Strange Hair Day

I came across this group of punks in Chathuchack Market. For a second, I thought I was back in Roppongi in Tokyo when I was there in 2001. I am not sure whether you can see it clearly but holy shit, the two guy's spiky hair were protruding at more than 50 cm long. It looked like porcupines died on their heads and the kids decided to wear it out of spite. The guy in black on the bike had a hairstyle like a fan. I am sure he can use it to saw wood. If he moved his head from side to side, I'm sure he can cause turbulence in the air. Call me a Lao country bumpkin but I don't recall seeing such awesome hairdos in Singapore even among the Ah Beng or Malay rockers community. How are they going to wear a helmet? What happen when they are showering? Do their hairdressers need to erect mini-scaffoldings to hold the hair in place till it dries? All deeply intriguing questions, you would agree. You can actually develop a new martial art form with their sort of hair - like the Er Mei's 36 styles of hairy death. When I was looking at them, I had to fight this immense compulsion to grab a hoop and try to throw and land it on their spiky hair to win a teddy bear like in the carnival.

They sat there without care in the world, soaking in the attention from curious passerbys. The Thai passerby in blue shirt (in the picture) who was talking on the phone looked like he was calling his mother to ask whether the Hungry Ghost Festival was still on. The woman in the background couldn't take her eyes off the kids. She was still staring when I left. The kids were like Lords of the Land, surveying the land which they owned. In fairness, they were just sitting there, getting curious stares but did not cause trouble.

It must be a strange phase of life for these kids.

Chatchuchak Market and LV

I just read through the prospectus for my insurance policy again. It turns out that I am supposed to get S$186,000 (instead of $140,000) when I am 46. Ok, that make it slightly more tolerable. Not much better, but just a little. I can stay 15.5 years in Laos now. Hmmph. Worthless.

- - - - -

I transited in Bangkok over the weekend and took the opportunity to meet a couple of friends who live in Bangkok up and of course to shop. Since it is over the weekend, I took a train to On Nut station to visit Chatchuchak market. The minute I got off the train, I knew it was a bad & crowded day at the market judging by the army of vehicles parked adjacent to the station.

By the way, some might be confused at the way the vehicles are parked. E.g. how can those vehicles in the inner sanctum get out? Well, in Thailand and in Laos, you park without engaging your handbrake. There will be someone who will push the other cars out of the way to give you enough room to leave. It is like playing jigsaw puzzle with cars. Sounds stupid but highly efficient. Look at how many cars they managed to cramp neatly into that piece of land. If this is in Singapore, Singaporean drivers will be bitching non-stop about having to park so close to each other, how can filthy parking attendants lay their hands and push my mercedes out of the way and why not have a high-tech solution befitting of Singapore? Pretentious doofus. Sometimes the simple and best solution is just to get someone to push your car around.

I have been to Chatchuchak market a dozen times but this was the first time I went there with a camera. Chatchuchak is basically a gigantic piece of land in which rows of shops are set up in warrens with spaces in between for the travellers to get a breather or some refreshments. You will need it as Chatchuchak often gets unbearably hot at noon due to the thousands of shoppers and the lack of air-conditioning. Within each hot warren, it is elbows to asses as shoppers moved at sweat-inducing snail pace. The stench of sweat and unwashed bodies of some Thais and ang-moh backpackers is incredible. Coupled with the intense noon heat which is magnified by the close confined space and body heat of a thousand shoppers, it is enough to knock a Royal Thai Elephant out cold. You went in chirping happily and walked out a dried out husk feeling old and impotent. Oh, and I haven't talk about the public toilets.

The Thais tried to organise all shops into sections like clothings, arts, bags, flowers, household items, pets, books and miscellaneous. But it is a difficult task to do. Chatchuchak is famous for selling all sort of shit from LV bags to fighting cocks. One day is not sufficient to cover everything. I am sure there are plenty of people who blogged about their Chatchuchak experiences and took better pictures than me - so I won't elaborate. But I can't resist putting the following pics up.

Ahh yes, LV. Could you spot all the crazy LV Suhali, Murakami and monogram bags? You can buy one at 350 baht (which is about S$15) if you bargain hard. Sure beats paying S$4000, heh? There are also some designs which look suspiciously non classical LV.

(Women in deep discussions over which bag looks less fake?)

