An Awesome Tibit about Laos

One of the most knowledgeable man in Laos, whom I have the honor of playing golf with (because he is nice and not an asshole), told me this interesting tibit about Laos. I have never heard about this and it is something which no local Lao would ever told foreigners like myself. I pray that it is true because it is so f_kng funny. Let's call my friend CowboyHat (since he always wear a cowboy hat when playing golf).

More than 45% of Laos' population constitutes of people from the hill tribes. There are about 49 main tribes including the Meo and dozens of sub-tribes. They are distinguished by headgear and strange customs and even languages. These tribal people are so remote that they don't even speak Lao. Lao businessmen often have to find indigenious interpreters when they have to visit the remote northern mountains of Laos to communicate with these tribes. In addition, some of their customs are strange-strange as in Holy Shit, Strange. For example, if you visit some tribes and take a fancy to a girl, you could just speak to the father of the girl. The dad will be HONORED if you could sleep with his daughter. No obligations at all. Now that's what I call hospitality.

I got the above pic off Wikipedia. It show the Meo / Hmongs in their traditional costumes with trinkets and jewellery and all. You can't quite tell but the ladies are arranging themselves in a row and throwing a cotton ball at men, who would then throw back. I have actually participated in this "game" two years ago during the Hmong New Year. Some girl threw a ball at me so I threw back. It turns out that this is a "mating tradition". Tradition has it that the girl will throw the ball at a guy she fancies and if the guy thinks the girl is cute enough, he will then reciprocrate by throwing the ball back. Hey, I didn't even know that some girl was hitting on me two years ago. I will post the pics if I can still find them.

So, CowboyHat said that there is a really obscure and small tribe in Laos which lives high up in the mountains in the North which borders China. By some genetic twist of fate, the women are famed for being tall, fair and pretty (which is rare in Laos) but the guys are err . . . . stumpy and dark. As the years go by, the situation got even worse as the women got prettier and the guys got well . . . stumpier. Some hundreds years ago, the leader of the tribe decided that this could not continue as the male offsprings were simply getting too ugly/short to mate and might ruin the gene pool. Thus the esteemed tribal leader decided to instill a custom that visitors from other tribes (the Hmongs, Karens and Akhas etc) were welcomed to visit their remote village to mate with their beautiful ladies. As you can expect, men from other tribes were well, quite excited. It was like someone sounded the gong for the opening of the all-you-can-eat, ass and pussy buffet in the mountains.

But alas, the eager males from the other tribes who came were also not exactly Tom Cruises and Brad Pitts either. They were barely a cut about the existing stumpy men in the tribe. (This is true by the way. Men who live in the mountains and hunt animals/cut wood might sound manly/rugged and macho to women but they are not exactly handsome. Oh, they are rugged all right but they also look like wiry dark chimpanzees. I am not insulting anyone - it is the truth. Civilisation make us pretty and handsome. For one thing, it improves hygiene).

Thus the problem persists even to today. Now, Cowboyhat said that about 30 years ago, the tribal leader decided to come down from the remote mountain and see the world to look for a solution. When I say "the world", I mean Vientiane - the capital city. Tribal Leader (TL) trekked a long way from the mountains, crossed mighty rivers and had to eat tubers, wild fruits and occasional unlucky animals along the way to get to the main road. He managed to get a ride to Vientiane after trekking for so long that most sane men would have given up. Give him credit for being determined.

When he reached Vientiane (this must be in the late 70s or 80s), TL was understandably awestruck. Not just by the urban surroundings but by the fact that men in Vientiane were more handsome than those in the mountains. Not only that, he noticed for the first time in his life, foreigners, especially tall FOREIGN MEN WITH BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES. TL immediately made the long arduous trip back to his village and sent the word out that he would welcome foreigners and Lao men from the cities to visit this village and mate with his beautiful women.

Word got out and this is where it got funny. TL was suddenly spoilt for choice - suddenly men from the cities started streaming up to the mountain to queue up for the buffet line. Not only Lao men from the cities, but horny Japanese and Korean tourists started showing up. CowboyHat said that when he was there six months ago (CBH claimed he was there for business - yeah right), he noticed a long line of Japanese men queueing outside the pond near TL's house. Unfortunately for these horny Japanese tourists, TL has a new set of criterias in place. First priority is given to:

(1) Men from Central Asian Republics namely, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan. TL's reasoning that these men are tall, handsome and a perfect mix of Asian and European features. The best genes.

