Back to Form - the LV Bondage bag

Saying something decent about LV has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth - like I have been chewing bittergourd and drinking bitter coffee. The best way to get over it is either to visit KFC in Thailand and get a bucket of chicken (original) or revert to true form and say something bad about LV. Guess which way I choose?

Saying something bad about LV is easier than taking candy from children. You just go to the net and choose any LV product to rant about. Everywhere you surf, you will find some dumbasses who have happily put up pictures of their LV bags for the world to laugh at. It just so happened that Vanilla has given me permission to use one of the pictures in her blog which is basically, a religious shrine for LV worshipping. If her blog is a high-rise building, I should be the one piloting a 747 crashing into it while laughing manically. Introducing the latest LV shitbag from hell, specially for people who love bondage.

I have no idea what it is or the name of the bag's model. Knowing LV, it will be named after pretentious places such as LV Casablanca or LV Beverly Hills. You can bet it won't be called LV Ang Mo Kio Street 21. I have seen this bag around but I was too paralysed by fear and loathing to actually comment on it.

The design for one, is well . . . odd, and that is putting it nicely. Intricate chains splashed all over the bag with LV words placed (strategically or randomly - you decide) at certain spots. Coupled with the occasional keys and padlocks motiffs are the four-leaf clovers which LV designers loved. Right smack in the middle of the bag from hell is a real padlock designed for carriers to, perhaps lock their virginity in it. I strongly suspect this bag evolved from the old chastity belts which medieval kings made their queens wear when they were away on campaigns. In essence, it is a bag suitable for the following:

(a) people who have a serious security issue. They are paranoid of being robbed and wanted their bags to convey the impression that it is "unrobbable" and "unopenable" with tons of chain and padlock designs. So go carry a safe, stupid;

(b) ex-prisoners who missed being locked up and put in chains;

(c) kinky people who watched way too many badly produced sex videos and are into chains and bondage sex play. Oooh, spank me. Dumbass. Oh and by the way, stop watching sex videos.

(d) your usual LV addicts who buy anything with the logo of LV on it.

Conclusion : Just looking at this bag managed to trigger my gag reflex. This bag made Murakami designs looked like Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. And you know how I feel about Murakami. If someone gives you this bag, lock it up and throw the key away please.

Gasp - LV stuff which I think is ok (until I see the price tag)

Today is a red letter day. Mark it down as it is the one and only entry in four months which CO actually talked about a LV product which I think looks decent and maybe, just maybe, is worth buying for guys. Maybe. Read CO's review below and make your own decision. Introducing . . . .

THE LV Geometrique Cufflinks. These cufflinks come straight from the Spring/Summer collection of 2006 and is basically a large V with strips (Seriously, what other words do you expect from LV?).

Here is the objective analysis : It doesn't look as gay as the rest of LV products for men.

Here is the emotional analysis : It is a good talking point. Dimwits will walk up to you and say"Hey, what does the V in your cufflinks say?" You can either answer (a) "I am a secret member of the Da Vinci Order for lost dumbasses" and ask him to say the password to confuse him; or (b) "Cos I am smooth as Velvet (yeah right)" and try to use it as a pick up line at Velvet.

But here is the all important cost-benefit analysis : It still costs a whopping US$355 for a pair of cufflinks which, although doesn't look so gay, still make you look like a dumbass with too much money to spend. US$355 for a pair of metal clips to fasten your shirt cuff? Please. Stop trying to insult my intelligence and manhood. I have more respect for men who stapled their shirt cuff together than those pretentious slobs who walk around with a LV cufflink.

Conclusion : One thing for sure, V doesn't stand for Value for Money. Unless I see the same cufflinks at Bangkok's Chathuchak market going at 100 baht (US$4), you won't see me wearing this shit. Pass.

Ode to KFC (in Thailand)

Today is a bad day. Bad golf day yesterday which have several "unspeakable" holes. I hit everything that a golfer could possibly hit; trees, sand bunkers and even stray goats that were grazing peacefully until my golf ball whizzed past their ears. Needless to say, hilarity did not ensue. By the way, which dim-wit would plant so many trees in the middle of the golf course anyway? Are we supposed to play golf or play Woody Woodpecker? I felt like a Super Mario Brother trying to save his princess whenever I tried to navigate through the forests during golf play.

