothers loved Angelika (a butt ugly huntress which played no discernible role in the movie except running everywhere screaming "Sasha! Sasha!"). By then the movie has ended and the audience has either fallen asleep or has fled next door to watch the Bollywood movie "Bride and Prejudice" which by the way is another monumental bad decision (ha ha).

Don't get me wrong - I am all for telling fairy tales the way it should be. Take Little Red Riding Hood for example. Does anyone else think that the story is stupid and a little . . . kinky? A wolf that liked to cross dress into a old woman? A girl who is bloody shortsighted and can't tell her grandman from a wolf in woman's clothings? Ooh "Grandmother, what big eyes you have!” “The better to see you with, my child,” says the wolf. “Grandmother, what big teeth you have!” remarks the girl. “The better to eat you with!” replies the wolf. Is this dumb or what? Someone eat the stupid girl already.

By the way, I read that the original ending of the Red Riding Hood fairy tale was that the wolf ended up as the victor and there was no happy ending i.e .evil wins. The wolf basically tricked little red riding hood into devulging the location of her grandma's house, then ate the grandma and the girl. The end. Ha Ha. According to the original story teller, Charles Perrault in 1697, the moral of the story was to warn young girls not to trust strangers even though they appeared gentle and could sweet talk. Now that is a good moral to a fairy tale. It is a pity that Grimm Brothers thought that the ending was too unpopular and changed it to a more palatable 'happy ending" with a passing woodsman killing the wolf and saving Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandman. Pussy.

Moral of this post : Don't watch this movie. There is no happy ending, trust me. It is better to be turned into a frog, molded into a gingerbread man, worked for seven dwarfs and delivered cookies to your grandma than to watch this disaster piece.

Old NKF and TT Durai - necessary evil or just evil

Before going on to make fun of more silly people and things (Brothers Grimm and silly Red Riding Hood, you are next!), I would just like to write about a topic while it is still fresh in everybody's mind. Years later when Captain Obvious becomes old and hard of hearing, at least this entry would remind me of the time I met T T Durai and the shortsightedness of my fellow Singaporeans.

I met T T Durai sometime in 1997 cos my dad required kidney dialysis. It was sort of a regulation back then that new NKF patients must be interviewed by the NKF CEO in order to determine the kind of financial support that he will get from NKF. Patients are advised to bring along his immediate family so as to show T T Durai the kind of support the said patient is receiving from the family. According to grapevine(true or not, I never did find out), a patient which could show up at the interview with a "loving family and hardworking children" will get the most rebates from NKF.

I recalled my bullshit detectors (although not as finely tuned compared to the present)ringing. How could a patient's rebates depend on how many family members you bring to the interview? And on what basis this CEO decides on financial rebates for poor taxi drivers like my dad? Some people might say "SO WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK?" Captain Obvious' response will simply be "It is not easy to ask when your father's life is at the mercy of a man, idiot".

Anyway, my excited father brought along everyone including my sister and her kids to Ayer Rajah (not too sure where now) Dialysis Centre for interview. He was confident that he will convince T T Durai. His son (me) is after a NUS student (It is a big deal in my family - although my longstanding position is that NUS blows and the less said about BEM/BRE or whatever shit they call the faculty now, the better).

When T T Durai first walked into the room, I never liked him. My first impulse was to stick out a leg and trip him. You know about those men which might be smiling but his eyes have all the warmth and colour of an iceberg? Yep, I was looking at one. He listened to my father went on and on for just a couple of minutes. He nodded a bit, smiled a little and then stamped and signed once on my father's file. Conclusion : no special help for my father. Same-o, same-0 with the rest of the new applicants.

So from that time on, I have been shouldering the bills of about S$1800 a month (minus medisave and some NKF rebates on medicine which I now discovered that it is overpriced in the first place anyway) and pay about S$800 a month. My dad was pretty devastated. I was not surprised though. I doubt the interview was anything other then to boost the man's ego.

People would therefore logically conclude that "YOU MUST REALLY HATE T T DURAI AND NKF RIGHT? ONLY 10 CENTS OUT OF A DOLLAR GO TO PATIENTS LIKE YOUR DAD."

Well, actually no.