I honestly can't tell an authentic bag from a fake one. Lamb skin and cow leather all looked the same as vinyl plastic to me. Who the hell cares or even looks at the stitching? The fake LV shops in Chatchuchak market is an immense hit with the ladies.

I support fake LV. Swarming the global market with fake LVs is one effective way to reduce actual demand for real LV stuff. There is nothing more demoralising to a woman than to have people questioning her whether the Suhali Lockit which she spend S$4000 on is a fake. Rightly or wrongly, whenever I see a Thai or Lao woman with carrying a LV murakami bag, my first impression is that it must be fake. I know, I know. There are many Thais and Lao who are 1000x times richer than I am and could well afford a LV bag. Who am I to judge? I am a bad person for making such assumptions. But hey, sometimes I also look at a Singaporean or western woman carrying a LV bag and I make the same conclusion too. You take a look at the woman in her shabby clothes and think to yourself "Naaah, no way she can afford a genuine S$4000 monogram bag from LV. She couldn't even afford a decent blouse or haircut". My bad.

How much money you need at 46?

Back to the sneaky pretty girl in business suit from the bank which managed to trick/swindle/persuade/coax S$50,000 out of my life savings. I am tossing and turning in my bed in Bangkok's Ambassador Hotel two days ago going through what exactly happened. By the way, I forgot to mention that the girl was from OCBC. She wasn't sneaking around trying to ambush men which was what happened to my friend when he was cornered by a pretty girl in Shenton Way recently.

I think the thing that hooked me was when she showed me the amount which I am supposed to get when I am 46. By investing S$50,000 gradually over 5 years, it would guarantee me approx. S$140,000 in total by the time the 15 years are up. The question which she asked was :

"How much money is enough for you at 46? HOW MUCH WOULD YOU REQUIRE AT RETIREMENT?"

How much money is considered enough for me indeed at 46?

I have never thought of this shit. People of my generation usually avoid thinking about hitting the 40's. 46? What the hell is that? It is something that only happens to other people, right (like death and getting married) ? 40's are reserved for all the old geezers who are fat, bald and impotent. People who are 46 are those ugly old people who are stuck behind boring desk jobs in your office. Desk jobs which you swear won't ever happen to you. You meet these people all the time in your offices - people who are just clocking time and have no further career ambitions. Too old to consider moving for greener pastures, too chicken-hearted to even consider new jobs or try new things or to travel to new places, too set in their ways, eat the same chap chye food at S$3.50 for lunch (sweet sour pork and steamed egg - oooh I can see it in my crystal ball now) everyday, too fat and too bald. These are people who have given up on life in their early 30's and resigned to collecting a S$3000-S$3500 paycheck every month for the rest of their lives. They get scolded by your younger boss daily in office (who will be armed with a spanking new degree from a foreign university) and then went back home at 6.30 pm to their nagging fat wife and teenage kids who played Playstation X, don't listen to them and only know how to stretch their hands for money.

Digression - How do you recognise such 46 year-old Singaporean men in the crowd (besides them being fat and bald)? Simple, they all walk around with a blank look in their eyes. The Americans called it the 'Indian" stare. These people wish they were dead and can't wait to go to Bangkok over the weekend to get a quick sex fix with the young and nubile Thai girls. I met plenty of such Singaporeans on my flights to and fro Bangkok from Singapore. You recognise them instantly. Plump, quiet and nervous. They avoid eye contact with you and mumble something about going on a "business trip" to Bangkok even though they are not even carrying a pen on them. These people have given up on life and have no further ambitions other than to live day to day and avoid seeing their nagging wife and kids as much as possible. Ahhh, what a "wonderful" life awaits me, a typical Singaporean man, at 46. Life is clearly a bitch. Someone should shoot it.

So how much money would such a typical 46 year-old Singaporean man need? I conclude that S$140,000 is not enough after a quick mental calculation. How can it be enough? Let's face it, Singapore is an expensive place to stay even though I love the country. If you go by the track I have laid out above, most men would have 2 kids by the time 46 comes around. Your kids' education will be a major source of expenses. It would cost about S$30,000 per kid to send the bugger to a local university and these are just university fees alone. Holy shit. We haven't even compute in other stuff yet like books and living allowances for those pesky kids. Then add in bills for the flat and cars? And daily living houshold expenses plus something extra for your wife for her LV shopping? Sometimes, I wonder where do Singaporean men in their 40's get extra income to support a Chinese mistress. I estimated that a married man will need to spend S$3000 a month to support aging parents, a wife, 2 teenage kids, a car and a 5-room HDB flat. So S$140,000 probably only lasts a married Singaporean man 3.8 years at the most (if for some reasons he has lost his job and is not working). If someone in the family requires a major medical treatment at Mount Elizabeth, all the best.

