LV Bag and Scale of Beauty/Ugliness

Foreword : This bag is cursed because I tried to write this entry three times and blogspot always ended up losing the entry.

I was innocently surfing the internet when I decided to take a look at what the latest LV bag fashion is. Contrary to popular opinion, Gucci and Prada are not paying me money to take potshots at LV (although they should). Thus I don't have much time to follow LV fashion trend nor have the energy to scrutinise each new bag's design. Usually, LV bags just fall under the categories of (a) plain looking but hideously overpriced; (b)ugly and hideously overpriced and (c) "what the hell is that?" and hideously overpriced. I usually take one look at a bag, wonder who will be buy this stuff and move on. Seldom do I feel the need to devote time and energy to specially diss a bag unless it is exceptionally bad like the LV Golf Bag which simply defiles normal human conventions for decency.

But I got to say, LV's latest designs have recently gone from awful to gut wrenching. I felt sad actually. Usually I need to think of something witty to criticise the bags. Now, I don't even need to try to thing of something bad to say. Take a look at the hairest bag in the world:

Who design this rubbish? Apparently it could be found in LV shops in Berlin, Germany. My first impression is that (a) Germans have a strange sense of humour (and dress sense) and (b) either Captain Caveman or Shaggy from the Scooby Doo Gang uses it (always suspects Shaggy is gay) since both man are so scruffy and eh . . hairy. The bag is decorated with colourful frills each ending with a bead of unknown material. You also have the entire galaxy of standard LV charms such as LV letterings and four-leaf gold clover, the later to ward off Irish leprechauns.

After your eyes have recovered from the pain and sense of displacement caused by staring at this colourful glare equivalent of a galaxy explosion of stars, it is time to assess its beauty (or sheer out ugliness). I know it is difficult for everyone to get our throbbing heads to settle down and give a substantive beauty grade to this rubbish. So I have come up with a beauty/ugliness benchmark to help everybody along:

CO's SCALE FOR BEAUTY/UGLINESS (1 being the most beautiful to 10 being the most ugly)

1 Kelly Hu (X-Men outfit)

If you don't know who is Kelly Hu, take a step back and examine your life. Miss Teen USA and Miss Hawaii USA. She was Chen Pei Pei in Martial Law (remember the 1997 cop series with Samo Hung) and the drop-dead seer in Scorpion King. She does the voice of a jedi in Stars Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. But most importantly, she is Lady Deathstrike in X-Men 2 who fought Wolverine. She is smoking hot. If you still don't know her, pls leave this blog now.

2 Kelly Hu (Scorpion King)

Looking mysterious is still Kelly Hu at no. 2 with her hot seer gear in Scorpion King. She is looking slight miffed though but then again, if you are acting with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who has the same level of acting skills as a err . . . rock, you will be miffed too. Love the head-dress.

3 Fiona Xie

I can't find a better picture of her. It was a toss up between Dawn Yeo and Fiona Xie. But I just think that Miss Xie is just smarter. I also didn't hear any religious and political bitching from Miss Xie so that itself is a great plus. I heard that she is the only thing worth watching now on TCS since wrinkles appear on Fann Wong's face.

4

Grace Park (Golfer)

Occasionally, a lady came upon the male-dominated sports scene and blew men away. I don't mean the Williams sisters with their bulging biceps and gorilla stance. I mean, ladies like Grace Park. Look at that swing. Grace and precision. A thing of beauty. I also tried her style at the golf course - doesn't work. Sigh.

5

Glorious victory in Rome Total War

It is a minor thing of beauty indeed to see my soldiers of Scipii finally unifying Rome by beating the Juili to pulp. Long live Roman Maximus!

6 Charlize Theron in Monster

I don't mean ugly like Charlize Theron on the left (Aeon Flux) but on the right. Beginning our countdown to ugliness is Charlize Theron in Monster - coming in at No. 6. It is an awesome display of makeup and dedicated acting that Charlize Theron could become the ugly monster that she is. Props to Theron.

7 Cross-dressing evil bartender from Shrek 2

At No.7, we descend deeper into the ugliness of man or in this case woman. Or whatever. Men who dressed as woman are automatically labelled as UGLY. When I saw the evil bartender from Shrek 2, I thought Disney had went porn. Ouch.