Oh, don't get me wrong. If I see T T Durai, I will still definitely try to trip him. And perhaps deliver an elbow drop while he is down. But people right now are too emotional on the KPMG's statistics of "10 cents out of every dollar" and singing praises of the new NKF CEO. Some people are heralding the dawn of a new era, a slimmer and more transparent NKF and so on and so forth. As if the King has returned, and the forces of Mordor have been driven back to Mount Doom. Long live the Ringbearer! Bollocks.

Need I remind everybody that T T Durai manage to deliver an income of S$108 million last year. The combine revenue of other big five charities under MOH from SingHealth Endowment Fund to Bright Vision Hospital couldn't even come anywhere near NKF's figures. And on that note, what the hell is Bright Vision Hospital? Therein lies T T Durai's ability and vision. He is able to galvanise donors' support through creative measures such as utilising famous TCS stars and organised huge donation drives that is comparable to anything from the west. Those charity telethons from the US got NOTHING on TT Durai's NKF Drives. Every year I watch the donation drive on TV, I tell myself "This man might be a bastard, vain and arrogant like Shannon Doherty from Bevery Hills 90201, evil as my golf coach but he gets the god damn job done." What did KDF and Bright Vision Hospital do for their patients in terms of donation drives? Zilch. Zero. Nada. SPCA and others would love to get TT Durai as their boss. Instead they go around with dog-eared donation cards collecting 50 cents from people on the streets. I am glad my father is not under their version of shit management. I might even have to pay the full S$1800 a month! This might sounds outright machiavellian but if allowing certain members of NKF to profiteer would ensure my dad's life is saved, then so be it.

"BUT A SLIMMER AND TRANSPARENT NKF WOULD MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU PAY LESS FOR THEIR LOVED ONES' DIALYSIS EXPENSES!" Really, how would you know? You are just repeating things you read from textbooks and Straits Times. Some are already fellating the new NKF management (read ST's friday edition on how new HR director holds healing session for staff - ooh how nice and englightening). Don't count chickens before they are hatch and even then test them for bird flu, people. If you think carefully about it, yes, 10 cents out of every dollar might seem low. A slimmer and transparent NKF can perhaps utilise 50 cents out of every dollar. But what's the point if the new media shy NKF could only get 10% of previous pool of donors in post TT Durai's era? The absolute figure might even be lower. Sad to say, I think we would never see NKF posting a S$108 million annual revenue again. The new NKF might be fitter, transparent blah blah, but doesn't mean that it can actually do its primary duty - which is to help the patients and not perform healing sessions for its staff.

Not a popular entry. I would end off by saying Merry Xmas, TT Durai. You don't remember me but I sure remember you. Thanks for all the memories and everything. That said, sod off.

Shakira - Back to English classes!

I was trying to get into Xmas mood by listening to some soothing melodies. The place I am in is like Xmas-free zone. One of the few places on Earth that Santa has to look closely at an atlas for a couple of minutes to find its location. Afterwhich, he will call Fedex to deliver his presents instead as it is not worth sending his reindeers down.

There I was, minding my own business when I heard this song which many would have already known the words by heart. It was Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever".

Does anyone else think the lyrics are absolute rubbish? Not to mention that she was positively mumbling so much in the first few stanzas that I thought she was speaking a different dialect - probably Klingon language from Star Trek universe.

Now before anyone throw mud at me, Captain Obvious understand that I am making fun (or going to) of a successful 28 year old which has sold over 30 million copies and was named as UNICEF ambassador. I also admit that her songs have a nice beat and she had managed to combine Latin beat, rock, pop and discography into one pretty palatable spanish tortilla. Bienvenidos!

"SO WHY ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF THE SONG?" Some might ask. Simply because I know rubbish lyrics when I hear it. Take this obvious lyrical disaster for example.

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
So you don't confuse them with mountains.

WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. THAT.

When I heard that, I almost fell out of my chair and hit my head on the keyboard, possibly losing enough blood to pass out and miss the whole holiday season.

There is no meaning to the lyrics. How could any man confuse her breasts with mountains? HOW? Unless her boyfriend is blind or is an obsessive mountain climber which likes to come to the bed with a couple of grappling hooks. Even if her boyfriend is blind, is it even possible to confuse the two things. Unless mountains in Colombia traditionally have nipples.