Usually when something that embarrassing happens to me, I visit a fast food restaurant. Normally, this mean forking out S$1 (or is it S$1.20) for an apple pie at McDonalds at Clementi Interchange as I munched on my way back. When it is a really bad day, it would be a box of 6 pieces of Chicken McNuggets from KFC. When it is a truly forgettable day, well . . . . let's just say that I usually walked home with a bucket.

However, being in Laos have made me realised one home truth, namely;

KFC in Singapore sucks.

Btw, there is no fast food restaurants in Laos. Before anyone gasped and dropped their coffee latte in shock (which pussy Singaporean pay S$5 for their coffee?), please remember that Laos is still a communist country in name and the people here earn US$20 a month. An LV bag is easily a policeman's two years salary. Do you really think that a Lao person could therefore afford US$2 to buy a cheeseburger with coke? These people here survive on $0.05 a meal which consists largely of home-cook rice (over a simple charcoal pot), some chilies and whatever stuff they could pluck from trees or from the Mekong river.

(Try coming to set up a fast food shop here, Ronald McDonald or Colonel Sanders)

I usually have to cross the border every two weeks to do grocery shopping in Thailand since everything in Laos is imported and is just too expensive. A Haagen-Daz ice-cream cost an arm and a leg - which is about US$20 in Laos. I usually take the opportunity to eat at KFC every two weeks when I visit Nongkhai - the nearest Thai town over the border.

And KFC in Thailand is fantastic. It is old style KFC establishment which means:

(a) your fried chicken come on a beautiful ceramic plate;

(b) bottles of chili sauce and ketchup on the table itself. So that is no need to go on your knees begging to the counter staff or trying to prostitute yourself to get a few more packets of ketchup. Go ahead, knock yourself out.

(c) it comes with metal knife and fork. Yeah, beat that, Singapore.

(d) there is free refill of water anytime. Jugs of ice water are sitting everywhere so there is no need to pace yourself sipping your coke or trying to eat ice to quench your thirst. Thai KFC staff patiently walk around refilling everyone's glasses with ice water. I mean, is that good customer service or what?

All these for 99 baht which is about S$4 for a two-piece meal. Can anyone beat that in terms of value for money? The only way to top that is to screen porn movies for free at KFC restaurants. Just kidding. Porn movies will distract me too much from the fried chicken.

KFC Singapore sucks. It used to be that KFC in Singapore was like those in Thailand. I should know - I used to work part time at KFC long time ago. Now we have long replaced ceramic plates with cheap paper boxes and the metal cutlery had since disappeared. You practically has to do a ninja-style hijacking run to get some servettes or extra packets of ketchup/chili sauce. I mean, can we become more cheapskate or what? And why does those dumbasses behind the counter in Singapore kept giving me the evil eye look everytime I want some extra chili sauce? Holy shit, I am just asking for extra chili sauce and not asking for sex. You practically have to beg those dumbasses to get some service. And God forbid, if you ask them for thighs and drumsticks only (gasp, the horror). Oh, and while I am at it, which dumbass only eat breast meat anyway? Aargh.

And what's with using paper boxes or plates for fried chicken? I get turned off just watching the oil from fried chicken soaking through the paper plates and that transparent piece of paper they put at the bottom of boxes - which remains a mystery to this day why they even bother. I wish I have thought of taking pictures of the KFC restaurant in Thailand but I was busily doing my once-every-two-weeks fast food binging thingy.

I used to think that Singapore is the best in everything. Fast food, cinemas etc. No more. KFC in Thailand = paradise. Don't even get me started on comparing the cinemas in Singapore and Thailand.

Days like these that make you ponder

(This is going to be a serious entry, so buckle up your seat belt and don your flak armour).

It is days like these which make you sit down and ponder whether the world has gone mad. Moments like these which make you look around and wonder whether aliens have came down on Earth, body-snatched everyone overnight but somehow missed you (maybe they like dumbasses only) leaving you the only thinking human walking around, wondering why is everyone acting/talking slightly dfferently.