(TL's global geographical knowledge has evidently improved - way to go Captain Cavemen! Next stop - internet porn! )

and second priority to:

(2) Tall white men with blue eyes.

According to CowboyHat, the entire waiting Japanese tourists were asked to leave because they were all ugly short farts. MUWAHAHAHAH. Btw, don't you find it strange? When there is free pussy, there will always be horny Japanese and Korean men. It is like moth being drawn to fire. Natural Law working here. Well, too bad, perverts. Go back and watch your Jap sailor moon porn.

The actual procedure is actually quite simple Once TL agreed that the man is good looking enough, the lucky man will get to choose his lady among the women of the tribe. Once that is settled, TL will actually throw a big village dinner inviting almost everyone in the village for a night of feasting and dancing. Then the assigned girl and the lucky man will adjourned to a nice room in the house of the girl's father to start the "proceedings". If the girl's father has passed away and is too poor to own a proper house, TL will magnamiously lend his own room while TL sleeps outside in the open.

If the girl got pregnant, then word will be sent to inform the man, if he could be reached. But in any case, there are no obligations on the man. The child will be brought up by the whole village. Man, I can't wait for another 10-20 years when there is a new race of handsome blue-eye Lao people in the mountians.

I find this custom fascinating. Talk about recruiting foreign talent if the local talent just couldn't get the job done (or in this case, too butt ugly). I must say I am impressed by the determination of these hundreds of tribal leaders who crack their brains throughout the years and do what it takes for the remote tribe to survive. Screw customs and tradition, if a foreigner is better, so be it. Who says a backward mountain Lao does not understand globalisation?

Lofty Waters Verdant Bow

When I was back in Singapore last month, one of the things I looked forward to doing was to watch spastic TV serials on Channel 8 - local and Hongkong TVB productions. "But why, CO? You already said they are spastic!" I hear you say. Let's just say that, when you are out of the country for so long, you begin to miss our local spastic home grown productions as well as those spastic Hongkong drama serials. There is just something warm and homely about watching them with your parents which no amount of HBO and Cinemax can substitute. I grew up watching Huang Wen Yong and Xiang Yun with the old SBC to Fann Wong and Zoey Tay in the new TCS. I watch countless reincarnations of the "Legends of the Condor Heroes" from Hong Kong which SBC/TCS always faithfully showed(remember the old one with Andy Lau?). One of the best thing about returning home last month was sitting down with my parents to watch a rerun of Holland V (5.30pm, Channel 8) and heard my mother say "Chen Liping became fat." Yes, Mom. Fat as in walrus fat. Chen Liping used to be hot years ago in "Good Morning Teacher" with a dorky Li Nanxing though. I take watching Holland V and Fann Wong anyday over the HBO's "acclaimed" series of "Lost" and "The Triangle".

Do you know what is also the best thing I missed about stupid and spastic Hong Kong drama serials, especially those period sword-fighting ones? Take for example the "Lofty Waters Verdant Bow" which was showed in Singapore in Thursday and Friday at 11 pm at Channel 8. I am not sure whether it has ended its run but watching this show in August cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing and wished I did not have to go back to Laos to work.

By simply looking at the poster, you know it is going to be a standard/soppy martials arts fare with the handsome hero learning impossible God-like skills and caught in a love triangle between two beautiful women. i.e tried and tested TV formula. The one where I laughed when our handsome hero was elected as Master of the Beggar Sect at the Beggar Sect Annual Meeting (sort of like a Year-End Dinner and Dance for Beggars - heh heh). Expectedly, our hero got the vote because he predictably unveiled the villian behind the murder of the previous Beggar Sect's leader, produced the jade dog-beating stick and demonstrated an incredible array of skills. Basically save-the-day shit. Typical stuff which even I, who was watching the show for the first time, knew exactly what was coming. What made me laughed was:

THE BEGGAR SECT ANNUAL MEETING, ONLY HAVE LESS THAN 20 BEGGARS.

MUWHAHAHAHAHAH. WAH LAU - CHEAP PRODUCTION!!