And the first stanza constitutes a disaster by the standard set by Queen's English:

Lucky that that you're born that far away so, we could both make fun of distance.
Lucky for my love of a foreign land for, the lucky fact of your exsistance.

I know Shakira is trying to rhyme "distance" and "existence" but this is just weak. Not to mention making fun of distance is just . . . silly. What did kilometres and miles ever do to Shakira that she has to make fun of metric units? And what does love for a foreign land got to do with fact of her boyfriend's existence? Wow, I fortunately like Spain so lucky for Fann Wong's existence???? Someone kill me now.

Friend told me that this was an English song and not one of her spanish songs translated into English. If this is true, it is even more unforgivable. At least, if this is a translation, I could blame her translator. Hey Shakira, spend some of those millions, and get someone to proof read your weak-ass lyrics. Sheesh.

And I will change her chorus from:

Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together. I'll be there and you'll be near and thats the deal my dear.

to

However, don't matter, I could only do bread and butter. I can't cook and the steak is raw and that's your meal my dear.

Merry frigging Xmas, Shakira. Stick to Spanish Songs.

Madness in Japan

As the inevitable day approaches when I am finally appointed King of the Universe (although I must admit that the joyous day has been coming a tad too slow for my liking), I looked back at the various complex questions which has flummoxed the greatest minds of our time.

a) Why am I here? (This one easy, to make life difficult for LV lovers)

b) Could we create computer with human intelligence? (Already here, Microsoft XP which has the irritating paper clip which asks stupid questions and like to hide when you really need help. How much more human could it be? Anything more human, it will write my reports, drink beer with me and cook a steak - medium well and no bullshit tobasco sauce, please)

c) Can the laws of physics e.g. gravity, electromagnetism and particle mechanics be unified into a theory? (I will unify them when I am free)

d) Is there a Santa Claus? i.e a fat man who decided that he should spend his Xmas away from his fat wife (and who could blame him), hang out with cute elves and disturb everybody by dropping down through the chimneys, steal cookies and milk, sniff other people's socks, sieve through the locals' porn collection and leave a half eaten candy in some kid's sock. (You think?)

e) Darren "can't even pass the ball 2 metres but made a brilliant 100 yards pass . . . to the opposition" Fletcher. Why? (Man, even I in all my greatness, have no answers for this man)

f) Why would a Singaporean girl stand in the middle of Orchard Road and snap pictures? (Oh yeah, I am talking to you. Yes, you vanilla at the back. Siao ah. This was how dodo birds got extinct. They just stand in the way of the approaching comet saying "ooh . . .pretty lights" when the mastodons were running for the hills).

But even with my considerable intellect, and lets admit it - I am nothing short of omnipotent and omniscient, I could not quite fathom girls' love for LV. And Singaporean girls are not the only ones. According to a report on the internet, 10% of all LV products are sold in Japan. Japanese girls in their pursuit of LV bags are even stranger. Singaporean girls merely throw their whole month's salary on LV bags but Japanese girls are willing to sell their bodies.

In Japan, the practice of enjo kosai, which translates literally as ‘assisted dating’ is prevalent. Studying girls – usually high school but occasionally middle school girls – meet with older men, strangers, and date them in exchange for expensive designer label gifts or the money to buy them. And LV turns out to be one of the all time favourites the girls like to ask for in return for sex. What usually happens are that on these Internet boards, an interested man simply types in something like, “$600 for dinner and sex”, leaves a phone number or email address, and waits for a reply. A girl might reply and ask for a particular LV Monogram bag instead. There are no middle men and and no one is forced into the transaction.

Let me digress a little and talk about this practice. The motivation for the men is understandable. Sex is a powerful motivation for men. Many men walk around with a "Lolita complex" - defines as the sexual attraction to underage girls or ephebophilia. Despite the high sounding name, it is in reality another version of pedophilia. These men get turned on by 15 year old girl in sailor moon uniforms, heavy make up, shirt skirts and high white socks. You could also see these girls by the hundreds in Tokyo, hanging out at train stations and along Roppongi road. I remember going to Tokyo once and man, it is not a nice experience to be surrounded by these girls. Captain Obvious has to keep saying "No money not japanese no money" like a magic spell to ward off these LV/Gucci/Hello Kitty/Pokemon lovers. Man, all I want is to get a bowl of noodles.