Do you ever have the feeling that you are different from the rest (and I don't mean religion or your sexual preferences for gay cowboys)? It is like the Matrix in which Neo kept walking around, having a feeling that something was wrong but couldn't quite put his finger on it. Everything is normal, everyone is walking about as usual and yet . . . .you know that something is very, very wrong.

Today is one of these days. Go read any newspaper today like the Lianhe Zaobao, the Statesman (India) or CNN.

"Bangkok's primary Hindu deity destroyed by mentally ill man"
"Shrine attacker beaten to death"
"Man lynched for desecrating shrine"

In short, a mentally ill muslim man destroyed the four-faced buddha at the Erawan Shrine in Bangkok with a hammer. The mentally ill young man was homeless and broke into the shrine on early Tuesday morning and destroyed the four-faced buddha. A few buddhist followers were so angry that they beat the madman to death. I repeat, they BEAT him to death.

In case you have never been to Bangkok, the four-faced Buddha ("Tao Mahaprom") at Erawan shrine is probably the most famous buddha image in Thailand. Everyone goes there as it is a public shrine. You might have heard of the (in)famous story in which a Thai woman promised to dance naked infront of the Buddha if she struck lottery. She did and therefore got caught in a dilemna since she had no intentions of dancing naked in public. She tried to wriggle out of it but was warned by several famous monks that dire retributions would befall her if she did not fufil her promise. In the end, the government stepped in and arranged for the shrine to be curtained off from the public (the Erawan shrine is just round the corner of the Erawan Hotel, at a busy traffic junction)so that she could dance naked. Thus the four-faced Buddha became famous overnight for being a most "effective" Buddha for fulfilling wishes. Hordes of worshippers visit it everyday hoping to have their wishes for money fufilled. I have been there just to see what the fuss is all about. I basically ended up yawning (and frowned by a few Buddhist followers) and ended up at McDonalds next door.

Some called the Buddha "effective", I just called the Buddha, downright lecherous. I mean, you grant the wishes of dubious woman in return for a naked dance. What about all these poor women who came to you, hoping for some money for food, cures for their sick children or hope that their husband would stop gambling? Tons of people give you flowers everyday and you chose to fulfill the wish of a dubious woman promising a lap dance? Another dumbass god. You are a god, you live in Bangkok, so go visit Patpong or Sukhomvit Soi 21 if you are into gay cowboys already. Stupid.

But what made this whole incident surreal are all the newspaper reports which chose to focus on why this is a bad omen (politically) for the embattled Thai PM Thaksin and how the statue is going to be replaced (made of metal this time). Articles are devoted to what should be the essence of the new building materials (9 types of metal). Some dumbass astrologer said " The Brahma has four faces and now there are apparently four sides in the country. . . Now that the sacred Brahma statue is destroyed, the country's economy may suffer."

Erm, excuse me. Did all these newspapers just miss the big picture, like, let me make a wild guess, that A MAD MAN WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN PUBLIC FOR SIMPLY HAMMERING A BUDDHA STATUE? Am I the only one who is sad that a mad man got lynched in public simply because he had a mad obsession with beating up a Buddha statue? What is the mad muslim's background? Who knows what went through the mind of a homeless mad man as he decided to take a hammer to the statue? What went through his mad mind the last few minutes of his pained existence as he was beaten to death? I hoped his end was quick and they did not make him suffer.

There is something truly wrong with the media world which choses to brush over the murder of a mad man and focuses on the peripherals such as political omens, astrology and the next building materials. Who cares about the stars signs? I don't care whether the star signs spell "HOLY SHIT" in the sky. What about those guilty of first degree murders? It was hardly mentioned. It is not as if the mad man just killed a child, all he did is to hammer a religious statue. In Singapore, we have child killers popping up left and right and we still let the law run its course even though many of us probably want to stone the murderers. Now, that's the hallmark of a great civilisation. A mad man was murdered today without understanding the crime he committed - that's the real tragedy which the newspapers all missed.

Hands up if you can remember the value of π

An OMG moment just happened which made me drop my cup of coffee and sat there awestruck. No, Pamela Anderson didn't walk pass me and do the V-sign. I just read that a US high school student just recited 8,784 digits of PI -π .