8 Da Dumbass Critics

The minute anybody starts opening their mouth and spewing religious, self-righteousness BS which nobody cares, they nominate themselves at No. 8 aka ugliness befitting of a dumbass. It does matter how physically pretty you are. It just turns guys off and make our knuckles itch.

9 Spongebob Squarepants

Ugly piece of spongy, sexually-ambigious dish washing equipment. The hideousness of this creation is only heightened by the fact that it was created for children. Look at him. Bucktooth, pock marks, and squarepants.

10 Sadako from the Ring

In case you have not been wathing horror movies, Sadako is probably the one female out there that frightens the living daylights out of 9 every 10 grown men. The other one is already dead on his feet. I recalled watching The Ring in the theatre. Suffice to say, the female audience in the theatre has no chance in hell of keeping quiet once Sadako decided to crawl out of her well and out of your TV. Most girls even started screaming when Sadako haven't begun to climb out of the well yet. Men might pretend to be strong and joke about Sadako, but that is because it is broad daylight. Turn off the lights, close the door and play the video for the guy to watch at 2 am and we will see who is tough shit. Sadako, with her bloodshot eye who can kills and long hair takes ugliness to No.10.

25 LV Bag from Berlin

Congratulations LV. This one is above the normal scale.

Thou shall not watch - if you are a dumbass

It seems that the whole world has tied its bras and panties into a knot as the globe splits itself into three warring factions, namely (a) "Dan Brown is the anti-Christ" faction; (b) "Da Vinci Code is great" faction and (c) "why don't everyone shut up and just watch the movie" faction. Guess which faction I belong to?

I read with guffaws that Solomon Islands and Samoa have banned the movie. The Solomon Island PM Sogavare said yesterday that Solomon Island is a Christian country and "the film undermines the very roots of Christianity". PM Sogavare also said that the "government will be failing in its duty if it allows such a film to destroy the moral fabric of society".

Permit me to just say that I respectfully disagree with the doomsday (dan) theory and all the "undermining Christian roots" charges. It is a perception based on shallow emotions, extreme extrapolation and outright crystal ball gazing. I find it more believable to say that Mr Dan Brown is part of the Scooby Doo Gang conniving to take over the world than the theory that the book/movie will destroy the moral fabric of society (ha ha). I also have to respectfully disagree with PM Sogavare. I am sure he have the best interests of his people and nation at heart but honestly, Christianity had survived more shit in the last 2000 years than what one book can offer as a threat, namely:

(a) gadzillions religious schisms (Nestorian Schism, Great Schism and Russian Orthodox Schism, Restorationist movement to name a few)
(b) seven failed Crusades for Jerusalem (hey Christian dipshits, here's a valuable battle advice 1000 years later. Stop fighting the Muslim Saracens with freaking heavy calvary in full plate armour under the desert sun)
(c) flower power generation in the 60s where everone is having sex with everyone
(d) explosion of pornography everywhere (some might say it is not necessarily a bad thing)
(e) increasing number of people turning to new age religions like worshipping UFOs (now this is weird)
(f) increasing number of gays, same sex marriages, divorces and rocketing abortion rates
(g) and damning criminal charges against christian priests who committed sexual sins against small children.

Forget about Dan Brown and Da Vinci Code. Trust me when I say that the Council of Churches should be more concerned with its priests sexually abusing small children and the increasing (and brazen) number of gays in society than a freaking book. Oh, and to all gays reading this, sodomy is not allowed in the bible. Sorry, stop making excuses about it and deal with it.

The good thing about the book and movie is that it reveals most Christians (especially in Singapore) for what they are, ignorant dumbasses who thought that their religion only revolves around the birth, cruxification and resurrection of Christ. I know, I met so many dumbasses in Singapore who are like VLV said, closeminded. Closeminded? These people are as closed as a prison after lockdown or an ice-cream shop in the North Pole. In winter. Trepassers will be shot and penguins turned away. I met Singaporean Christians who couldn't tell Abraham, Solomon and Moses apart. You know the type, they give you a blank look when you talk about the why God screwed around with Job and the Gospel of Judas or Thomas. All they know is that Christ was their savior, born in a stable, got cruxified . . . and hmm, that's it. Oh, and Moses split the sea and Noah was the guy who built a big boat called the Ark because it rained heavily. That's about it. The rest are learnt from watching Hollywood movies like Ben-Hur, Disney's Prince of Egypt (which sucks so much ass simply by having Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey sang their shit in it), Ten Commandments and seeing Charlton Heston talked to a burning bush and walked around in a robe.