If you are single at 46, then things are more tolerable. But don't stop working and go blowing your wad of dollar bills at that red ferrari. Without a family's support, you are going to need to be thrifty at 46 bcos you are going to have to rely on yourself (and no one else) in times of need. This is especially true when you are retired at 62. No children to take care of you and foot your medical expenses. No fat (but loving) wife to take care of you when you have problem chewing your food. (Hell, by 62, I will be gumming my food instead.) All sorts of sickness will descend upon me and getting sick in Singapore is no walk in the park. My friend's dad stayed in Mount Elizabeth Hospital for a few days, did a routine check with a doctor and costs more than S$400,000. Oh yeah. And he still died! That spanking red ferrari is going to COST me dearly when I am 62 and have no money to pay for my medical bills. In conclusion, that S$140,000 at age 46 therefore has to be reinvested carefully in all sorts of insurance schemes so that at 62, it would have grown to a sizeable cache providing adequate financial backup for the lonely, single Singaporean man.

Is $140,000 enough at 46? Conclusion : Barely enough if you intend to stay in Singapore. Sure, I could migrate to Laos and get a Lao wife and plant cabbages and mushrooms in my backyard for the rest of my life. In which case, S$1,000 per month is more than sufficient to ensure a luxurious living. S$140,000 can actually comfortably lasts me 12 years in Laos. But there is something defeatist about this particular lifestyle although I know of Singaporeans who actually gave it all up for a simple life. Besides, I am useless at planting cabbages and mushrooms. This of course leads to the next big question:


NOW HOW MUCH MONEY DO I NEED AT 62 (RETIREMENT)?

Hmm.

Movie Review : Snakes on a plane

This movie sucks ass.

And thus ends today's awesome review.







HA HA HA HA.


I am actually prepared to write a long tirade against this massive dud of a movie but I realised that since it has already robbed me of 90 minutes of my life, why should I waste 30 more minutes lamblasting it?

This movie blows ass on many levels (story, graphics, acting etc), which if all combine, results in a blinding conflagration of suck. Where do I start? Perhaps with the storyline (or lack of a coherent one). Criminal mastermind puts a massive host of poisonous snakes on a commercial airliner in order to bring down the entire plane which carries a key witness. YAWN. Is it me or is that a lot of work? You have time and money to bring together a fantastic army of cobras, rattlesnakes, middle eastern black deaths, poisonous snakes of all colours and sizes from Africa to commit mass murder on a grand scale and you couldn't just bribe someone to just shoot the witness? There is a serious lapse of logic here.

And how the F does one manage to sneak an anaconda on the plane? I mean, shit, that dumb snake must be weighing a ton and is the size of my two cars combined.

But the most incredible thing is that while snakes started entering the economy class cabin (via the toilets, luggage compartments and through the floor), all the passengers started running to the first class cabin and barracade the passageway and they were safe. Which raises the question, is the first class cabin totally disconnected from the rest of the plane and has no holes for the snakes to crawl through? I mean, I know the food in the economy class cabin sucks but man, this just make me think twice about taking economy class in view of the safety reason.

But at least the movie managed to provide me with some laughs. I watched this movie in Bangkok (in MBK) and when the snakes started crawling out of the cargo, some of the Thai people around me started to act surprise and exclaim "Ngu! Ngu! (Snakes! Snakes!)"

Wah lau eh. The show is called "Snakes on a plane". Why is every dumbass so surprised thus to see snakes? What do you expect? Ferocious pandas? Angry hamsters with nuts stored in their cheeks? (Note to self : Hmm . . . aggressive bamboo chewing pandas on a plane attacking passengers . . . That would so OWN everything. I am going to patent the idea). This reminds me of the time I watched Lake Placid (the one with a giant crocodile) in Lido. The girl behind me kept saying "what is it?!" Wah lau eh, the movie poster outside the cinema clearly showed a crocodile coming out of the lake. I mean, shit, the stupid girl frightens me more than the crocodile.