If you don't know what is PI, you possibly didn't complete primary school. And still don't know how to calculate the area of a circle. PI is the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle - in other words ,the infamous 3.14159265358979323846. . . Back in school, most of us got lazy and just use 3.1416. People who were lazy to an epic level (in other words, Captain Obvious) use 22/7 which on hindsight, might explain why my answers are always pretty far off then the rest. Area of circle = πr2, remember?

So this 15-year old kid, Gaurav Rajav (judging by the name, must be of Indian origins), manages to recite 8,784 digits of PI. He was aiming for 10,790 digits but he got stuck somewhere at 8700 range. I think all of us can sympathise with him. I mean, I lost track of the PI digits after, oh I don't know, the THIRD DECIMAL PLACE and this Indian kid actually went on to recite 8,784 digits. Loser. The amazing thing is that you would think a person who can recite 8,784 digits of PI should be in the Guiness Book of Records for having the most wonderful memory in the world as well as being a dumbass with zero social life. But nooo . . .apparently he was just no.12 in the world and third in the US! So there were a lot of weird dumbasses out there in the world!

It also shows how far has science progresses to that stage where we have a kid who can recite 8,784 digits of PI. The Bible itself states π = 3 (some passages in Kings 7:23 when some dipshit try to explain to King Solomon the use of a basin. It also showed that ancient Jews were not exactly big on decimal place). Babylonians had the value at 3.125 and the ancient Chinese scholars got it close at 3.1415926.

Any way, I was thinking whether how many Singaporean kids would be as strange as the Indian kid to set your mind to do something like this? When I was 15, I was mainly concerned with scoring 100 on every exams and memorising every single question in the 10-year series. Ooh, I ace the O-levels all right but to be honest, I am still not exactly sure what π really means. It looks like a cool symbol, sort of like the symbol of pain in Dungeons and Dragons. Many will say "Who cares what PI means and how many digits it has? Just use a calculator to show π, stupid." True. But you got to admire the Indian kid's determination and plain weirdness in trying to remember 10,000 digits. There are just not enough weird dumbasses among Singaporean kids anymore. We don't have kids which do strange curious things like stare at a lightbulb, poke frogs or lizards or try to remember as many digits of π as possible. Singaporean kids just ain't that curious anymore. They memorise the answers and go home to play World of Warcraft. Real inspiring, dumbasses. The future of the nation is in safe hands or specifically, the hands of kids who probably don't know what π really means but know how to defeat an army of orcs with human knights in gnomish balloons. Or defeat Jinpaichi using Asuka's 10 hit combos in Tekken 5. Stupid.

When is the last time we heard of a young and upcoming Singapore scientist? Some might ask, "What Singapore scientists? We have already being over-ran by Indian scientists and engineers, idiot". And you might be right.

Blogs - I am not laughing with you. I am laughing AT you.

Don't you just love blogs? Being new to the blogsphere (i do hate this term), I read more than a couple of popular blogs to see what's the big deal about them. Yes, I have a voyeur streak in me but then so does everyone else who read people's blogs. We don't want to read success stories though. We want to read about really screwed up people having bad days, getting dumped . . . etc. It pains me to read 99% of the blogs out there which say nothing of interest, has the opinion of a door knob and belongs to the following three categories:

(a) Lame-ass, boring "I do this and eat that" blog.

A real example:

"Miss X : Today, I skipped breakfast because I was rushing for work and during lunch, I had only Cantonese century egg porridge at Lau Pa Sat with my China colleague. I had no dinner before my workouts though I enjoyed a red bean popicle just before the session. Had rice with chicken, steamed green veggies and carrot soup at home

Oh what joy it is to hear that Miss X have Century egg porridge and an awesome red bean popicle! WHO THE HELL CARES WHETHER YOU HAVE RICE WITH CARROT SOUP? Stop wasting internet's bandwidth on your boring-ass blog. I repeat-you are blogging about carrot soup. How boring ass could you get? At least use some adjectives when writing about the carrot soup. Is it good? Do you feel like a bunny? Do I need to hit you on the head with carrots? The internet is already becoming too cluttered with people who just dumped details of their boring life on their blogs. If I wanted to know about details of boring lives, I just look at the mirror at myself. When I stumble onto such a blog, I usually grabs the nearest holy item (not the bible since I have decided to become an athetist some time ago to spite all the dumbass Christians which kept telling me I am bound for hell - yeah right) which happens to be a can of beer, ward off the demons of boring evil, reload my browser server and fight the temptation to take a bath to wash the dirt away from my eyes.