Fact is, many Christians are scared. They are scared that the movie and book will reveal the complete frauds that they are when they couldn't even answer a simple question on their religion. Mary Magdalene not a prostitute and might be Christ's chosen successor instead of Peter? Horrors! It is an alien concept to them as to SpongeBob Squarepants is to me.

And to all pro-Dan Brown fans, stop using the DaVinci Code as your version of the New Bible to bash Christians. The Priory of Sion is most likely to be an elaborate hoax (see Discovery Channel's special on the Priory of Sion). If I hear another dumbass claiming that Mary was from the House of Benjamin and the Merovingian line in France can be traced to Christ, he better had some hard proof instead of simply quoting from the Da Vinci Code. Otherwise, he would feel my boot up his ass. Heaven knows, how Dan Brown could even say that Christ and Mary had a daughter called Sarah. Sarah? Sarah Lee (cake) is more like it.

P.S : Oh, and to all scared Christians, just one last word - " Dinosaurs". Try explaining it to me again.

Spongebob Squarepants

When I was in Singapore, I was told that kids in Singapore today love a cartoon called Spongebob Squarepants. I was mystified and had to ask the name again.

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" was the repeated answer. I thought I heard "SPYBOT SQUIRREL". I was thinking hmm, maybe a robotic squirrel which would transform into different gadgets to spy on the enemies and then blast them with giant cashew nuts from his squirrel cannons. Perhaps a low budget Transformer or spin-off from Inspector Gadget. It sounds stupid buy hey, kids this day. As long as they are not still enamoured with Power (Gay) Rangers and Masked "Dumbass" Rider, I am happy.

So I switched on to Central at about 5.30 pm, prime timeslot for kids. I had to endure a horrendous episode of Hi-5 (Confirms that there is no God as a benevolent deity would not allow these five dumbasses to sing and dance on TV like . . . dumbasses) at 5 pm before finally getting to watch Spongbob Squarepants.

Expecting a robotic squirrel, I saw this. My comment after watching 5 minutes of this cartoon? Well,

WHAT THE F IS THIS SHIT?!!!!

IS THIS THE DUMBEST AND GAYEST TV CARTOON OF ALL TIME OR WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

First, the main character is indeed, a f-king sponge. A SPONGE. With square pants. And lived at some place called Bikini Bottom. That in itself is vomit worthy. But it gets better (or worse, depending on your intelligence). Bob lives in a bottom of the ocean, screws around with a snail as a pet (which meows like a cat) and holds hands all the time with his "best friend" Patrick. Patrick is a fat starfish which is pink. This cartoon is so gay I can't believe TCS actually air it to our gullible kids. Look kids! A fat gay starfish and a sexually ambigious sponge! Stupid.

And then Bob and Patrick went screwing around pretending to be adults. The pink starfish likes to eat some stuff called Krabby-patties (I have to surf internet to know this shit), walks around in pyjamas and kept talking about defeating some evil monkey. WTF is going on? To add more confusion to this increasing silly mess, some squid walks into the scene and plays the clarinet which has a name, Clary or Gary (I think, who cares at this point?). The squid walks around, looking pissed at Spongebob for some unfathomable reasons and kept talking about the need to get a wig. For a squid. At this point, I went into shock as my mind shut down to protect my brain cells from this storm of stupidity. I thought Barney the Purple Dinosaur and Bananas in Pyjamas are bad. Spongebob and his lousy pants just managed to hammer a new meaning of "bad TV" into our pysche.