Don't you just love cheap Hong Kong drama serials which couldn't afford many part-time actors? The Beggars Sect, with thousands of members, can only muster twenty non-descript beggars for its annual big meeting? HA HA HA. And they all look so bloody bored - only lift their sticks and made unintelligible noises in the background. The main actors actually outnumbered the part-time beggars.

And the battle scene between the Beggar Sect and the Imperial Guards, which is supposed to be a major battle involving thousands, only have twenty beggars and soldiers running around blindly, waving their cheap shiny swords in the typical "1-2-clang-clang-where's my pay" style. I could swear some of them were beggars died in one scene and got up to fight again in another. No Lord of the Rings/Braveheart/Kingdom of Heaven epic battle graphics involving uncountable thousands of soldiers here. Ha Ha Ha.

I missed shit like this. Back in the old days, my dad and I always sat down and watched cheap Hong Kong productions like this and tried to pick out anomalities which shouldn't be in the script. I always remember during an episode of the "Four Mashalls" when I was twelve, during a battle which covers the whole TV screen, two of the part-time actors who were fighting near the edge of the screen actually STOPPED AND TALKED TO EACH OTHER. My father said that they probably thought the camera couldn't cover their angle and thought it was safe to stop and discuss what to eat for lunch. Muwahahahahha.

I love Singapore TV. Long live cheap Hongkong productions and local dramas.

Long live Beggar Sect Annual Meetings also.

A disturbing thought at golf

I was suckered into playing 27 holes of golf last Sunday with a couple of Singaporean friends. Actually, I am not sure whether they are really "friends" because my definition of friends is quite stringent. For example, friends are people which I will run without hesitation into a burning building to save. These people . . . . well, I will stand around the burning building, think about it for a while, and then walk in casually to see what can be done.

It is not that they are bad people. They are normal, average everyday Singaporeans who are just trying to make a living in Laos. Some are nice. Some are outright assholes. Almost all have Lao girlfriends, wife or mistresses. I respect that all - except the assholes of course. It is just that - I am on different wavelengths from them. It is the same for most of us of course. There are people which you just don't click with no matter how nice they are. For me, it is just a simple case of not clicking with most of humanity. Take for example - conversation at golf.

For those who don't play golf, ever wonder what a bunch of male golfers do during those long walks up and down the course? I calculated that playing 18 holes of golf would require the average golfer to walk 6-7 km. So what do golfers talk about when walking that 6-7 km? Naturally, woman and sex.

I lost count about the number of times some Lao, Japanese, Korean and Singaporean golfers nudged me and asked me whether I want to play "an extra hole" after the standard round of 18 holes of golf. They always say this with a wink, as if winking at CO will help CO get the hint as to what they are actually implying. Oh, I get it. It is just that the more CO gets it, the more CO wishes that everyone of these horny golfers will leave me alone. During my 3+ years playing golf in Laos, I have lost count about the number of sexist jokes and lewd suggestions made between male golfers from all nationalities - Japan, Lao, Chinese, Korean and Singaporean etc. E.g. golf ball jokes, female caddies jokes, massages after golf so as to "recharge" their battery, does CO know where is the best place to "restore the balance of ying and yang"? Blah blah.

Like I said before - it is not them, it is me. I hate massages and certainly don't fancy playing an "extra hole". Most of the time, I just go home and sulk over my bad score. To be honest, I detest such talk. I don't know why exactly. It makes me feel uncomfortable that men are perpetually looking for opportunities to fornicate with strange women. It is not that CO is into women's rights; far from it. I guess those long months I spent in Bangkok when I saw what women will do for money sort of change my perceptions a bit. But Sunday's golf was especially disturbing.

For one, our fellow golfers started teasing the female caddies and asking them sensitive and lewd questions like which golfer they would like to bring home (I should learn to say that in Lao). They spent more time asking their caddies to smile for them than hitting the ball. In Singapore, they would be sued off their pants for sexual harrassement immediately. I didn't mind really because I was focusing on my strokes and doing better than those horny bastards whose minds were swimming in the dirty gutters rather than concentrating on getting the ball onto the green from 100 yards. Fine, I thought - I should take the opportunity to ask them to place bets since their minds were elsewhere.