(b) Repetitive Photo-whoring blogs

Blogs with so little (or declining) substance that they keep putting up the same inane pictures on their blogs to disguise the utter lack of opinions or interesting topics. Stupid. I read this blog once which the girl (why is it always the girls) keep putting up pictures of her baby niece. Pictures of her sitting, smiling, crying and drawing cute captions over her head. It makes me sick. Stop wasting bandwidths, dolts. If all the pictures you have is that drooling baby, here's an ingenious thought - "GET AN ALBUM". Put up pictures only if you are engaging in interesting activities like pole-dancing naked or completing the last stage of Resident Evil 4 or something. Which I did - last night (not pole dancing you douchebag).

And we all know our favourite blogger in Singapore who has since drop all pretensions to be a serious blogger and just try to overwhelm everyone's senses with pictures of herself, pictures of Zouk / MOS / Some funky shitty pub which the rest of the world don't bother and more pictures of herself. Here's a tip - It is refreshing when you do it for the first time, but not No.112382 you dumbass. How many smoky images of MOS could a person take before he or she screams in pain? MOS is smoky and there are dumbasses dancing - okay, I get it. I don't mind it so much when she talked about controversial issues - at least it is some substance and something she feels strongly (although wrongly) about. But if you look up photo-whore in the dictionary, I suspect we will see her face nowadays. By the time, I managed to view her blog after my server finished downloading the 346927 pictures, I have flown to Paris, thrown a rock at a LV store and flown back. Not to mention inventing a new source of clean energy emission. Pull up your socks dipshit - you used to be interesting.

(c) The Lovey Dovey, Turn-Left, Turn-Right Blog

AAHHHHH . . . My favourite blog to hate. The one which I grimly read on everyday, not because I like the blog but because I wanted to see the bloody ending which this girl will come to. Welcome to the world of Lovey Dovey, Turn-Left, Turn-Right Blog where girls (is this a pattern here?) write loving entries about how they love their boyfriends, what nice things they do for each other and how their love will stand the tests of times, endure the rotting of mountain and outlast the ocean. Bullshit like that.

A real life example of a girl which has the temerity to write a Turn-left, Turn right story of how she met her boyfriend and how much she loves him.

"Once upon a time, there was a boy, named Boy, and a girl, named Girl.Boy and Girl were born 14 days apart, at the same hospital.And, that marked the beginning of their paths that never crossed . . . They were so near to each other, yet they never met. Soon, they met. By chance. They finally met. After 20 long years of revolving around each other, all it took was 20 short days for them to be together."

Awww shucks. So romantic. Calling each others Boy and Girl. Comparing your love story to the movie Turn Left and Turn Right.

Don't you just know something bad is going to happen to these romantic dumbasses? Yep, you are right. Girl later GOT DUMPED and if you read her blog now, she is bitching non-stop about the same boy and complaining about her agony. What happen to Turn-left, Turn-right now, stupid girl? How about Turn-around, Bend-backward and Get your ass kicked?

HA HA HA HA. Thank you. I just love to laugh AT these people. Now that's why you read blogs.

What Lee Ang has done

The hysterics in Taiwan over what Lee Ang has achieved; namely a Oscar Best Director, has reached a crescendo. If you managed to read the Taiwanese dailies' headlines, you might be mistaken into thinking that Lee Ang just saved the world by defusing a nuclear bomb with 3 seconds to spare. Or if he was Michael Jordan in the NBA finals saving the Chicago Bulls' asses. The praises heaped on Lee Ang is staggering as every Asian seemed to be jumping on the gravy train preparing to fellate Lee Ang as the best thing since sliced bread. Or as if he is Fann Wong.