Back in the old days, TV was great. I came home from school and I get to watch Sabre Rider and the Star Sheriffs at 4.3o pm, maybe Thunderbirds at 5 pm, Transformers at 5.30pm and then Channel 8 will be screening Xiao Tian Tian - the little girl with a candy wand which can transform her into any adult character. Holy shit. Boys from my generation would just plonk our ass in front of the TV while our mothers put food in front of us like ladies of the house feeding domesticated hamsters. Why? Because we would be too transfixed by the latest ass kicking which the Star Sheriffs were dishing out to the Vapour Riders to go to the dinner table. Good wholesome family interaction revolving around TV cartoons which didn't suck. Hell, even Smurfs and Doraemon would kick Spongbob and his gay starfish friend's ass anyday. I can't understand kids these days. After watching Spongebob Squarepants, I don't think I can wash my dishes without looking at my sponge in the same way again.

Tribute to Metallica

Nothing happened with the mad Australian. Damn. She left for Van Vieng this morning. Didn't even have the chance to buy her a proper drink. Hope she didn't get waylaid by the hordes of crazy and stoned backpackers up north. Then again, she being mad might make her feel right at home. Oh and by the way, I just got to write down this surreal moment I had with her in the car.

I recalled when we were in the car, Mad Australian Girl (MAG) asked to turn up the music. I was thinking that I am about to impress her with my wonderful collection of great songs such as the likes of Snow Patrol, Ronan Keating and 3 Doors Down (I burned all to a CD) before I realised that I left the CD in my other car in Singapore. Damn. Still, I am not too worried. I got plenty of CDs in my car prepared just for this occasion so I slotted a random one in. Maybe it would be freaking Celine Dion or hell, Vanessa Mae.

I turned up the volume on this unknown, long forgotten CD and holy macaroni, guess what - It is playing Metallica "Unforgiven". Now is that the F-king absolute worst song you could play for a girl in your car? Any girl in her right mind (e.g.a normal Singaporean girl) would be thinking "Damn, I am riding in a stranger's car and listening to Metallica? Psycho! Save me!" I was cursing to myself - of all the freaking CDs in my car, I slotted in a hard metal CD and ended up with a Metallica track. I don't even know how this CD got in the car. This CD must have been with me when I was in freaking JC back in those days when I could name all the legendary metal bands from Ozzy Osbourne to Iron Maiden to freaking Metallica. Did I blow it there and then?

But lo and behold, MAG likes it! She sit upright and said "Shit - Is there Metallica?" Hell, she recognised the song in the very few seconds when James Hetfield started strumming his guitar. Double holy shit - how many girls you know can recognise a Metallica song in the first few seconds just by listening to the guita strums? If it is "Enter the Sandman" I can understand. But "Unforgiven"? MAG explained that the first concert she went to was a Metallica concert in Sydney. KERR-CHING! JACKPOT! THE CHRISTIANS ARE RIGHT! THERE IS A GOD!

Aaaww. That really made my day. I thought the only way to impress girls in the car was to play soft romantic music. Romancing Singaporean girls perhaps. But when it comes to madcap girls from other countries, perhaps it is better to be yourself and bring out the Guns N Roses rather than the Backstreet Boys. Even if MAG doesn't call me (and her stupid Vodafone HP got no signal in Laos so I can't call her - confirms my suspicion that Vodafone sucks balls), I am strangely comforted by the fact that sometimes, you need not be gentlemanly and perfect to charm a girl. If Metallica works, there is hope in this world indeed. Next time I picked up a girl, I am going to play "Its My Life" by Bon Jovi and rock the world. Now that's cool.

FINALLY - IT HAPPENED

I have taken more flights on more airlines than I can count in the last 8 years. For work or leisure, I usually end up on a plane every three months. Singapore Airlines (the movies and entertainment onboard SQ is out of this world), Thai Airways (good food), Malaysian Air (not bad), Egyptian Air (aka Air Misery - ha ha), Air India, JAL, Nippon Air, Cathay Pacific, Quantas, Sri Lanka Airlines, Eva Air, Turkish Airlines and of course, Lao Airlines. I get to sample (in some cases, with horror and indignation) all the experiences that an air traveller could experience. The airline food, the service, inflight entertainment, the beauty and grace of air stewardess and the gamut of emotions you get when you meet your fellow passengers. I have almost seen them all.