Men's motivation - understandable. But what about the girls motivation? Why is getting a LV bag such a strong motivation for them to sell their youth and body? According to www.crikley.com, these girls are almost always from relatively stable middle class families. They are not selling themselves to survive but to finance shopping sprees.

This leads us to the third reason as to why girls love LV. Nobody would sell their body to make a bloody fashion statement or just to rub other girls' noses in it (previous posts - reasons A and B).

Reason C : The girls are chasing a dream - the dream that they belong to an elite class of ladies in this era of social classes.

This is pretty sad really. Captain Obvious loves stating the obvious and it is obvious to everybody that our society is evolving into a society of classes. It is not just the simple theory of upper, middle and low classes anymore. Class divides are getting more pronounced and complex. Middle class working men and women try to claw up the ladder to upper class platform, only to find out that the ladder is greased and someone is pouring boiling oil from above. Think Orlando Bloom pouring boiling oil on Islamic soldiers (Saracen infantry) at the gates during the defence of Jerusalem.

Singaporeans in lower classes are worse off. They have a snowball's chance in hell (i.e. zilch) when they try to climb the step ladder to middle class. Imagine orcs trying to climb the ladders up Helm's Deep while being shot at by Orlando Bloom and his elfin archers. Even if you manage to climb to the battlements with couple of arrow sticking out from your chest, Aragon is there to cut your head off. And behind you, Rohan Heavy Calvary is coming to stick a lance up your ass. Wow. Talk about being between the biblical rock and a hard place.

In scenarios like this, people started to look for ways to join the elite. If you don't have money or rich husbands, at least get a expensive bag. Girls from middle and lower classes thus buy LV in order to feel that they "belonged" in the elite class. They could look at others and say "she might be pretty but she doesn't have a LV. Not elite lah. She will probably spend her life waiting tables at Starbucks. Heh heh. I have a LV and I am an elite!" This is even though they are just 15 to 21 year old poly/JC students who got a tiny income from working part time as telemarketers or mascots for football teams. Having a LV helps to maintain their elitism fantasy and help them forget the truth. That they are middle and lower classes and never going to make it big in life because our society has went topsy turvy in its class distinctions.

You might not want to take Captain Obvious' word for it (although I am always right and I will rule the universe someday). Take the word from Takeshi Murakami, creator of the LV multicolored line. Ever ask yourself why the Multicoloured line is completely different from class LV designs? In Murakami's review of a fantasy Japanese movie, it reveals his thinking on life. Murakami notes that it's about fantasy - the fantasy of value. "For girls, famous brands are equal to their fantasy."

Make your day - laugh at women carrying LV bags

The strange abhorrence against LV products stems from my general suspicion that its immense popularity is all down to its logo (LV).

Either that or Louis Vuitton made a pact with the dark side. In exchange for his soul, Louis Vuitton got adulation, admiration and basically, undivided loyalty from all women for the next century (yes, for more than a hundred years). Not even Winston Churchill or Davy Crockett (the first American comic superhero who fought and died at the Alamo) got this sort of dog luck. Hell, come to think of it, I would do the same if I were in Louis' shoes (or LV sandals in this case). Which man, pray tell, wouldn't want women to think fondly of you everytime they caress their handbag or smooch their wallets?

Since I have no evidence that Louis Vuitton made a pact with the dark side, I shall grudingly conclude that the logo is the basis of the luxury brand's success. But that lies herein the complicated question. What is it about the logo that attracts women like flies to honey? like Beckham to a bad fugly haircut?

Some women and many gays might stop me right that and yell "BUT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, IT IS NOT JUST THE LOGO. THE BAGS SERVES A UNIQUE FUNCTION WHICH OTHER BAGS COULD NOT". Unique my behind. What a load of rubbish. Some luxury goods are worth the price because it serves a functionable purpose. Merino wool is expensive because it is of exceptional quality, light and provides good insulation. (I know, cos my vest kept me from freezing into a ice cube on top of a glacier in NZ). Golf clubs like Titlelist or Nike are expensive compared to your average China made products (ever heard of Ni De, ha ha) for a reason. Taylor Made new R540 XD golf drivers can help to hit a ball off the tee to 350 yards and more and cost you a arm and a leg at US$500. Even a bloody mercedes benz (with its distinctive three pointed stars) can be said to be a technically great car on the road. Of course, driving a mercedes benz in Singapore is basically issuing an open invitation to all green eyed working men to heave a brick through the window or at least scratch your car from front to end with a coin or key. Ouch.