You know, I hate such emotional atmospherics. It is during times like these when people lost their head, started thumping their chest like King Kongs, blabbered about the superiority of Chinese aesthetics and said the following emotional gibberish which I quote from AP:

(a) Lee Ang's Taiwanese compatrioits have started calling Ang Lee "the treasure of Taiwan" for his success in bridging cultural barriers between East and West (yeah right);

(b) They compared Brokeback to a Chinese movie (?!) as it also possesses a "Chinese aesthetic that distinguishes it from most American films". The fleeting expressions between the lovers are like those depicted in Chinese love poems (WTF);

(c) Fellow Taiwanese director Chen Yao-Chi said Brokeback Mountain bridges the gap between East and West, calling it an "outstanding cross-cultural performance" (you didn't watch the movie at all, did you Mr Chen?).

Lee Ang bridging East and West? Brokeback Mountain a cross-cultural performance? And comparing Brokeback Mountain to Chinese poetry?

Aiiiyahh! Here comes Captain Obvious to state the obvious again . . .

It is a gay cowboy movie. How many times must I emphasised that? Get over it. Will everyone stop comparing Brokeback mountain to Chinese poetry and as a cultural bridge between East and West?? There is nothing Asian about Brokeback Mountain. Lee Ang made this movie with the Oscar in mind. He definitely wasn't thinking of Chinese poetry, you dolts. I can't believe you dumbasses compare the movie to Chinese art and poetries. How difficult or how "chinese aesthetic" could it be to focus a freaking video camera from mountain to sheeps to gay cowboys? Chinese aesthetics, my foot. The sound you are hearing now are the sounds of thousands of dead Chinese poets doing somersaults in their graves when people started comparing their classic works to a gay cowboy movie. [ Hey Li Bai! Your poem on the moonlight by the bed reminds me of Gay Cowboys! Dreams of Red Mansion? - bleah, kinky lesbian story.] I don't think Li Bai would be pleased.

And why do you think Lee Ang has been keeping quiet despite all these storm of praises raining on him? Because that man has been giggling to himself like a Japanese schoolgirl in a Hello Kitty shop at the sight of so many people praising him (wrongly) of bringing Asian cultural values to Hollywood.

Those excitable Taiwanese douchebags probably hope that westerners would feel this way after watching the movie - Dumbass Westerner : Ooh, look! Gay cowboys movie directed by an Asian director. Now the East-West Cultural Bridge has been built! Thank you Lee Ang! No more cultural misunderstandings. Joy! I feel like eating rice with chopsticks. Where is my Asian porn? Stupid. You think one movie could change hundred of years of cultural mindset?

Repeat News flash : Brokeback Mountain has nothing Asian in it. It is about as "Asian" as a er . . . gay cowboy. Hollywood doesn't give a damn about Asian characteristics and cultural values except to nominate the odd Miyazaki's anime movie like freaking Howl's moving castle which sucks balls and could not hold a candle to Finding Nemo.

This is not the end. Check out the following comment from a Taiwanese housewife.

Mrs Liao I-mei, a Taiwanese office worker, said she was deeply touched by "Brokeback Mountain" for portraying the gay cowboys as ordinary lovers, not perverts. "Ang Lee made me realize that being gay is not a crime," she said. "If my husband fell into the same situation with another man, I possibly could be more understanding."

Oh. My. God.

You douchebag. Go get your own opinion, will you? I need to lay down before I died of this contagious disease called dumbassness.

Crash - luckiest movie in history

Crash (2005 Oscar Best Picture)

Cast : Sandra Bullock and everyone else in LA. Lots of actors running around bumping into each other (literally) like dumbasses on caffeine.

In the movie, racist bigots damaged a conveniance store owned by Persians and wrote racist graffitis. The wife of the owner, who was wearing a tudung, cleaned the wall and said to her daughter "We are Persians. Why do they think we are Arabs?"

Quick quiz : How many of you know where do Persians come from and the difference between Persians and Arabs?