This dumb movie is likely to have a stupid sequel. If disasters such as Garfield and Underworld could have sequels, you are guaranteed that there will be a SOAP II. I wonder what's next though, Dinosaurs in a Cab? Pandas in a LV shop? (yet another patent worthy idea from CO). In conclusion, watch SOAP only when:

(a) you do not have a deep phobia about snakes (although these are computer generated ones and looked quite fake);

(b) no phobia about planes turbulence;

(c) you really need to watch a movie and it is between this movie and the steamy pile of BS that is called the Lakehouse.

Home Truths II

It has been a productive 7 days stay in Singapore. Let's see:

(a) I handed over S$50,000 of my life savings to a pretty girl in suit in an useless financial plan which will bear fruit 15 years later. Sneaky. (See earlier entry)

(b) I handed another S$30,000 in CPF savings to the said girl. Bastard.

(c) I borrowed and read a book (Terry Pratchett : Wee Free Men) from the National Library within a few days.

(d) I seen three movies. Super Ex-Girlfriend (silly), Dragon Tiger Gate (decent but low expectations anyway) and Click (AWESOME. Adam Sandler rules my world).

(e) I bought two pairs of shoes.

(f) I bought a 7-iron golf club and two spanking new high-tech gloves.

(g) I bought another two books by Tom Harper and a Lonely Planet "Austria".

(h) I applied and gotten my spanking new Biometric passport as well as a new IC. Cool.

Not to mention friends met and acquaintances reacquainted. The sad thing is of course to say farewell to my parents. For some reason, it is getting harder and harder each time.

Home truths

I just blew S$50,000 in signing up for an insurance policy mixed with some aspects of unit trusts investment throw in. I only get my $ back after a period of (wait for this), 15 years. Yeah, I see all these so-called promised glorious returns only after 15 freaking years. When I am 46 years old. Oh god.

And if it wasn't excessive enough, I decided that hey, if I went mad, why not go all the way to the depths of financial insanity? So like a hardcore gambler on his last bet or an alocholic guzzling his last booze bottle at last chance saloon, I authorised another S$30,000 from my CPF into a trust fund (some Allianze investment stuff - which sounds suspiciously like a German Tank or something from a video game).

S$80,000 in a day. OH NO.

How this came about was a complicated story. Hmm, actually it wasn't. The background as to how I blow S$80,000 in investments and funds which are too technical for laymen like me to understand is strikingly similar to all my friends' stories. Or should I say, all my GUY friends.

Yep, some pretty girl in a suit just rambled something and appeared professional and we are sold. SOLD like slaves on a Roman galley, I tell you. After stepping out of the bank holding a stack of documents, I felt like an Eskimo holding a bag of ice cubes outside 7-11 thinking "hmm, what am I supposed to buy inside the shop actually?"

Again and again, it has proven that an attractive girl in a suit can make a guy hand over his life savings. On Wednesday, I sniggered at my guy friend over a cup of coffee near UOB Plaza when I heard that he signed over his life savings to some girl in a suit which cornered him in Shenton Way. I thought I was immune but alas. The charms of the wily pretty girl in business suit who is armed with graphs and investment trends are too great for me to deal with.

Beware of pretty girls in business suits.

I am going to cut back on the crispy pork leg and start to jog more. I am determine to live to 46 at least just to see the returns.

Movies which sucked big time

A pop quiz - what does the following classic movies have in common besides they all sucked big time?

(a) Robocop II
(b) Free Willy
(c) War of the World (the recent one with Tom Cruise)
(d) Sixth Sense
(d) Artifical Intelligence (A.I)
(e) Home Alone

Give up?

THESE ARE MOVIES WHICH WERE RUINED AND SUCKED BECAUSE THEY STARRED KIDS.

Nothing good ever comes out of having kids in movies. Nothing. Kids are disgusting, they can't act (I don't count act cute) and they ruin every movie I have ever seen. Without exception. Check out the below evidence.

Robocop 2


My pet peeve against kids in movies goes back to 1990 with the movie Robocop 2. Now, we guys love Robocop. I will go as far as to say that Robocop is the greatest litmus test for a guy's sexual preference. If you are straight, you love Robocop. I still have guy friends who faithfully display Robocop toys on their work tables in Singapore. I think they sacrifice a pokemon to it every Friday morning.