Or even bird nest. It is expensive because people from Guangdung and Fujian provinces have to risk their lives to climb high cliffs and fetch nests of swiftlets. It is supposed to be good as a tonic for ladies to improve their complexion and balance their yin and yang. Of course, ladies no longer need such tonics. One look at a LV Multicolored bag and their complexion will turn rosy. Of course, their bank balance won't well, balanced though.

But LV? I lump LV bags in the same category with Ralph Lauren polo shirts. The category called "useless, stuck-up, expensive and if you buy it, you deserve a drop kick from me". For those ignorant or blessed ones, Ralph Lauren polo shirts are the plain ones with a lousy small symbol of an idiot on horse playing . . . . polo. For one shirt with a neligible logo, it costs a freaking US$65. What? Why? I felt the shirt and it is not of better quality than any other shirts on the market. The logo is dumb, I mean c'mon it is a man on a horse with a stick for heaven's sake. You might as well put Fiona Xie or Fann Wong's picture on it. At least I could hang it on the wall and gaze at it.

LV blows. Its design sucks. LV Multicoloured designs look like some coloured blind kids got their hands on crayons and given the creative liberty to go wild on a canvas. I once puked on my bathroom floor after downing seven glasses of whiskey BL on the rocks. My puke design looked very similar to the LV Multicoloured design. Hell, it looked more artistic and I contemplated sending it to LVMH for their consideration. At least it will cost less than an authentic Multicoloured Speedy 30 at US$1200. Holy shit. And I just heard that bags off Damier and Mongram lines are not even real leather but vinyl coated canvas made to look like leather. Double holy shit.

So if it is not design or functional purpose, what is the charm in the two letters LV? Bottom line, there are no sane reasons why girls like to carry LV bags except:

(a) to make a fashion statement like those idiots who love to wear Ralph Lauren or heaven forbid, Banana Republic shirts.
(b) to make other girls green with envy with the latest bag from Damier or Monogram lines or heaven forbid, a Multicoloured (gasp).

There is another reason (c) but I will get to it at the next post.

In essence, next time you see a lady carrying a LV bag, feel free to exercise your right to laugh at her for spending more than US$1000 in trying to make a fashion statement which frankly, nobody cares. If she is carrying a LV multicoloured, try puking on her. You will be improving the bag's design. She will thank you for it. Possibly.

Madness all around

Let me rephrase - I see mad people who like LV.

Apparently my friend over at Vanillalouisvuitton is not the only one. I discovered to my dismay that the modern world is filled with shrieking working girls who would melt into a puddle at the mere sight of a LV Multicolour or Speedy something something. I know I have fallen asleep at the wheel for this one but I have decided to do something now to stop this decadent trend of grown, intelligent women fawning over a bag made of cow skin. Or goat skin. whatever lah. It could be made from phoenix feathers and blessed by the pope for all i care.

Those who say "BUT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SMART INTELLIGENT WOMEN. SURELY THEY WON'T SPEND THEIR LIFE SAVINGS ON A HANDBAG?" Oh but they will. Check out these '"intelligent" comments from intelligent women at the sight of the new LV Batignolles (go see www.purseblog.com)

Woman A : I love your handbags!!!!!!! (so many exclaimation marks for what?)

Woman B : I LOVE Louis Vuitton bags. They are timeless and will never go out of style so it’s worth it to get at least one in your lifetime! (Timeless so why did you keep on buying one after the other, idiot)

Woman C : your bags are really nice! and i would rock them any time! (how to rock a bag?)

Woman D : I just got this bag for next semester It can fit my laptop and a few small books. (go get a backpack, dumbass)

Woman E : just how exactly do you pronounce Batignolles ? (typical stuck up girl who buy LV and act French so that she will look highclass. Ooh, look at this, Batignolles - French leh. Well, can you say Dumbass in French?)

Woman (or gay guy) : oooo….pretty…. (a severe headache occurs straight after reading this which forces me to lay down and contemplate breaking Louis Vuitton's fingers)

I will write more when the pain in my frontal lobe subsides.

I see mad people.

Falalala.