Then conversation turns to which female professional golfers are hot. This happened at Hole No. 8 I think. Nice weather, trees on the right, cool breeze coming in right to left, I got my No.1 Nickent driver in my hand. I pondered and said "Grace Park" - which was the Korean golfer on my earlier list of most pretty things on earth- and walked up to the tee box. One or two muttered their agreement with me while a few disagreed saying that she was a little old. Fine, you can't account for tastes and to each their own. I love Grace Park to bits because she is hot like hell so I am putting her pic up again for no good reasons.

Just as I was about to smash the ball, one golfer said ' Man, I think Michelle Wie is hot". TANG!!! I lost my balance and sliced my ball right into the trees. Damn.

For those who really don't know anything about golf, Michelle Wie is a 15 year-old US professional golfer from Hawaii. 15 years old. Here are some pics of Michelle Wie.

Now 16, Wie stands at 1.85 metres and is famous for able to hit the ball longer than a man (about 350 yards easily). Her name is world famous, 2nd only to Tiger Woods. She plays against the men in the PGA circuit while her contemporaries are contented in playing in the Ladies' PGA circuit.

Sure she is a golf prodigy but a sexy sports chick? Nothing about her says sexy or hot to me but then it is understandable because the poor girl is only 16 yrs old.

The golf group was quite quiet afterwards as we walked silently towards the hole. Each of us was probably thinking the same thought:

OMG - We are golfing with a paedophile. He likes 16 yrs old. Where is the police??!!

But of course, we can make a defence for him in the sense that Michelle Wie doesn't look like a typical mousy 16 yrs old. At 1.85 m, she pretty much kicks most men's asses. But it is still a disturbing thought eh? I am sure there are a lot of male golfers out there who have a thing for Michelle Wie and harboured paedophilic tendencies but don't want to admit it. Thank God for Grace Park.

Why Cheers? Prelude to a Beatdown

I hate people signing off their emails with "cheers". Australians and kiwis use the slang often enough in their conversations and emails like it is in their national culture. I can barely deal with their utter douchebagness. But more and more Singaporeans in my own country are using this slang to sign off their emails, official and personal, without even giving it a second thought as to what it means. I heard that this is because some HR local gurus are advocating that the usage of "kind regards" to sign off is boring and therefore, it is better to use "cheers" to distinguish oneself from the rest of the mob (i.e me and you). In other words, they are trying to appear cool, hip and elite.

Ooh, look at me, no more kind regards from me. Now, I will just give you a vague, ubiqitious cheers! I am cool, hip and different! Go, me!

Nevermind the fact that in their attempt to be different and cool, these people conveniently forget that they are actually not young but balding 40 year-old men and women who are complete douchebags and dumbasses. These people wouldn't be able to tell cool even if ice-cubes rained from the sky. Or if LL Cool J started rapping in front of them. It is sad really, matured men and women seeking to recapture their youth and lost time by trying to make some vague cultural statement when signing their emails off differently. Thus, more and more people are jumping on the bandwagon and using "cheers". It has come to the stage when people are using this indiscriminately in their emails like below:

- - - -

Dear A,

I want to see these two major assignments completed by this Friday morning. Nevermind the fact that these two major assignments have nothing to do with you and that your wife is giving birth this week. Do it because I pay your salary and I am just mean. By the way, you are also a lazy lying bastard who always come to work late and make excuses that went beyond the realm of stupid and clear into the territory of insanity. In other words, you suck.

Cheers,
B

- - - - -

Dear B,

You will get your reports. I also think your wife has a beard and is more manly than you. Your gardener has been bonking your ugly wife behind your back by the way.

Cheers,
A

- - - - -

Am I the only one who see something wrong with the above picture? WHAT'S SO CHEERFUL ABOUT GIVING WORK TO OTHERS? YOU ARE DIRECTLY MOCKING THE PERSON, STUPID. If this is not ground for aggrevated assault, I don't know what is.

If I have the power to project my hatred through the PC (like Sadako from the Ring), a lot of dumbasses would feel a sudden headache equivalent of a CO's headbutt as well as an uppercut to their balls or ovularies (if women sender). I don't appreciate being mocked at whenever a person still say cheers when they give me work or break some bad news to me. For the love of all that is good and holyon this earth, don't sign off cheers when you are causing inconveniances to other people.