But today's article is reserved to talk about other passengers I get to seat with. Something finally awesome happened to me last evening on board the Lao Airline flight. You see, I have been praying for this to happen for the last 8 years, been keeping my fingers crossed and have been sacrificing piglets to the God of Air Travel etc etc. All my life, I have been seated next to people whom I hesitate to call homo sapiens (aka humans). Dumbasses would be too broad a category for them. I simply call them dredges of human society, apes or pre-evolutionary single cell ameobas. Check out the following passengers I have the honor (by honor, I meant ill-fated misfortune) to seat next to:

(a) a fat turd of an obese white man who stole my window seat and whined like a girl to the air stewardness when asked to give it up (Turkish Airlines, May 2003);

(b) a drunk Indian who reeked of cheap beer who later said something to the air stewardess causing her to yell at him. She then summoned the captain who then yelled again at the Indian dumbass in front of everyone. All this while I am seating next to the Indian, squirming uncomfortably and looking for something heavy to kill the Indian (Indian Airlines, Oct 2005);

(c) a fat Indian who stank as if he just doused himself with GALLEONS of olive oil. I was breathing shallow like a ninja for six hours. (Indian Airlines, Oct 2005 - return)

(d) a massive Australian man with more tattoos on his body and arm than humanely possible. He looked like a distinguished member of the criminal community. Our local Singaporean moneylenders and ah bengs would all look like pussies next to him. He looked like he eat gunpowder for breakfast and shit bullets. He did say "thank you" though when I passed him his tray of food so maybe he is just misunderstood. NOT. (Quantas, April, 2000)

(e) a plump Chinese businessman who for god's sake couldn't sit still and kept asking me where can he meet pretty Singaporean girls. I recalled I finally gave up and told him that "This place called Tuas has a lot of entertainment hotspots which pretty Singaporean girls hanged out". (This was on Malaysian Airlines in 1998). I wondered till this day whether did he actually took my suggestion and go to freaking Tuas in the middle of freaking no where. If he did, hey dumbass! How are the girls in Tuas? CO 1 Horny Chinese businessman 0. CO wins.

So you can understand my reservation everytime I got on the plane and started looking for my seat. Of course, there are plenty of times when I got seated next to perfectly normal travellers. Mostly I ended with men who are contented to just sit quiety, whipped out a book to read or fiddled with the inflight remote to surf movies or just play Legend of Zelda for the 331th time. But that's the thing. I always ended up with either dumbasses, criminal enforcers, rude Indians or just quiet men (which are ok). Where are all the pretty single girls I always see on movies? Where are the likes of Meg Ryan, Paris Hilton and Kirsten Dunst? Why am I not always seated next to them? Why? Why?

A word on pretty single girls on flights. I realised that there are almost none. Trust CO on this. You see, woman on flights are at their most natural state. The stress of travelling and hauling luggages around force women to eschew their make-up, heels and skirts. You wear skirts and heels to a busy airport at your peril. So woman are seldom pretty on the planes. They are frizzled, irritated and downright dumpy. The young pretty girls usually travelled with boyfriends or in a group of girlfriends. Group of girlfriends is almost always led by a fat girl who has taken on herself the job of motherhen and believes that it is her holy duty to prevent the girls in her group to have any fun and meeting guys.

But yesterday evening, a miracle happened. Forget about Moses splitting the sea. This is more spectacular. I finally got to sit next to a pretty, single girl. YESS!! KER-CHING! JACKPOT!! SOMEONE CALLED THE BANKER! WE GOT A WINNER!!

Say hello to Ms Kylie Louis, an Australian teaching in Tokyo and now holidaying in Laos. Laos, say hi to a pretty girl on your airline.


I thought this would never happen. Kyle is a bit on the mad side though. She clapped when we landed (in view that we are riding in the much derided propeller plane) drawing stares from the rest of the passengers. She also came to Laos thinking that Laos has plenty of ATM machines for her to draw money. Australians, don't you love them? We chatted and CO being a gentleman (and bloody trained for this day for the last 8 years) offered her a ride to a recommended guesthouse and also would be asking her out for dinner and later a drink when she get settled in.
I was hoping for a cute single Japanese girl like Noriko Sakai but a mad, pretty Australian girl will do just fine. Finally. Maybe there is a God afterall.