As I thought. Sometimes Singaporean education system isn't as strong or broadminded as we think it is. Singaporeans have this belief that we are "global minded" but sometimes we made racist comments without even realising it. To say that a Persian is no different from an Arab is to say that Singaporeans and China Chinese are the same. I hear that from dumbass foreigners all the time and it is as insulting like hell. By the way, Persians are from Iran.

Welcome then to Crash. A movie in which racial tensions in LA were played out in six+ story lines and characters met each other in a random fashion. A rich tai tai (Sandra Bullock) thinks every person of color will rob her. A bitter cop (Matt Dillon) stops motorists simply because they're black. A well-to-do African-American couple (Terrence Howard, Thandi Newton) argues about how black they are. A detective (Cheadle) worries he has turned his back on his community and family. And my favourite, the bitter Persian conveniance shop owner who bought a gun, can't really understand English and thought that all Americans are racists and cheating bastards.

How did this story win the Best Picture? Beats me. Oh, don't get me wrong, the movie is good. The dialogue is sharp and exposes the inevitable direction which society is taking (towards a bigoted route as races of men interact with each other in a global community). Ignorance + poverty + social pressures = racial tensions. Nobody sets out in life to be a racist. It is more complicated than that. E.g. A racist cop, driven to prejudices against blacks due to injustices against his father, turned out to be courageous despite all. Saints to Sinners, Sinners to Saints in a blink of an eye in today's society.

But it should never had beaten Brokeback Mountain. The entire polygot acting ensemble looked like dumbasses who met on a blind date and acted out their roles in a storm of technicolour chaos. The acting from everyone is so stiff, you would thought they are card-board actors running around on remote in particular Brandon Fraser (that dumbass actor from the Mummy). How did Brandon Fraser get a job in Hollywood? The Guild of Actors should revoke his license and ban his ass from getting a job in Tinseltown. Instead, he keep getting plum roles like in Crash. And what's with Sandra Bullock? I used to like her. Now her acting just sucks. And I don't know about you, but 12 characters who kept bumping into each other in the entire freaking city of LA is just waay beyond coincidences for the audience to believe. Stupid.

It won the Oscars simply because Americans do not want their cowboys to be portrayed as gays. Period. In terms of power and social statement, Brokeback owned Crash's ass. Crash got lucky and will be remembered as the luckiest film in Oscar history. In another year, it would not even have been nominated. There is no justice in this world.

Never put money on gay cowboys

My words taste pretty nice actually. Captain Obvious has to eat some of his words earlier this morning when he woke up to find that Brokeback Mountain lost the Best Picture Oscar to Crash. The only consolation I could think of is "Boy, I am glad I am not Lee Ang". Can you imagine what Lee Ang must had felt when he had to do the post-Oscar interview? Reporters asked him as to whether he was disappointed (an obvious "duh") and why he think the panel of judges didn't vote for Brokeback Mountain. According to AP, his response is :

"I'm so proud of the movie . . . Why they didn't go for it, I don't know. You're asking a question that I don't know the answer. ... Congratulations to the 'Crash' filmmakers."

Let me do the honors and translate for Mr Lee:

"Those f**king sons of b**ches. I hope they die. Die, I tell you, die! And congratulations to those people behind Crash. I hope they choke on their Oscar. Thieves."

To be pefectly honest, I watched "Crash" last night and it was pretty good. It has its own quirky charms, much more "American" and therefore more popular with the voters. And it has Sandra Bullock. I will do a review of it tomorrow.

If I can make Mr Lee Ang feel better, I lost US$5 on a bet with my friends as I am so sure Brokeback mountain will win the Oscar.

Moral of the story : Never put your money on gay cowboys.

Lonely Planet

All these time I yakked about the places I have seen, people I have met and awful food which I have eaten, I just realised that I am not as seasoned as a traveller as I thought. Thanks to the creators of http://douweosinga.com, I got myself the above map which illustrates the countries which I have been (red denotes the countries which I have travelled to). 16 countries and only 7 % of the world. I haven't put a foot into Europe yet unless you count European Turkey, the west side of the Bosphorous. 7% of the world - that is nothing. There are so many things I have yet to see or experience e.g. looking at the Northern Lights, taking the Trans-Siberian Line from Moscow to Beijing via Mongolia or going to see to Austrian town of Fucking (not swearing here but a real town name in Austria). Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps.