I must confess one dark secret though. Against my better judgement and discretion, I succumbed to the "advice" of seniors and so called HR gurus and reluctantly signed off an email with "cheers" many years ago. I know, I know. Gasps, the horror, what am I thinking - so on and so foth. My only defence is that I was young and just started work. When you just started work, you actually thought your seniors were giving you friendly and useful advice. Then you realised that your seniors were talking out of their asses. Believe me till this day, I still cringe when I remember that email I sent. No matter how much I scrub myself, I still feel dirty. To young people everywhere, don't listen to your seniors. They are selling BS in a nice Hallmark parcel. Use your common sense.

Common sense is lacking in many people nowadays in the using of the slang "cheers". Not only in emails but daily conversation. For example, I recalled I was drinking recently when I heard this:

Waiter : Here's your beer, Sir.
White Man dumbass : Cheers.

No, you f-ckng douchebag. You don't say cheers, you should say THANKS!! What's wrong with you??!!? People do you a service and you said cheers?! I was so tempted to fling my mug towards his smug ass direction and point the accusing finger towards this tattoed guy behind me who looked like he was just released from prison.

I don't understand people. The only occasion in which we should use "cheers" is when a toast is called for. The rest of the occasions are clear ground for a physical beatdown from me.

Miss Universe 2006 - Q & A

Its Friday and I can't wait to start my weekend like every other weekend in Laos. Drinking beer and playing playstation. Bliss. In the spirit of things, let's play a game. I will ask an interview question and I will give five answers. These answers are actual answers given by five contestants to the same question as part of the Miss Universe 2006 interviews. In other words, I am not making this shit up. The five contestants are:

(a) Miss Singapore
(b) Miss Bahamas
(c) Miss Malaysia
(d) Miss Japan (of course)
(e) Miss Philippines

Can you spot which answer is given by Miss Singapore?

The question is not difficult at all.

Question : What are your interests and what do you enjoy doing the most?

Answer A

I love to go to places that I have never been and discover new cultures and meet new people. Between my second and third years of University, I spent one year in France studying French. I am passionate about French cinematography and I wanted to see French movies without reading the subtitles. Also, I lived in Spain for 3 months to learn Flamenco. I have been dancing Flamenco for almost 2 years now. I would like _____ women to learn Flamenco because it would help them express more passion, an attribute that will strengthen confidence.

Answer B

I enjoy reading and listening to music; I listen to a wide range of music -- from alternative rock to reggae to world music to anything new and interesting. During long weekends, my fellow free spirits and I take road trips and experience a little culture and adventure.


Answer C

My passions in life are food and fashion. I am ever willing to cook for anyone at any time; my specialties are pasta and ______ cuisine. Besides cooking, I also love fashion designing; I hope to have my own clothing line one day. Friends come to me for ideas and advice on fashion, and I always enjoy being their consultant on shopping sprees. Being a people-oriented person, I enjoy organizing events, too. Hence, I have turned this interest into a part-time business.

Answer D

Chilling out with friends over coffee or wine; water sports like swimming and wakeboarding; playing the electone organ; looking at art; watching foreign films; shopping; traveling; and reading.

Answer E

Life is only what you make it, so I make the best out of every experience. I enjoy giving back to my community, so I take time to engage in social activities that will have a positive impact on the lives of others. These activities include directing the children's choir and assisting with other extracurricular activities that involve children and young people.


ARE YOU READY? Pens down, students and hand in your paper. No talking please.




Answer A - Miss Japan (yeah!)

Answer B - Miss Philippines

Answer C - Miss Malaysia

Answer D - Miss Singapore

Answer E - Miss Bahamas


Why are Singaporeans always give boring answers ?!??! What do we do in our free time? Oh, meet with friends over coffee or wine (?), shopping, reading . . . ."

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yawn.


Beauties from other countries can list interesting activities or at least, make mundane activities sound like the most interesting thing in the world. Read closely again Miss Malaysia's reply. She is effectively saying she likes to do stupid things like cook and design clothes. However, she had the brains to apply comestics to an otherwise mundane answer. She massaged her answer until she sounded like a great person with brains and inner beauty and people come to her for advice. Holy Shit. Miss Singapore? She just likes to meet friends and shop. Kill me already.

Miss Japan dances and teaches flamengo (OMG) to Japanese women. Miss Bahamas participates in community activities with kids. Miss Philippines likes to listen to music from rock to reggae. Their answers make us understand them a little better even though they are probably all lies. But this is Miss Universe Finals - you are expected to massage your answer and lie a bit. If all girls tell the truth, I guarantee that 90% will say they like to shop for LV in their free time and suck men dry of their money. Honest to Goodness Truth. The other 10% will say they shop for Gucci.