Election time! . . . in Laos

Surprised? Singapore is not the only country in the world which elections are due, you know. The Lao people voted last Sunday (30 Apr) to get 115 out of 175 candidates into their National Assembly. The main difference is of course there is only one party in Laos (shock! gasp! horror! Pleaasee - are we that different?) and everybody is basically voting for candidates which are all from the same party. The Lao even has two independents running but of course, they are all approved by the election commission. The way that the Lao people do it is quite interesting. Vientiane Capital has 22 candidates running for 15 seats. So the Lao voter actually crossed out 7 candidates which he or she does not want in the National Assembly. We can call this "negative voting".

On 30 Apr 06, every Lao person put on their best clothes to go to their polling stations to vote. These polling stations were usually at temples and schools. Women put on their traditional Lao sinhs except those who were pregnant. Men wore a proper collar shirt. Loud PA system blared patriotic and festive Lao songs. It was all a bit tacky but nice. It is kinda different from Singapore. When I voted years ago, people turned up in shorts and slippers to vote and went for their mee rebus breakfast after voting.


Which bring me to our own Singapore elections and politics - a topic which I dread but since it is once every 6 years, I would be deemed remiss if my blog does not at least mention it during its natural life.

I talked to some of the Lao people after they cast their votes and asked them what criterias they used when casting their votes for their choice of candidates. You see, I am curious as since there were no opposition parties in Laos to criticise government's policies and all candidates belong to the same party, election campaign must be based completely on individual's personality and charisma. Many Lao people admitted that they did not know the candidates at all and merely refer to their CVs which are pasted outside the polling center.

The normal poorly educated Lao's criterias of choosing strangers whom they never met for the important post of MPs are:

(a) He should be young since young people are supposed to have energy and bright ideas on how to reinvigorate the system;

(b) He should be educated since educated people are supposed to have special insights on how to reinvigorate the system;

(c) There should be more woman MPs in the National Assembly so to give the women a greater voice.

When I hear about these considerations, I almost laugh my ass off. Choosing a stranger you have never met simply based on their CVs pinned on the notice board? Just because they are young and some what educated? It almost sounded incredulous. What about which candidate has better ideas on how to revamp the healthcare plan and how to elevate the country out of the Least Developed Countries Status? How to improve the economy in which two-thirds of the population are living at less than US$2 a day? And how to make sure there are not so many cows running on the Lao roads that a driving CO has to dodge like a madman every morning so as to avoid making a steak sandwich out of those cows?

And then I remember something. Perhaps it does not sound that bad at all considering some of our own dumbass Singaporeans' criterias for choosing which political parties to choose from. Take Dawn Yeo for example. Ms Yeo was telling everyone on her blog to vote for the opposition this Saturday (in caps somemore) because although "yes, the PAP have a great track record, but we gotta give the opposition a chance to prove themselves too".

I think Dawn Yeo is the cutest thing alive with all her plastic surgery. As you probably guess by now, I am a bona fide sucker for any cute thing with legs and boobs. I will give her a kidney if she so much as wink at me. I also think that Dawn Yeo ought to be shot for asking people to vote for the opposition simply to "give them a chance to prove themselves".

Hey, dumbass Dawn, would you go out on a date with me and bring me home so that you can give me a chance to prove myself? Err . . No? Even though we have never met & I detest your religion with a passion & I hate all those fake dumbass friends you hang out with at Zouk or at the Gucci Fashion Show at Fullerton? Still no? No chance for me to prove myself even though I worship you? Just as I thought. Dawn Dumbass Yeo (DDY)'s logic train just hit a freaking mountain. Captain Obvious 1, Dawn Yeo 0. You might be pretty but who's your daddy now, bimbo?