At this note, let me say something on Lonely Planet.

Many people considered themselves "Lonely Planeteers" in the sense that they won't travel to a new country without first going to your nearest Borders to get a copy of the Lonely Planet on the said country. I know that "Lonely Planeteers" are possibly as dorky as a name as I could imagine but hey, I used to be one of those legions of dorks. I have quite a collection of Lonely Planet books from Turkey to Taiwan. In the past, I almost always stupidly went to Borders to get a copy of the Lonely Planet for a incredulous price of S$51.95 before I travel. Side note : Why are books in Singapore so expensive? - one would think that there are free porn coupons within the pages. Ooh look, it might be S$51.95 for that lousy book but if you whisper a secret codeword to the Borders staff at the counter, she will pass you the latest Playboy magazine! What a deal! Stupid Singapore custom taxes. It is as if we are discouraging our own people to read and encouraging them to play Playstation instead.

Below is a email which I am about to send to Lonely Planet Editors.

- - - - -

Dear Lonely Planet Editor,

I used to be one of the legion of dorks which called themselves "Lonely Planeteers" and wouldn't step out of my country without the appropriate Lonely Planet guidebook. I found your guidebooks to be informative, detailed and generally useful for a wanderer like myself. Useful information include tips like opening/closing hoursof tourist attractions, various scams which I should be aware of and general social norms. It is with deep regret therefore I inform you that your Lonely Planet Taiwan sucks monkey balls and gave me so much misinformation that I would happily strangle all those editors on your front page.

May I ask who wrote these book and what are your target audience? It is as if the book is written by dumbasses who only been there for a couple of days and know the country only superficially (i.e. myself). If this is the current standard your company aspires to, give me your pay cheque and I will write a better guide on all Asian countries then the whole lot of you dumbassess put together. Some faux pas your book made:

(a) When you tell people to go seek friendly help at the Taipei Tourism Bureau (opens from 8am to 7pm), it would be most helpful to your readers if you add that, oh I don't know, THAT IT DOESN'T FREAKING OPEN ON A SUNDAY; and

(b) When you are gushing superlatives on Beitou Geothermal Valley as to how nice it is, the Crown Prince of Japan had visited, blah blah, and make people travel over an hour to see the place, it is also helpful to add that THE STUPID PLACE IS CLOSED ON MONDAYS FOR CLEANING. Do you know how many dumbasses like myself were standing outside the stupid gate on 13 Feb (Monday) and how many of us are holding a freaking Lonely Planet Taiwan book?

To say that I am not amused is to say that Hitler doesn't think much of Jews.

Oh, and may I suggest that your books stop being politically correct and start telling the truth about every country's people? I know you have to say nice things about every country's people but some of the political statements your books have made are outright lies and make my eyes bleed. I provide the below table of translation of standard Lonely Planet's description for your convenience:

(a) Lonely Planet
The people are warm and hospitable.
Obvious Translation
The people are not trying to steal you blind . . . yet. However, you should know that walking down a dark alley is still considered legalised suicide in these hospitable lands.

(b) Lonely Planet
The people are fairly helpful.
Obvious Translation
These "helpful" people will not call the ambulance if you are laying on the gound and bleeding to death. Please use the "money in your passport" routine to get some service.

(c) Lonely Planet
The people pride themselves in being a good host and will go out of their way to help foreigners feel at ease.
Obvious Translation
They will answer your queries for directions in a good-natured manner and then lured you to their shops to buy carpets and 10,001 souvenirs which you don't need. They want your money, get it?

(d) Lonely Planet
The people from the countryside are simple and nice folk.
Obvious Translation
They still want your money.

(e) Lonely Planet
The people from this country have often been characterised as some of the friendliest people in the world. Most travellers find this to be true.
Obvious Translation
HA HA HA.

To summarise, I am disappointed to note that your books seem to cater more and more to rich Tais Tais who travel with their LV luggage bags and always with a horde of tourist guides at evey step. Whatever happen to the original idea of Lonely Planets for the lonely backpacker?

Yours in disappointment,
Captain Obvious.