Why aren't Singaporeans more interesting? Why do we keep giving boring ass answers like shopping and eating? Why isn't Miss Singapore more prepared to answer a simple question? It wasn't as if the judges asked her to name the six noble gases in the periodic table(can you?).

Sigh. And when Miss Singapore was asked to describe Singapore, the place where she grew up. Guess what she said? "I've been raised and brought up in the sunny city of Singapore". That's all??! Stupid. I wish I could punch her for having zero vocabulary.

Let's see how Miss Japan describe the place where she grew up.

I was born and raised in Naha, which is the capital city of Okinawa, the 47th prefecture in Japan. The climate of Okinawa Island is sub-tropical. The emerald ocean and beautiful beaches make Okinawa a popular travel destination for Japanese and foreign tourists. Even though I was raised in the capital city, the pace is nothing similar to that of Tokyo's hectic city routine! Due to the unique history of Okinawa, which is influenced by different cultures such as the American and Chinese cultures, it is a part of Japan that does not seem Japanese. We even have our own dialect.

Holy f'ng shit! HOW TO FIGHT?!?!!!?!?!

But the greatest answer comes from Miss Lebanon. Yes, LEBANON. When asked to describe the place where she grew up, she said:

"I was born in Beirut during war time. My father was killed when I was 4 years old."

HOLY SHIT. The whole place went silent even though it was a irrelevant answer.

Spammers must die

I get 10+ spam mails in my office account a day. Typical spam mails involve asking me to purchase:

(a) Home credit at US$488,000 at an awesome 3.67% fixed rate
(b) Hot stock pick - some unknown company called AGGA Rresrouces Pte Ltd anyone?
(c) Enlarge my penis up to 10 cm or 4 inches - I shudder as to what sort of revolutionary medicine could do such a thing.
(d) Fast track BS degree programme
(e) Some guy called Eric asking . . . Oh wait, that's work. Still, delete.

Many of these spam are badly written with spelling and gramar mistakes all over the place. The one on penis ehancement said"Show your girl a huge explosion as I used to do". Woah, literary genius right there, Shakespeare! I suspect the orginator of these spam mails are some Eastern European who fed his badly written source email into some software and the software then distributed it to all emails accounts around the world without any discretion. So you getr Spam filters are not advanced enough to filter such mails from authentic, bona-fide mails.

And then there are blog spam. People who leave comments on your blog for no reason other than to get you to visit their blogs or to advertise viagra or penis enhancement machine like the one used by Austin Powers. Irritating, I know. At first, I thought it was harmless. And then I read this blog called http://shiveredsky.blogspot.com/2006/09/this-is-why-comment-spammers-must-be.html. The writer of this excellent blog talked about this incident in the blogosphere.

Apparently there was this blog by a cancer patient which kept a blog to write down her fight against cancer and the footsteps of death. She passed away in October 2005 and her husband wrote the last entry for his wife informing everyone that his wife had passed away.

http://thebutterfly777.blogspot.com/2005/09/nice-while-it-lasted.html

But check out the last few comments on the last entry. Remember, the woman has passed away of cancer after a long battle and her husband had already written on the blog to tell everyone so.

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!I have a christmas gift site/blog. It pretty much covers gift ideas for christmas related stuff.Come and check it out if you get time :-)

I am totally nude come see me. Take a bit for all pics and movies to load.Why do I do this I like to make men blow their jiz in their pants.Visit me.

Wow that´s a great blog that you have there, mine is slightly differnent but it basically covers the same topics.I have a cancer society site. It pretty much covers Cancer related stuff.Check it out, you won´t regret it... Cheers.. Roger

Hi The Butterfly greetings from down under. I was searching for the latest information on christian , I can see how I landed on your page. While Nice while it lasted wasn't exactly what I was looking for. (I was after christian related stuff) I ejoyed reading your blog, I'll come back agin to read future posts. Take Care.


I can't believe that gift shops, porn distributors, Christians and cancer societies are so insensitive and desperate for business that they are willing to spam a dead cancer patient's blog to get attention. Porn distributors definitely (I mean, they are already in the porn industry so what dignity and respect?) but Christian organisations? WTF.