Just as DDY would never jeopardize her future/reputation/mojo by giving me a chance, we should also not jeopardize our country's future by giving the reins to the opposition just so "they can prove themselves". Who the hell cares about them proving themselves? You vote these dumbasses in, the country is probably screwed for six years before we can put it right at the next election. Did you even look through the CVs of some of the opposition candidates? DDY's logic is warped. Easy for DDY to say vote opposition since her family is rich (mother jets about the world), can afford to party in the US for years and still able to party day and night at places like Gucci Fashion Show at Fullerton in Singapore. Does she know anything about public transport costs, healthcare and upgrading (does she even live in a flat?). The hypocrisy is stunning.

Once every six years, the moon turns blue and dumbasses/closet gays/freaks like DDY come out of the woods and give their political comments based on coffee shop chatter and discussions with "important" political personalities such as taxi drivers and some unknown dumbasses on idiotic forum like sammyboy. Worse, they run a blog and paste their politically ignorant ramblings, try to convince the world to see things their way as well as try to take cheap shots/low blows at the ruling party. Yawning Bread is a great example - run by a gay with an axe to grind against the ruling party for their conservative stance against gays. Come the elections, and BAM! Out came all the "insightful" (rambing) articles with hidden barbs aimed towards the government. Brilliant. NOT.

I take the uneducated Lao's style of voting anytime. At least they really want to vote the best qualified people into their system so as to improve their country. Some so called better eduated Singaporeans ought to be shot for voting for the opposition simply to "give them a chance to prove themselves" or"teach the government a lesson".

Suggestions for Church Signs

One of the things I remember from my young days in Singapore was walking past St Andrew Cathedral near City Hall and marvelling at the luscious park surrounding the church. The whole place looks tranquil and should I say, angelic. Like all churches, St Andrew has a signboard outside quoting daily bible verses to passerbys. Some examples of messages that might be displayed are:

" The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love. (Psalm 33:18 ) " - Your typical fear and love God message. Carrot and stick approach.

"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. (Thessalonians 5:15)" - This is your "turn the other cheek" message.

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. (John 4:16b-17)" - Your standard message to try to convert the masses of faithless (and take advantage of the confused and vulnerable) to Christianity.

The verses are there on the signboard whenever you walked across the busy junction outside City Hall enroute to Funan IT Mall or Peninsula Plaza. As expected, the verses are meant to inspire the faithful and to persuade the faithless to visit the church so that they will hopefully see the light. Problem is of course, these verses are dry, bland and uncool. I mean, how many times could Christians say "God is Love" without us getting thoroughly sick at their bland message (and of course, a lie) and wanting to dragon-uppercut their faces? Turn the other cheek? Who would want to join a pussy religion which preaches to its followers to turn the other cheek when slapped? You would agree that these signs are not exactly well, cool.

Christian churches in Singapore need a new approach. For a start, they should get better church signs. Stop quoting dry and bland verses from the bible. Nobody cares. Instead, add some colours and life in their daily messages to the masses. Check out these awesome messages outside churches in the US:

"If you think it is hot here, imagine hell". - Church in Florida

"Santa Claus never died for anyone". - Church in Seattle

"Don't give up. Moses was once a nutcase too." - Church in Texas

"Forgive your enemies. It confuses them." - Church in Nashville

To do the christianity community in Singapore a favour, CO will compose some nice, holy messages using www.churchsigngenerator.com for them to consider. Totally free. Yes, you read that line correctly - I am not charging the Christians money for exercising my creative juices. See, I can be nice sometimes. Behold, the christian signs from CO:

(For all football fans in Singapore)

(This world sucks. No use denying it)

(I dedicate the above sign specially to all asshole Christians who dared to lecture me about Christianity even though they read only 5% of the bible, have no shit clue as to what is the Book Of Job and only go to Church when they feel like waking up for brunch at Scotts Shopping Centre).

(A twist to the Doomsday approach)

(Amen to that)

(Ha Ha Ha. Boring anti-Dan Brown brigades, ignorant and indignant christians need not apply)

(Many guys will sign up for that)

(Kali worshippers and LV lovers might not be happy but the rest of the world is)

(Since it is elections time and it looked like PAP might get a big fight from the WP)

And this is my favourite sign I created- considering we cannot never reach or speak to God:

I think the signs will usher in a new era of mass dumbass recruitment for Christian Churches. That, or someone will sue the Churches. Either way, it is all good.