What's there not to love about a metallic asskicking cyber policeman which shoot a rapist in his crotch while the latter is holding a female hostage? How about taking on a whole army of drug dealers with the second greatest classic one liner in movie? (The greatest classic one liner is of course- 'I will be back' by Arnie). Robocop's immortal one liner is:

"Dead or Alive, You are coming with me". Holy smoke. Does that kick ass or what? Robocop 1 was AWESOME in all languages.

And then Robocop 2 happens. Do you remember Robocop 2? Of course not. Why? Because the asshole producer decided to pit Robocop against a child criminal mastermind called "Hob". Hob is sort of like Artemis Fowl but a more deranged, irritating and less lovable version. Take a look at the child actor Gabriel Damon. Damon's role in the movie was to whine from start to finish and turn Robocop into a pile of pussified jelly. A total prick.

(Am I the only who feels like punching this kid's jaw to wipe the smirk off his face? I hereby support child abuse)

He dragged the whole freaking movie down with his shit acting skills and is single-handedly responsible for killing the Robocop franchise. Death to whining child actor pretending to be cool criminal mastermind. I can't even tell you how happy I was when he was finally killed by the mad evil cyborg in Robocop 2. Mad evil cyborg probably decided that it was better to end the movie early than to listen to anymore of his whining.

War of the Worlds

Tell me, what do you remember most about War of the Worlds?
(a) The cool aliens which vaporise humans,
(b) the same aliens which suddenly discover last minute that they are vulnerable to water moisture in the air (DUH - and they spend centuries planning for the invasion? Stupid),
(c) Tom Cruise running around like a headless chicken, or


(d) Tom Cruise's idiot daughter screaming every minute for no reason?

I swear, I was covering my ears during the whole movie. I was actually rooting for the aliens to squash Dakota Fanning and suck her marrow out. Look at her, that screaming daughter. Was it me, or was the girl screaming every minute in the movie for no good reason? Someone shut her gap up already.



If I am her father, I would chuck her out to the aliens and run away happily. Ms Dakota Fanning ruined an otherwise tolerable sci-fi movie which Tom Cruise actually put in a decent performance. Death to screaming child actresses.

Home Alone

Home alone is pure kids' bullshit. 1990 must be a bumper year for producing idiot child actors. First, we have Gabriel Damon from Robocop 2. Then we have the greatest child poser of all time - Macauley Culkin. In case, you somehow missed this atrocity of a movie (lucky you), it is about a idiot kid "accidentally" being left home by his parents for Xmas. I said "accidentally" because if I have this kid, I would chuck him away with some hobo for good. Anyway, this kid managed to defend his home against two dumb adult burglars and also helped an old man to unite with his family. WTF? How insulting to adults could this movie get? Stupid. I am glad the Home Alone franchise soon bombed out.

Everytime I see this picture, I have to fight the urge to grab a fork and stab his eyes out.

Free Willy

The tagline of the movie reads "A 12 year old street kid. A 3 ton orca whale. A friendship you could never imagine. An adventure you'll never forget." It is about a boy who fights to save a whale. WOW. By the way, am I the only one hoping that the fat whale will fall on the boy while attempting to jump over him? No?

12 year old kid + 3 ton fish = 15 x Bullshit movie. If there is worse thing than a kid acting in the movies, it is to pair him up with an animal. I don't care if people tell me that the whale is a mammal. Who cares? It got fins, so it is a fish. The only fish I would allow to act in the movies is the Great White bcos it eats kids for breakfast and Willy for supper.

This movie would have been otherwise tolerable if it just ditched the stupid kid. And maybe also the fat whale. "But if you ditch the kid and the whale, there will be no movie" I hear you say. Good, you are catching on.

- - - - -

Don't even get me started on Artificial Intelligence. I fall asleep somewhere around the 8-hour mark of this horrendously long 16-hour movie (it sure felt like it) which goes on and on about a boy robot looking for his mother. Somewhere along the way, there is even a gay prostitute robot guiding the boy's way. And then the world ends (?) and wispy aliens create a mother for the boy robot. OMFG. I recalled walking away from the cinema shaking. What was Spielberg thinking? Trust me, any movie with child actors in it are destined to fail.