Death to spammers.

The passing of Steve Irwin

Steve Irwin is dead. This was the Aussie guy who was better known as "Croc Hunter" and got on National Geographic and Animal Planet to show us the world of dangerous reptiles. He was instantly recognisable. If you switched on your TV and saw a white guy in khaki pants, explaining the behaviour of crocodiles and then jumped like a mad bastard onto the back of a massive croc for no good reasons, that man is probably Steve Irwin. This crazy bastard wrestled with crocodiles and poked poisonous snakes from their hiding places to show you the fantastic wildlife of Australia.

He got killed by a poisonous stingray while diving off Australia. He was 44. The poisonous barb of the stingray pierced his ribcage and directly hit his heart. It was one in a thousand shot. It was a lousy way to go.

Talk about ironic. Mr Irwin wrestled with reptiles all his life. Snakes on a Plane got nothing on him. I always thought if he was going to be killed, it would be three animals who could get the hatchet job done:

(a) The giant Egyptian crocodile from Lake Placid;
(b) A king-size Anaconda from the Amazon;
(c) T-Rex

In the end, it was a f_kng stingray who got pissed and killed him bcos Mr Irwin swam a little too close. Life is indeed ironic. I can imagined the conversation in the Shades now:

Death : MR IRWIN?

Irwin : I'm dead? I was swimming just a while ago . . .

Death : INDEED. YOU GOT STUNG BY A POISONOUS STINGRAY. WOULD YOU MIND FILLING IN THIS FORM?

Irwin : Ah, bastard. I knew I shouldn't swim that close.

Death : STEP THIS WAY PLEASE. WE HAVE ALREADY PREPARED A NICE PLACE FOR YOU. IT IS LOCATED IN A PRETTY SAFARI AND YOU CAN WRESTLED WITH THE REPTILES ALL YOU LIKE. WE GOT A T-REX TOO.

Irwin : Holy shit. This is awesome! You got all this in place for me?

Death : OF COURSE, MR IRWIN. WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING YOU SINCE EPISODE 1. WE JUST DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO GET KILLED BY A DUMBASS STINGRAY. BIT OF AN ANTICLIMAX.

Irwin : Hey, watch it before I lasso you like a croc.

Death : SORRY, MY BAD.

Iriwn : Oh yeah, skinny guy in black robe got nothing on me.

RIP.

Miss S'pore Universe 2006

Our Miss Singapore Universe 2006 is a lady called Ms Carol Cheong. By the way, the Miss Universe 2006 contest had been held in July 2006 and the winner is Miss Puerto Rico. Miss Puerto Rico looks hot. She looks like she can stop traffic simply by standing on the pavement. Miss Singapore Carol Cheong did not get into the top 20 - as many expected.

(Miss Singapore - taken off good old Wikipedia)

(2006 Champion- Miss Puerto Rico)

Now I am not ranting about Miss Cheong's performance. I know every year, the "all-knowing" and sarcastic Singaporean public will bitch about why our annual representative to the World Cup of Beauty is so plain while there are prettier girls (e.g. Fiona Xie) which we could send instead. Typical comment is "Aiyah, why we send this girl? The girl at my class/Zouk/the air stewardess on my flight/my friend is so much prettier. . . " The funny thing is that all these sarcastic comments seem to come from women (which is sort of strange and ironic). We men don't mind really who goes to compete with the world's most beautiful. As long as she looks sweet and hopefully busty aka the happy meal combo (men are simple- what can I say?), we are almost always supportive. It is already difficult for our girl to compete with the leggy beauties from Europe and the busty (Baywatch standard some more) knockouts from good old US of A and to contend with criticism at home bringing down her confidence even before the cat walk starts.

Think about it, our poor Miss Singapore got plenty going against her. For one, we don't even have a national costume for her. She probably has to crack her head to get a typical, boring ass Vanda Miss Joaquim/orchid sort of clothing. Yawn. Other girls have recognisable traditional costumes from their countries like Spain, Brazil, Japan, Korea and even Malaysia. Even Miss USA always walk around unabashedly in a traditional red, white and blue costume which always remind me of Captain America. Miss Japan (1st runner up but should have won really) paraded with a f_king awesome samurai sword and armour (check it out on the Miss Universe website) instead of the usual boring ass kimono. I mean, Miss Japan carried around a samurai sword - what could poor Miss Singapore do to match that? You don't get more awesome that a sword whic looked like it was straight out of Kill Bill (Hattori Hanzo pwns everything!). Singapore only has 41 years of history, you know.

I have nothing against Miss Carol Cheong but one of her replies to the interview at the finals got on my bloody nerves and was probably one of the reason she got her ass whooped by the judges. The question posed to her by the panel of judges went like this:

Question : Name one person other than your parents who has had the most influence on your life. Why?

Her answer:

No other person has influenced me the same way that my mom has. I share a very close relationship with her and she has given me a lot of advice in my life and supported me through thick and thin, regardless of my failures. She'll continue to be there for me.

If I am the judge, I would disqualify Miss Carol Cheong's ass immediately because she was, in typical CO's assessment, a dumbass. The judge already tell her to name "one other person other than your parents', and she still merrily went on to name her mother???!!? Does Miss Carol Cheong understand English? 0r maybe she have already memorised the answer so she is speaking by rote instead? Co's grade F-. Watching her replied to the question was like having a nail hammered into your eyeball.

Now I know, at the Miss Universe, it is typically to say two things, (a) thank your parents and (b) hope for world peace. But seriously, pissing off the judge must be the last thing she should have done.

Let's look at the answers from the rest of the contests, shall we? CO shall assign a grade in terms of originality.

Miss Japan - Miss Kurara Chibana (Drop dead stunning)

Definitely Christiane Amanpour, CNN's chief international correspondent! I first saw her on CNN 2 years ago and was surprised that there was a female journalist who was reporting in dangerous war zones. In Japan it is unheard of that a female journalist would be sent to such places.

CO's grade : B- (too modern feminist BS for me but passable. At least she name someone interesting and well known.)

Miss USA - Miss Tara Conner

My Granny Conner has had a tremendous influence on me throughout my life. At the age of 55, she received her GED and then proceeded to get her business degree. She has instilled in me great morals and values, and she has taught me that no matter what the age, education is essential.

CO's grade : A (she named her grandmother which was a smart way to get around the parents trap. She also addressed the issue of old age and education which was intelligent on her part. Very good answer.)

Miss Malaysia - Miss Melissa Tan

I am inspired by the good in every person I meet, however, if I had to name one person besides my parents, it would be the author Napoleon Hill. Reading his book "Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude" was the turning point in my life. I changed from a complacent, risk-fearing person to a go-getter with the right values in life.

CO's grade : C ( C for Crap answer. No one knows Napoleon Hill, doofus. I rather you said Napoleon Bonaparte himself. But at least she did not name her parents!!)

Miss St Martin - Gisella Hilliman

My sister, Zahira Hilliman, has had the most influence on my life. I admire her as she strives with diligence to accomplish the goals she has set for herself with much success. At the age of 17, she wrote and composed the National Anthem of the Netherlands Antilles and she is also the singer of St. Maarten's National Flag song.

CO's grade : A (Holy shit. She has a sister who composed her country's anthem and sing the St Maarten's National Flag song. A just for association).

Miss China - Miss Gao Hui Ying

My deportment coach is the person who has had the most influence on my life. She always encourages me and gives me support when I encounter difficulties, and I have learned from her how to treat everyone with honesty and love.

CO's grade : C - (Absolute boring ass answer. A deportment (?) coach of no significance. You might as well name your insurance agent who swindled you out of 40k as inspiration to never be swindled by anyone else again).

There are plenty more craptastic answers from beauties all around the world (tribute to mentor, friend blah blah) but the rubbish one from Miss Singapore must have shocked everyone. I am embarassed by Miss Carol Cheong's answer. People will start asking questions like whether Singaporeans can speak English. I mean, it is not even a difficult question! Just name one inspiring/interesting figure (preferably female and OTHER THAN YOUR PARENTS)! Name your grandmother who raised her family on her own and worked till her hands bleed. Name Oprah at the last resort.

There were more mind-numbling answers from Miss Singapore and the rest (e.g. hobbies and career paths). I shall not dwell on this today in an effort to preserve my sanity. I hereby offer my services (free of charge) to prepare all future Miss Singapores for Miss Universe Finals Interview. I do so that I need not be embarrased by my own countrywoman again.